DP and I just don't see eye to eye on prioritising family time

[cerealqueen]

I am a SAHM. DP sometimes works evenings and weekends. He is also in a band which regularly takes him away at weekends. He worked last Saturday and is away Saturday and Sunday next of the bank holiday weekend. This weekend his sister was moving. She asked him to help and at the time, I thought this was unreasonable as it means that three weekends in a row, we'd have reduced family time. Plus, am pregnant and at 43, really feeling tired, more so than I was with DD who is 2.5. He kind of said he saw my point but never told her or even spoke to her to find out what it is she needed. He finally spoke to her on Friday, explained that he hadn't been home much recently. She has arranged for a removal van, his brother is visiting this weekend and is helping, she has two daughters in their twenties helping and a teenage son.
She wanted him to drive her the two miles with the final bits and pieces. I repeated that is wasn't reasonable as she seemed to have enough help. He agreed to go regardless, said he'd go for a couple of hours (silly really as its a two hour round trip). He left at 10am and came back at 5.30pm.

I am angry that he put the wishes of his sister before his me and family. I feel that he always gets to do what he wants to do. He says he wanted to help his sister. Something has to give. He cant go away weekends for his hobby, work the occasional Saturday and then give up family time.

Whenever he has a gig, he agrees to it without discussing it with me. I feel we come second to what he wants to do and how he wishes to spend his time. I am dreading the new baby now because I feel like this is part of him rebelling against the responsibilities of fatherhood.
I am also angry at his sister for being so selfish.

How do I get him to see that his family must come first?

I can totally see where you're coming from OP. You need to have a serious talk with your DH about this. A hobby that takes him away that much is just not feasible when you are soon to have two very small children. This is something I had to talk to my DH about too, although he wasn't nearly as bad as your DH. When DS was first born he spent hours online playing games while I fed and changed DS (no way on earth I was going to do any housework!!). He honestly saw my time with DS as relaxation time because I was mainly on the couch but as anyone who has BFed knows it was far from relaxing! He didn't really see that I never got a break from DS while he was still behaving as if he had no child - ie doing what he wanted and only looking after DS when it suited him. His argument was that he needed to relax but I just said he'd have to realise that that's not possible when you have a small child and he'd have to suck it up. And in all fairness to him, he did. He's much more aware of giving me time off now and not assuming I'm always there to look after DS.

Next time he says he has a gig, could you say "Oh but I'm going out that night, you'll have to cancel" and see what he says? If his attitude is that his time is more important than yours then that'll become fairly obvious straight away. Some men see their wife as a fixture in the household, there constantly to facilitate their lives. They don't recognise that they have just as much responsibility to keep the house ticking over and it can be a shock when they realise they can't just suit themselves any more. Time for a serious chat I think.

God sounds so familiar except that I didn't realize how bad it was until much much later....

Have a word with him and set very clearly your expectations. Agree on how much time he can have during the weekend (Let's say a weekend with the family every other WE, whether he is busy with a gig or with work).
Then write it down a calendar so you know and he knows what is going on (and when he is pushing the limits).
Ensure that you have equal time 'for yourself' as he has and leave him with your dc on his own for the day (don't make it easy for him, more like it would be for you).

Most of all, have a serious chat about it with him and agree on boundaries of what is acceptable or not for you two. I would also include housework, activities etc... in it too. And try to think about what will happen when the new baby is here. Who is responsible of what (perhaps make a list - Dh responsible to put dc1 in bed, or DH responsible to do bath with baby every night??) then when the times comes, stick with it.

IMHO, you are right in feeling that you come second. I don't believe his sister has anything to do with his (very) late coming back. He is big enough to realize that and just say 'No I'm sorry. I need to go back home now.'

Thanks for the support advice and how to take things forward. I did try and talk to him this morning and he seemed to be taking on board what I said. But then he says I need to have my time too....! My god, he gets whole weekends. In January he went abroad for six days. He then asked what about my friend whose husband goes to all his teams home games. I just burst into tears as he always mentions them and it just showed that he can't see my point of view. I had to email him and I was getting so pissed off and remind him she has her mum, they had a mother's help when her three were smaller, they had an au pair for a while, and have cleaner, gardner and she goes on a spa weekend every so often. .... Their lives are so far removed from ours.
Its about what is right for our family.

Well, I fund that, ins some ways, my DH was comparing his situation to what his mates were. of course, forgetting that said mates got divorced or don't have a family or just behave in (imo) appaulingly.

