so....dh has totally let himself go. which is saying something

[ThatVikRinA22]

am i just being shallow? weve been together forever. (married over 20 years) always loved him though doubt ive ever been in love with him, but thats ok, we are a good team, a great partnership. we have the same outlook and get along brilliantly. we have 2 kids, who are growing up. ive always been the "doer" in our relationship.
last night we went out with a couple we used to be really good mates with, and i realised my dh has totally let himself go. DH has no friends. he has always been fine with his own company. he has never cared a jot about how he looks, and im ok with that, even though we never looked like a couple, no one ever put us together as a couple.he relies on me to arrange his hair cuts ffs and ive stopped doing it. my mates dh looked great, i made an effort, wore a dress, make up, hair done while dh, he looked a bloody mess. i am no supermodel, im getting on,but i go to the gym, i try to make an effort. he makes no effort what so ever, but never has. he keeps saying he will start exercising with me, but never does. im not perfect, i know im not, but he is getting on my tits with things, his snoring which he never does anything about, his lack of motivation with everything, his job, everything, his is a clever clever bloke who is a doormat. and im getting irked. he works crap hours, we never have any time to ourselves, but i find i am in a constantly bad mood around him lately. He does nothing to help himself with anything, he relies on me to do it for him. his passiveness is annoying me. i recently embarked on a career change that really took a lot of effort on my part, and im surrounded by people who "do"...
do i just keep quiet and wait for this period of pissed offness to pass? it usually does, but lately, i dont know...i love him but he is pissing me off. its probably me who is changing....i think i go through this phase every so often with him and it usually passes...do i just sit tight and wait for it to pass again?

Sounds quite similar to my dh - he's a clever man, very responsible job, he's loving and lovely, he's dependable, and the most honest person I've ever met. But ask him to ring the plumber about the broken down washing machine and he's like a frightened child - doesn't know what to say, puts it off and puts it off, and I know that if I didn't arrange any social life (including seeing his family (who we both love)) then we'd spend all out time at home on our own.

It IS frustrating, and sometimes that frustration and irritation pisses me off, but mostly I know that his reliability and acceptance are a big part of what enables me to grow and develop and to explore a new career. I compare that with my friend who has a dh who is outgoing and funny, but who is also opinionated and selfish, and who inhibits the growth and change of my friend. or I think of an exboyfriend of mine who was heart-stoppingly gorgeous, sexiest bloke ever, and 100% on-trend with his clothes, looks, possessions, but also a complete nightmare with money. I know who I'd rather be with. And I know that I am with a man with whom I can have a partnership, where I have an equal (but different role) in our lives.

vic it sounds as though there are several things going on for you just now. I'm guessing that you'll adjust to your new work and that things will all settle down again soon, but why not use this period of irritation as an opportunity to tackle a couple of things - e.g. his snoring. Spending some time with a good counsellor sounds as though it would be valuable too, good communication between you and dh is usually at the root of getting these things sorted out.

tell him of the possibility of sleep apnoea - a neck size greater than 16inches and snoring which can be heard in another room are a couple of signs. Lethargy and falling asleep during the day are two more and short term memory problmes can also happen.

Of course he may not have it, but if he does, it can be life threatening and must be treated.

i will ask him to go back to the gp about his snoring Kew, ill measure his neck later, but yes, sometimes you can hear him in another room. Lethargy is a difficult one as he works the oddest hours, no set pattern, but he is often up at 2am to go to work, so of then naps in the day, but i will speak to him about sleep apnoea

Venusandmars - he is very like your dh from the sound of it, and what you say makes sense, i suppose there are always compromises to be had in any relationship, and the good does definitely out weigh the bad, i suppose he could have a look around and find a few things to get pissed off with me about, (the fact im on here when surrounded by ironing probably!)

i think his need for a hair cut coincided with my PMT...i feel better today actually, and typically, its the day before i go back to work...

Vicar there is something called the Epworth scale ( I think) which might help your GP decide whether its a problem but shft work might skew it a bit. Falling asleep/getting sleepy whilst driving the car is another red flag.

I don't get why people feel the op needs to 'own' her husband's snoring problem, especially when he's not all that bothered doing anything about it himself. Isn't part of being a mature adult taking responsbility to change things about yourself that may be negative things? Does everyone really feel that it's ok for the op's husband not to do anything about his (quite considerable) problems while the op gets on in her career, improves herself etc? I'm quite surprised tbh...

Anyway good luck op :)

its ok helltotheno....but thank you anyway, i will mention sleep apnoea to him but i cant force him to the gp, he will go eventually but will probably wait for me to book the bloody appointment....like the vasectomy follow up. i do hope it worked or he may get a shock one of these days....

its funny really, earlier i said to him he could give a skip hire company a call to arrange a skip while i got on with something else....and he goes "no vic, you know im no good at talking to people"....he just finds it so uncomfortable and i suppose ive let him away with it for 20 years so probably my own fault really, but thats just him, it gets to me every now and then, but i dont find it so hard so i do that while he tidies up the living room....he does at least pull his weight around the house. it could be worse. and he goes and fills the car up for me. so i suppose we are quits.