Close to breaking point

[wonderer]

To cut a long story short my DH has a drinking problem and I am at the end of my tether.
Basically he goes to the pub most nights from work and these last 3 weeks it has been everynight coming home after 8.30pm.Tonight it was 11.45pm and last friday he stayed out all night and slept in the car as he could'nt get a taxi home.I did'nt know where he was as he does'nt answer his phone.Then at the weekends he is the ideal father and helps out around the house.But come monday and it starts all over again.
Our children are 4 and 2 and he has'nt been home in time the last 2 weeks to eat with them or see them before they have gone to bed.

I can't do this for much longer,I can't get through to him.I am at breaking point and have no one to turn to.I have threatened to leave but have nowhere to go.He thinks he can treat me like sh*t in the week and makeup for it at weekends.I put up with the verbal abuse and when the weekend comes around my mind says things are'nt that bad I am overeacting.But then tonight he has come home staggering drunk and I feel he has spoilt the weekend before it's even started.
I feel in the week i am doing all the parenting and getting worn down whilst he is in the pb enjoying myself and the children are missing out on family time.

What do I have to do to make him see?

Wonderer, No wonder you are upset.
But honestly, not having anywhere to go is not a problem. Put the latch lock thingy down on the door so that HE can't get in.

If he isn't prepared to discuss with you why he is doing this - stress, crisis, feeling inadquate, whatever, then a firm signal that you won't tolerate it may be the only message he can hear.

Thanks for the reply Blu.
I would be worried about locking him out as he would probably wake the children banging on the door and alert the neighbours.My confidence is so low at the moment and I get paranoid as I think all the neighbours know he goes out and drinks most nights.I feel so ashamed.

I don't know why he does it.He has a job he loves at the moment,a fab house and 2 amazing children.His job is not too stressful and I think it's just a habit he can't stop.I have been with him 14 years and this is ongoing.
But know we have children it has got to stop now one way or the other.
I feel like alerting his parents to the problem and asking them to sort it out.I've tried and tried and have'nt got the strength anymore to fight it. I just want my kids to be happy and somewhere along the line for me to be happy instead of dreading what the day will bring.When we will he be home,will we be eating as a family tonight,how drunk will he be.
Tonight he was pretty drunk so I got called the old favourites,whaker,old cow,and told to fuk off.

Now he is snoring on the sofa and I am sitting here feeling numb and so alone.

You poor thing what a t**r! Perhaps speaking to him when he is not drunk and when he is trying at a weekend would be the best bet.

Blu is right though it is time to call a halt and let him know you wont tolerate this behaviour.

Agree that speaking to him at the weekend when he is not drunk and you are both relaxed is a good idea.

Have you asked him if he'd like to change the evening routine at home? by having some new input in it, he might feel more like being there - you and he eating later, with a bottle of wine, when the children are in bed for instance? Or hiring some favourite DVDS to see together? Or could you possibly arrange babysitting once a week on weekdays, so you both go to the pub after the children are in bed - anything to break his routine and make him see the pub after work thing is not the only option?

Wonderer,

Does your husband think he has a drinking problem and do you think at heart he is an alcoholic?. Doubtless you have done this already but what does he say when you talk at the weekend with him about his drinking?.

Do you know when he first started drinking and why?. My guess is he was developing a drinking problem long before you met (I hope this is not the case).

If he denies that he has a problem and does not want help in order to stop drinking he may well have to lose everything in order for him to see sense. Even then there are no guarantees he will stop drinking. He made a conscious choice to start drinking.

With alcoholics the drink comes first and everything else comes a poor second.

You may wish to talk with Al-anon; they help families of problem drinkers specifically and they can also offer support. I will put their details up for you.

It is a very difficult situation for you all to face; your children will see this and in turn also be affected by what is going on around them.

I would urge you to seek outside help for yourselves as a family unit with or without your husband. Your GP, Al-anon, CAB are possible sources of help.

Because of someone else's drinking?.

Am I worried?

Am I losing sleep?

Do I feel sorry for myself, inadequate or guilty?

Am I ashamed of my situation?

Do I ever feel embarrassed by the drinker's behaviour?

Do I make excuses for the drinker and take on their responsibilities?

Am I tired, nervous, depressed?

Am I short-tempered and frustrated at times?

Do I ever feel desperate and alone?

If you can answer YES to some of these questions then Al-Anon may be able to help you.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888