If I had posted this on here at the time what would you have said?

[justforthisonepost]

I have posted this in another thread, but not had an answer, so

Ex and me had been over for years. Literally.

Didn't sleep in the same bed, or even be in the same room together. We never even spoke to each other. He was emotionally and physically and verbally abusive.

A friend made it clear he was interested in me. I got drunk at a works do and stayed the night. We had an affair for about 6 weeks and then me and my husband split up.

Then me and the affairee split up.

Three years down the line, and after both seeing other people, me and affairee are back together and happy. He is the man for me, he is my soulmate, he is my one and only.

So, the question is, if I had posted at the time that my 'D'H was emotionally distant, emotionally abusive, gaslighting me, beating me enough to leave scars, raping me on a frequent basis, and I'd met this guy through work and got drunk and slept with him - what would you all have said?

Take some space and time to get over your marriage beofre you embark on a new relationship.

Sounds like you are very happy now.

I'd have said that you'd only done it because you were at such a low ebb. That you would regret it but to put it behind you, move on and leave your ex.

What I wouldn't have been able to say is what I can now - that I'm glad it had a happy ending for you

Don't worry about the other bloke yet, just get the hell out.

I have seen threads like this before, I think you would have been advised to leave your abusive marriage and have some time to yourself. Like you did.

I am but I was on the thread about anyone had an affair and not regretted it - I don't.

Me and affairee did split and I was on my own for a while, few short term relationships, then got back together.

But I am interested to see if I would have been advised to leave H at the time.

Affairee gave me the strength to see that there was a different way to be treated.

I am just rambling.

My focus would have been helping to get you away from the brute who was raping and beating you and not so much on the affair you were seeking comfort in.

I'm so glad things have worked out for you, and if your affair gave you courage to leave it would have been worth it even if he hadn't turned out to be the love of your life.

justforthis I would probably have said affairee did you a favour and gave you some self confidence to know you didn't need to stick with H, but would have said don't rush in and do the rebound thing.
Glad it all worked out for you tho!

Yep, I think what five said. Why? What do you think mnetters might've said? I'm glad you're happy too

I just am pondering it really and wondering.

I know for me I did the right thing, but sometimes when I read threads on here I feel like posting but Im not brave enough - it's hard to look back at

actually, you didn't ask a proper question on the other thread you are referring to, you made a statement

having said that, if you had posted those details, I would have advised you to leave your abusive H, and tell OM to wait while you sorted your head out

and that if he was the right man for you, and a decent sort, he would do that

I wouldn't have flamed you for having an exit affair, if that is what you are trying to say

oh, and I congratulate you too x

I asked WWIFN what she would have said AF

And to be fair, OM did wait til I had my head sorted and it's all worked out in the end.

but still.

I don't know, I don't regret it, but I don't feel good about it

JFTOP, to be fair to wwifn, she could no longer post on that particular thread, could she ?

since it turned into a poster-bashing jamboree

I think I would wish anyone well, who was in an abusive situation

and if realising that other people don't think you are worthless, and are worthy of proper love (not control) is what it takes, then so be it

I don't condone infidelity, but I stand by supporting someone to get out of an awful situation by any means possible

although I do advise against relying on another man to do it for you...but that is my mantra for most things, tbh < feminist rah >

AF - that's true.

But if it hadn't been for OM I'd never have known that it was possible to be treated differently.

So in that sense he opened my eyes.

but I didn't leave XH because of him iyswim?

I just would have said that its sad you felt you needed another mans attention before you could leave that horrible man :(

Glad it worked out for you.

yes, IKWYM

but he made you see that what XH was doing was unsustainable

and for that, you should be glad and i don't think you have anything to reproach yourself for

was OM free at the time ?

because I think a lot of discomfort around affairs (justifiably) is he impact it has on other partners and any dc of both the relationships in the mix

OM was single at the time.

The timeline was shagged OM (frequently and often) for about 6 weeks, finished with OM, 2 weeks later left XH, was single for about 6 months, then a few short term relationships (I was brutal and ended anything that wasn't 100% perfect)

got back with OM and it isn't perfect but somehow he gets away with it

I just mean he drives me nuts. Is never ever on time, he's always late, won't let me pay for anything when we're out (his attitude is I've my DC's to see to, he has no kids so he has more disposable income), and sometimes he even forgets to bring chocolate

Oh and he snores.

kill him

He has been warned. Often.

No chocolate, no sex is the rule in this house

The reaction would have depended on how you'd presented the story. If you'd started with "my husband doesn't make me feel loved so I'm having an affair with a workmate" you'd have been slaughtered - unless/until you gave out more of the background. If you'd started with "my husband beats, rapes and emotionally abuses me and on top of that I've slept with a workmate" pretty much everyone would have said never mind the affair, what the hell are you doing with that unspeakable H?

In years gone by I'd have said firmly that you should dump one man before you have anything to do with another; but then I had a silly, mostly imaginary online emotional affair which opened my eyes to the state of my own marriage (nothing like as bad as yours, but worse than I should have put up with), so I understand how sometimes it provides the boost you were needing to do something about it. Which you did. In fact you did more or less everything anyone would have advised you to do, although perhaps in a slightly different order

Too right about the chocolate.

Annie- yes that's true I suppose.

I don't know that at the time I could have posted "my husband beats, rapes and emotionally abuses me". I think it was too raw and too hard to face up to.

And certainly, before I met OM, I wouldn't have considered that I was good enough to be treated differently. I'd been ground down and made to feel worthless for so long that it took OM to give me the wake up call.

And the thing is, in my head I feel it's wrong what I did but I absolutely do not regret it. Which is a circle I have trouble squaring.