Dh's grief over late father is killing my marriage

[alicp]

Has grief affected anyone else's marriage like this?

My dh is so irrational, he blows up at the drop of a hat, always antagonising me. He is always late, messy, dirty, disrespectful, un-cooperative, incommunicative, changes my words, tells me that it's my tone that made him angry... slams the door, steps on the gas, throws things, blames me for every fight we have which starts because he has a hard time carrying on a normal conversation. And really I just keep quiet as soon as I see he's starting on a rampage.

He doesn't respect my feelings or where I am coming from. Can't remember the last time he asked me how I was doing. He acts like only his feelings matter. We had a daughter 15 months ago and he makes plans and assumes that I'll look after her. Doesn't share our life responsibilities...

Thing is we used to be attached at the hop, saw eye to eye on most everything. After 8 years together, now because he acts so irate all the time, which makes me withdraw... I cannot remember what I saw in him.

I am compassionate for his loss, they were best friends. I loved his dad too. I have done everything I know how.. to ease the pain or just keep company or give space whatever he's needed. But it's 18 months later and that is still the reason behind why he isn't coping so well. I feel like there is a bigger reason at work here.

Sometimes he admits its his grief that overpowers him and that he's sorry, he realizes that he takes it out on me. And that makes me feel better. But it happens again and again. And I am exhausted and tired of looking after everything. Especially when-- I am happier when he's not around, I am more relaxed and at peace.

I fantasise about leaving him. Through thick and through thin, but the caveat for me is I don't want to share my life with a selfish person who doesn't work at our marriage. His behaviour is eating me up. How do I hack it? Am I weak because I can't cope with his anxiety? How long will it take for him to go back to his sweet self? Will he ever?

What have your experiences been with grief and how have you handled it as a married couple?

Your insight would help me feel better I am sure.

How would he react to a suggestion of grief counselling?

So sorry the grief is engulfing your marriage. It sounds like he is still grieving terribly, and individuals grieve very differently. Dh lost his dad 13 yrs ago and I did cry, not only for my fil but also for the fact that I knew nothing would be the same ever again. But it does get better, it time. After 18 months though I would suggest some counselling for him may help.

My FIL took his own life, and my husband was (understandably) in bits afterwards, but never took his anger out on me. He did have bad bouts of sinking into depression, and 3 years down the line, he does still have the odd quiet moments when I know he is thinking about his dad.

Everyone deals with grief differently, but 18 months has passed and you have a new child who should be able to help heal his grief too.

Has he seen a doctor at all to try and do something about it?

You are not weak.. and he needs to be there for you and your child, not dwelling on the past.

I think you need to spell it out to him in clear terms, though as compassionately as you can, that while you sympathise that he has lost his father, he is in danger of losing his wife too. Of course couples should support each other through the hard times, but within reason! You can't live in misery endlessly while he wallows in self-pity, because your own life is being ruined. If he won't listen, I think you may need to consider an ultimatum that he needs to go to grief counselling and deal with this or you're going to leave as ultimately, you have a life to lead and deserve happiness and support.

Annie's right, while grieving can be a long process, bereavement is not a free pass to behave like an arsehole indefinitely. As with anyone dealing with a partner's depression/addiction/other major issues, it's vital to remember that you matter too and he needs to etierh seek help or get out.

I lost my dad 11 years ago. after some time both my sisters and I agreed that the biggest shock in losing him was the sense of being on our own - daddy wasn't there to look after us any more, it was like the final step in growing up. My ex lost his father last year and I think he felt this but would not acknowledge it - suddenly he had the full weight of the responsibility of being a husband and father on his shoulders and could not ignore it any further. My ex went totally into himself and finally accused me of being guilty for causing the pain he felt - if i'd been more understanding/compassionate etc

My advice would be stand strong for him, the range of emotions I felt losing my father were intense and unexpected. However, don't let him tie everything on it. You need to lead him to the future and that's you and your children. I always argued to my ex that he would best serve his father's memory by being a good dad and husband - the way out of the pain is to create a future or just see a future with you and the children.

I think this is a big and under acknowledged issue for men, their loss is equally their opportunity to take their family forwards and some men choose to fudge/resist it.

You will know which man you have x

He needs counselling.

