Advice please? Feel like I'm constantly in limbo..

[scarlotti]

DH and I have been on a trail separation since last Nov after being in relate for a year before that. In January we decided that we should make the separation permanent. At the time we both felt very happy but with hindsight it was probably as much relief at the fact we no longer lived in such tension.
We have two DS' and so were in amicable contact.
In Feb we started seeing each other again, but without anyone knowing and certainly not the dc's so that there was no external pressure - more DH's issue than mine, as he didn't want to feel pressurised into having to make anything work.

Fast forward to now and we are still seeing each other occasionally, but don't really go out on dates. We are no further forward really than we were before. I am struggling with the lack of any kind of plan or effort on his part. I have suggested a few things like the marriage course, going out for more formal dates etc. but apart from one meal out he won't commit to any of that.

We have always been very different in terms of energy levels, mine are very high and I'm very positive and optimistic. He is the complete opposite.
Today, for example, I had invited him over this evening for dinner but he said he was too tired after looking after the DS' today (it was his night/day with them). To me that just conveys a lack of effort - when I mentioned it he said not to take it personally but that he was just tired.

I just don't know what to do. Do I carry on hoping at some point things might work out or do I cut my losses now? I do love him, but I also believe that it takes more than love to make a marriage and home life work.
Can he change his energy levels enough to contribute to family life in an equal way? If we try again and his energy is always lower than mine, will my optimism and drive slowly get eroded down to his level? When we were together, the resentment I felt at doing everything just built up to a point where I couldn't take it anymore

Well if I were you I'd be cutting my losses. If he can't make the effort now to work out how to get back together, then I can't see him making the effort if you somehow manage to get you two back together. Don't you think the resentment would just build right back up again? It sounds like he's happy as things are, and you're (quite rightly) not.

I should add that I'm generally somewhat opinionated, and not always right, but it does sound as though you've reached the same conclusion yourself anyway.

Good luck, and I hope you're happier soon!

Thanks for replying ... I seem to flit from thinking there's no chance to there being a chance quite a bit, depending on how things have been but I don't know if I'm just kidding myself.

What I don't know is whether the energy I'm hoping for is normal or whether I'm asking too much?

I would cut my losses - well, I've recently come out of a similar situation in terms of the way the man was behaving, and I did cut my losses.

You are not expecting too much. He is not necessarily incapable of being an okay partner, but he may well be incapable of being an okay partner for you, because he doesn't seem to want to put in even the bare minimum. Perhaps he'd be like this with anyone, perhaps it's just with you that he lacks any sort of motivation to make the relationship work. But it takes two, and you sound like you've done everything possible to try and make things work.

I think you'd find if you moved on, you would start to feel positive again about the future - you're worth so much more than this endless limbo. And trust me, I KNOW endless limbo. It's sheer hell. No-one deserves that.

Thanks SingOut, am so sorry to hear you've been through such limbo.

I wonder if you're right though about being okay for me - I do wonder sometimes if my energy levels and drive etc. pose too high a bar for him to reach, or just provide an excuse for him not to have to try.

Scarlotti.Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine.it's painful isn't it? We have started marriage guidance but H seems quite negative in it and seems to dwell on the differences in us rather than the positives
I too get things like 'am too tired' or sometimes he'll just be quite brusque or distant when we havd just had a great time together ( or so I thought) the day before.I am always questioning what's going on in his head and (feeling insecure) assume it's about me when he's like this.we have big ups and downs and like you I go in waves of thinking that his heart is in it to feeling like throwing in the towel as it's an emotionally exhausting way of living.
I was talking to a friend about it yesterday and she suggested giving myself a period of time ( say 6 weeks/ 3 months or whatever ) when I check in with myself and be really honest with myself about the state of things... And if it's more negative than positive then walk away... It's so tough isn't it? Life with 2 DCs by yourself is so tough ( mine are 1 and nearly 4) that it's hard not to think about the practicalities and fear of the future if you decide to walk away.I feel your pain totally.I hope for both if us the limbo is over soon! Btw
I have people saying to me that I must think about what I want in all of this but they are people who have not experienced what life and heartbreak of doing it alone is like.... Good luck and keep posting

Clouded, sorry to hear you're suffering too. Yes, it's the uncertainty about it all that is the hardest I think.
We can have a down patch and then I can speak to him about how I feel about his lack of effort and then he will be better for a few days, but then it soon goes back downhill. This weekend has been because he's been really busy at work - but life is always going to throw something at you and you have to be able to roll with the punches surely?
Your friend has a very good point. I think the hard part is being brutally honest though isn't it, as then there's no going back if you decide it's more negative than positive.
My two DS's are 5.5 and 1.5 and I also have a DD of 16.5 who is a godsend and a great help. I do know things would be a lot harder if I didn't have her to help out, even just little things like being around with the boys whilst I shower etc.
Good luck to you with whatever you decide and I hope you find peace and happiness soon