What has made a difference is to talk about other people and say aloud how/why I thought X and Y were behaving in very bad ways. That way, I could get the message of what I am finding unacceptable through. He, in most cases, actually agreed with me, because well, it isn't on... but because it wasn't about us, he wasn't getting as defensive.
I also have reminded him that, actually, it isn't just about me and my 'needs' against 'his' but about the realtionship he has with his dcs. I don't know what sort of relationship your DH has with his parents but he might want to reproduce (or avoid) that very particular set up. You can forge a strong relationship with your dcs if you are never there for them (and children do pick that up very early on, even at 2~3yo).
HTP

Thanks carpet.... no parents alive so I can't observe first hand but from conversations we have, we both had Dads who went out to work and left our mums to the child rearing. He has made the comment that he does more than my Dad ever did (that wouldn't be hard though!) I think given our backgrounds, he is surprised that i have to talk to him about his contribution and has said, I'm one of the good guys, there are a lot worse then me. I just shouted at him you are a father, you do what a father is supposed to do.

He adores DD, and she adores him too.

He is fantastic at playing with her, much better than me. I just think that he thinks about his 'me' time A LOT. He'll always say, well you take some time out, As though we both have our time first and then we can have family time. I think family time comes first and then we can fit in our own time. Inbetween all this is the chores and he still can't get his head round all that either as it is relentless.

OP, I was in exactly the same situation as you, my DH was also in a band, travelled all over and worked full time during the week as well. We have 3 DC's. When we discussed his lack of time at home, I also had to put up with the comments about so and so in the band and his DW never complained about a lack of family time.

My response was, so what. If the other DW tolerated it, that was her business. Nothing to do with me or our relationship.

Sadly, it came down to an ultimation before he took me seriously. Me and our DC's or the band. I felt like a single parent without the option of looking for another relationship.

Luckily for us, he chose our family. But it is so hard.

Thanks ModreB, that is so helpful as he makes me think its me, and I'm spoiling his success. He spoilt my first year of motherhood, he had over ten weekends away in the year, three in a row in one instance.
He says he is giving up the band...but I don't actually believe him. I was even thinking today, I were ill and needed him to come home before a gig, would he? I can't say hand on heart he would. .
I have figured out I'd be better off as a single parent, at least then he'd have to see his Dc every other weekend.
I adore DD but this week it will be seven days without a break or any help.

That's very sad Cerealqueen. I wonder if your DH realises how much he is missing out on. A friend of mine who has grown up kids says her husband is tortured with guilt now because he missed out so much on his kids growing up as he was away with work and hobbies so much. It's time that he can never get back. Even one week is a long time to miss out on with a small child. One day your DD will be a little lady and your DH will wonder how it happened.

Ten weekends away in one year is far far too much. Your last post (18:42) expresses how you feel very well - have you said all this to DH?

he spends time with the band because he wants to. I would guess that he finds family time boring. he is his own priority. Don't wait for him. be away when he gets in. Tell him what a wonderful time you had. Go away for the weekend with your daughter and without him. Don't make a big deal of it but leave him on his own. As my mother would say, you are like an old coat hanging behind the door, he always expects you to be there.

7to25, you are totally right.
But the reality is that, for me & DH, he just carried on with what he was ding. At least, i really enjoyed the times I spent with the dcs and hope they have nice memories of it. DH, on the other side, still sees spnding time with his dcs as a chore.... so I had to really coaxe him into doing family things. Somehow he started to appreciate being with them but it is a long road and little difficulties set him back easily.

There is still a vey long way in front of us but then we started from much further away (DH away the equivalent of 13 WE a year + some evenings + some holidays. He spent the first 6 years of dc1 life being a part time dad as he was away, for work or hobbies, half of the week evey week).
The lesson I've learnt from that is : Do not accept that! And also, saying it isn't acceptable isn't enough. You need to mean it and show it!.

OP, I am sorry I am not painting a nice picture here. I do think it is something that can be tackled if your partner is willing to make the effort/his relationship to you&his dcs is important for him.

Hi Cerealqueen I'm getting a sense of deja vu reading your post. With my (very recently) XP it was football/the pub/occasionally work that came before family time, never mind time with me.

I tried 'the talk'/nagging/reasoning/crying/letter writing/chucking him out/taking him back/counselling/rationalising/appealing to his common sense/shouting/reminding what he could lose options, to no avail. Even after drawing up a schedule (I'm even cringeing to think I felt the need to do that ) he would still routinely say on 'family days', what are you doing later because (insert name) has asked me to go for a pint/to watch the match (delete as appropriate) and be surprised when this annoyed me.

The final straw for me was that he refused to engage with me on any level to sort this out and to this day thinks that everything would be fine and dandy if I hadn't started shouting . The fact that he wasn't pulling his weight in household and child care stuff was just a background irritation to the fact that he was not interested in listening to me.

It is very sad as we have a fab 2 year old DD, and I thought could have made a very happy family...but on reflection I think I changed after DD arrived, I had hoped he would too, but he never has, and never will. Oh and he's 41 years old so that's a bit sad really isn't it?