Talk to him and point out that his grief over losing his relationship with his parent is putting him in danger of losing the chance to have that same relationship from the other side - as a parent, with his new daughter. Now is the time he should be laying down the foundations of the same strong, loving relationship with her in the way his dad did with him. What would his dad think if he could see the destruction his grief is causing here? They obviously had a wonderful relationship. That didn't appear from nowhere, it was the product of his dad putting in the hours with your DH when he was a child. That love should carry on down the generations through your DH to his daughter, your FIL's granddaughter. Don't let him miss out on his chance through grief, it's such a waste. Life goes on, the proof is right there in your little girl. Tell him this and tell him that he needs counselling, or he is going to lose more than his dad.

Exactly what jayho said.

My dad died in 2009 and I think (I hope, touch wood etc) that now 18 months later I am just about getting back to an equilibrium. My mum died in 2001 and losing both parents feels, as jayho put so well, like the last step in growing up. It's pretty scary to feel that there is nothing between you and the wild blue yonder. I would argue that 18 months isn't all that long to adjust but having said that his grief is no excuse to treat you so disrespectfully.

I think you need to persuade him to grief counselling, he sounds like he is stuck in the 'angry phase'.

You say your relationship has been strong in the past so it can be again, you just have to get through this particularly rocky part of life's rollercoaster ride to find your balance once more.

I hope it all works out for you.

Are you sure it's all about his dad ? His period of selfishness seems to coincide with you having a child. Im not sure why grief would cause him to be a bad father or to be so thoughtless towards you (which he is, by making plans and not working with you as a family). Is it easier for him to blame it all on grief than accept he finds being a father difficult? Or could there be other reasons ? ie. an affair? Im not speculating wildly - I just think that you need to approach this with a more open mind to the causes than one single issue. I think the answer here is counselling for you both to try and get to the bottom of it. There is no excuse for grief to cause him to be so unkind to you

I agree that some sort of bereavement counselling could prove helpful for your husband, though I admit to having no experience of that myself.

I lost my father 10 years ago, and remember that for the first year after his death, my emotions were magnified a hundredfold. If I was happy I felt delirious, but anger and sadness were also so much stronger. And I definitely behaved irrationally and out of character. In my case it took a year for me to get back on a (more or less) even keel, but obviously different people grieve in different ways. My husband lost his mother two and a half years ago and seemed to be coping with things OK (calm, thoughtful) until a year after her death, when he suffered a real crisis of confidence and ended up becoming very stressed, anxious and withdrawn, interspersed with bouts of severe anger. We are just coming out the other side of that now.

It depends, too, on the circumstances of your FIL's death and your husband's relationship with him at the time. Does your husband feel guilt or regret about anything to do with his father, for example? That could have a real impact on the grieving process.

Having said all that, no matter what the reasons for his anger and behaviour, it doesn't make life easier for you. Supporting a grieving person is exhausting and often thankless. And one of the hardest things is that you (I mean that in general) almost don't dare complain because it sounds so selfish, when the other person has just lost a loved one. But that doesn't mean that your feelings shouldn't matter.

So I would hope that counselling could help him come to terms with things and find an outlet for his feelings. Also, this sounds a bit flippant but would some kind of physical exercise help? I used to encourage my husband to go out on a long bike ride when he was getting really worked up, and it did help him to get rid of some of the pent up anger and tension.

As others have said, IMO you definitely need outside help. Yes of course he is still grieving after 18 months, but more could be going on here.

An friend of mine broke up with her husband eventually after her H lost a parent a few years ago, and he struggled to cope with life continuing alongside his loss. His job eventually went down the pan; he lost contact with friends, and when my friend was all he had left to take his feelings out on, their relationship went badly wrong and they ended up splitting up. He was eventually diagnosed with clinical depression, which needed a completely different 'treatment' approach to somebody going through the normal stages of bereavement.

I am no bereavement 'expert', but it sounds as if your H may have slipped into clinical depression and become 'stuck' at that stage in his grief. Can you get him to talk to his GP?

I kind of agree with Waterat.

I'm sorry he's grieving....but grief or not, he has no right to treat you this way. His behaviour is most certainly not outwith his control...he chooses to treat you this way...he thinks it's acceptable.
He may well say he knows he's behaving badly and apologise, but the fact that he continues to do so, tells you that he still thinks it is acceptable.
Remember....judge people not by what they SAY but by what they DO.

The grief is an excuse to dish out shit OP....I'm sorry but it is. He is being very selfish.

I also agree that this new chucking-his-toys-out-of-the-pram persona is more likely to be connected to the birth of your dd, than his loss.

After DHs dad died he became very much like yours. And this went on for 8/9 years. He had a terrible temper with everyone and everything. He had got stuck at "anger" and couldnt move onto acceptance.

