How much do you trust your instincts?...

[Coffeeisking]

Even though there is nothing really there to back them up?

Over the last week i have been feeling awful, anxious, but i can't really put my finger on what at first but its developed into suspicions about DP. I can't tell you why apart from something just doesn't feel right with us. but the way im feeling could be causing it iykwim?

So am i just being a paranoid cow, or can your instincts really pick something up like this.

Yes they can , although i hope this isnt true in your situation.
I have previously ignored mine , much to my cost , and i never would again .

What has your ears pricked up? can you say? Or is it still too vague?

I say be on your guard and pay attention. You are possibly feeling this way for a reason. Have you been with him long?

now totally believe and trust in them - but yes would depend how long together

I think 'instincts' can be an unhelpful word (not that I'm deriding you for using it, iyswim, just clarifying) because people often use it or interpret it to mean some woo-like 'something in my waters, can feel it in my bones, sixth sense' feeling.

I strongly trust my ability to pick up on signs, signals, actions and subtle changes in behaviour. When I don't feel right about something it's because I'm both consciously and unconsciously picking up on those things and those changes. Difference in semantics, really. If you feel uneasy about something in your relationship then you need to address it with your DP - don't brush it off as paranoia or just some unexplainable hunch that you're probably imagining. If something's wrong (and I really hope there's nothing wrong) then the evidence will be there, even if you think you're imagining it or would prefer to write it off as silly or baseless.

If there are explainable reasons for the things making you suspicious, your mind will be put at rest.

My instincts told me my ex was cheating long before I found evidence (in each case I hadn't looked for the evidence.) It took me a long time to realise that's what I was being told as he was more attentive if anything. It just felt as though my world was slightly out of kilter - I felt like I was going mad. One thing that I'll never forgive him for is that I told him this, that I felt something was wrong and didn't know what - I ended up at the doctor's on anti-depressants and he let me do that, knowing that something actually was up.

If I were you I'd be thinking: 'Something is going on. What is it?' rather than 'is something going on?'

Thank you for your replies, you will have to forgive me if this ends up not making sense as i am on my phone.

Me and DP have been together for nearly 9 years. i was 18 and he was 25 when we met. Early on we had a very intense relationship and were both quite firey.

5 years ago there was an incident where i caught DP kissing his best mates wife. i will point out i was pregnant with a baby he didnt want, our friends son had just died and there was no build up at all, they were very drunk, and he actually didnt like her much. no excuse though, just putting it in context of events. it hurt alot and i almost left then, but decided after afew weeks we could work through it.

He knows that i would in no way put up with anything like that again.
We recovered and i still loved him immensely.

3 years ago he broke his leg very badly, he lost his job so struggled with it all and spent alot of time with his mates rather than with me and kids. Things got really bed with us (Cont...)

And i ended up falling out of love with him. but i stuck with it and eventually most feelings came back.

I now go through fazes of loving him and not, the fazes of not loving him dont tend to last long. but i always felt secure with him. There have been a couple of things that worry me.

We dont talk unless its about the kids.
He tends to plan things with his mates without letting me know until he walks out the door.
A few weeks ago he went out with a mate. came home at 12, his mate then called. DP then told me his mate stitched him up and he was sat in the pub alone all night.
he has flexi hours at work and is normally home by 6.30 latest but a few time hes late.
he will bugger off to the shop, or barbers or something and be gone for ages.

It all seems really silly now ive written it down, but most of all at the moment some just doesnt feel right between us. it feels awkward around him and unsecure.

sorry for rambling i hope it makes sense.

No, it doesn't seem silly. You're describing a couple who've started living separate lives :( When the conversation is just about practicalities, and your partner doesn't think to include you in his private life, you're in a difficult situation. You must feel excluded, and perhaps even lonely in your relationship. It's scary, I know!

He does seem to be pulling away from you, so it's no wonder you feel insecure. Possibly he's also feeling insecure, due to his mishandling of the broken leg business and the subsequent fallout - but I don't want to guess his feelings for him, and neither should you!