One night i had had enough and I forced the issue about talking about his dad and he ended sobbing and sobbing and admitted that he got so angry because the world was full of shit heads and idiots and a good man like his dad got taken so young (49, only 3 years older than DH is now) and it just wasnt fair. Once he realised that it wasnt the rest of the world that was the problem but the anger he had inside from the loss of his dad he could talk more and is now a hell of alot better than he was. He really doesnt struggle with the loss like he did, but I was lucky in that I was prepared to risk the worlds biggest blow up to talk to him. I was aware that his temper could have led to violence as although he had never hit me, I could sense it was a close thing a couple of times.

I made it clear that he had to talk to me or go to bereavment counselling or leave. He chose me and we talked and talked. He is now happy to name our child due any day with a girls version of his dads name as a tribute to him, whereas before he would have kicked off about how his dad should be there to see the baby etc. Or he would have just said I was being stupid by suggesting the name, because deep down being reminded of his dad would have hurt him too much.

It sounds like your DH is stuck too and needs some counselling to move him onto the next stage of grieving. My dad did this too when his dad died and was so withdrawn and foul that mum thought he was having an affair. In the end she gave him an ultimatum too and it made a huge difference and he is very grateful to my mum for pushing him in to counselling.

have him go to bereavement counselling.

but agree with others who say that while the loss is clearly there, there may be other reasons anger at not being centre of attention any more due to child etc. ie you were joined at hip - well presumably the baby put paid to that?

if he keeps saying it is his grief then he should be amenable to addressing the grief.

if he refuses to go to bereavement counselling then you have to lay things down - he gets help - or he takes his grief and anger elsewhere til it is sorted...

" he realizes that he takes it out on me. And that makes me feel better. But it happens again and again" if he realizes it then he can do something about it.... but he doesnt does he?

But do you not think (to the next two posters after me) that his behaviour may not be that he is purposely being selfish and dishing out shit, but that he is depressed and needs outside help?

Yes OP doesn't deserve to be treated badly, and her H has 'no right' to act the way he is, but depression can have a seriously horrible effect on somebody's personality, which with the right treatment, can be sorted.

And btw - my dh used to be exactly the same until I left him and took the kids. Then and only then, did he wake up to the fact that his behaviour was abusive.

I lost my dear mum six years ago.....grief is no reason to behave like a bully and an arsehole.

No matter how I tried to communicate how awful his treatment of me was making my life, all he cared about was his own feelings....I got all the 'I know I do it and I'm sorry' spiel as well...many times. I got sick of hearing about how sorry he was and left.

It was the shock he needed to seek help for his depression and anger issues. He had become abusive and I'm sorry to say, your dh is going down the same road.

It doesn't matter how sad he is about his dad...it's not of your doing and he must face up to his abuse.

That is to say...of course it matters that he is sad about losing his dad.....but his behaviour is totally inappropriate....you should not have to bear the brunt. He's an adult and can choose whether or not to treat you like dirt.

Lastly....I am home on the condition that as soon as it degenerates back to the old ways....he will come home to his stuff in black bags on the doorstep and the locks changed. Next time HE goes.

We have only been back together for three and a half months, and so far all is going smoothly....but there is no way I will ever be his emotional punchbag ever EVER again.

I put up with a decade of it, like a total mug. Don't let that be you. xxxx

"depression can have a seriously horrible effect on somebody's personality, which with the right treatment, can be sorted."

maye to a degree - but for the H to get right treatment he needs to accept he has a problem - and maybe it is only by op making it clear to him there is a problem - and the consequences of him not addressing it - will he get the right help. as an adult only he can ask for and seek treatment.....

yes in this case as things were good before, perhaps maybe this is "pure" depresison linked to his father's death - in which case some simple bereavement counselling should help... but op has to stand ground and get him to see he has to seek help.

excusing his behaviour or accepting it as part of his depression wont make him get help.

there is also a fine line between depression and what the person can control - taking it out on nearest and dearest - as was alluded to - that can become abusive behaviour. my exp continues to justify everything he has ever done ie absive behaviour as being because he has/had "depression". one of the reasons for depression was his mother died -hmm sounds familiar - in his case tho there have been many examples of abusive angry behaviour when he has supposedly not been "depressed".

but to go back to op - clearly there has been an event which is tkaing over the h life and therfore he has to go get treatment. but op has to be clear - if he wont get help, she has to decide land ay down to him what will happen next.

Thank you for writing ladies. It's really helped me put things into perspective, knowing I am not alone. And plucking up the courage to get involved again... because I had become withdrawn in hopes of self preservation waiting for it would all just blow over. But I think he and I really need to start talking again or else I will just continue to be miserable.