Sit him down sternly and ASK him how he's feeling. Tell him what's bothering you. Depending on how that goes, maybe book yourselves some counselling?

I do hope this gets sorted out. All the best.

Thanks, most of what you said makes sense, we do live separate lifes, we have separate friends, mine i tend to see during the day when he is at work. we only really socialise together at weddings and things.

He now knows something is up, he did ask me but couldn't really talk as DS is up with trapped wind.

We have a weekend away in a couple of weeks for a wedding, without the kids so i may try to sit tight as see what happens.

I would still value some more views on this though.

I agree , have a sit down conversation about how you feel , and i would raise the issue of him treating you like free childcare too ie just going out or not discussing things with you .

See how you get on when it is just the two of you, if you feel the need then to broach any sensitive subjects do so.

Id say keep an eye on his phone does he take it everywhere with him or is he happy to leave it on the side whilst he bathes etc.,

When someone is cheating the first thing they do is constantly have their phone with them and never let it out of their sight.

Funny you should say about his phone, he went down the tip yesterday and left it at home. i had a good snoop but didnt find anything. although i couldnt log into his skype or messenger. im sure he knows i did as when he got home he was looking through it all.

Like i said last night he knew something was up with me and this morning he text me asking if me and him were ok?

I told him that i didnt know and was wondering the same thing. and that i felt like there is something not right in the relationship. he told me he loved me more than anything, and that he knows hes been withdrawn recently. put it down to his tinitus which has got bad recently. he was sorry that he has been like it and will take me out at the weekend to cheer me up.

He is also thinking about when we go to this wedding that we may go for two nights instead of one. which would be lovely.

I think i still have concerns though.

I always used to ignore my instincts about stuff, but in actual fact they were bang on everytime.

Your instincts about stuff come largely from your unconscious brain which is far more powerful than your conscious one. If you have a hunch about something but can't put your finger on it you are getting the information from your subconscious which doesn't miss a trick so to speak x

Agree with babyham.

I think instinct is all that you have got in the end. It is one of my strongest beliefs, and that has come from being in a dodgy situation and trusting my instinct to get out of it. The first time, the hotel I was worried about and changed from in Africa 'cos it had no fire escape, burned down just a couple of nights after we moved out. Also been in unsafe situation, and the instinct was right (got mugged one time and knew it was coming but could not avoid it)

Follow your instincts.

I came home from work last week and DP was on the phone. Usually trust him 100% and didn't hear much of the conversation, but for some reason alarm bells rang. I checked his facebook the next day and he's been talking to his ex, told her he misses her, loves her, would be back with her tomorrow.

OP - I think you should trust your instincts and keep your eyes peeled.

Squishy :( what did you do?

You have concerns he may be cheating do you mean? I don't think the actions you have described sound like cheating but you are clearly not happy.

Did you go out over the weekend?

TBH I haven't done anything yet. Not sure what I should do as I honestly believed that we were happy together. Every time that I go to mention it I loose the bottle to do so. My head is in a bit of a mess about it and I just want to burst into tears all of the time. I have always known his fb password but never felt the need to check it before but had a gut feeling. I know they don't actually see each other (due to distance) and it was obvious that this was the first conversation (not that it makes it any better). I'm just very confused at the moment. Also feel like an idiot for not doing anything about it.

Sorry for thread hijack!

maybe start your own thread, squishy, so that you can get some more support. So sorry, it sounds shit. Do keep posting.

Sorry to here that squishy, i hope everything is ok?

Me and dp didnt go out due to money, but we did get a takeaway and had a nice evening at home. we are also of to wales for the night without the kids in a couple of weeks for a friends wedding so im looking forward to that.

Things are ok at the moment, i wouldnt say were fully 're-connected' but we are ok. still keeping an eye on things. nothing i can do about suspitions so i have decided to stop stressing.

Thank you all for your advise, i have taken it on board and will just see how things go.