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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

don't know what to do to get back on track!

17 replies

goddess72 · 22/05/2011 08:15

I've been with my boyfriend over 2 years, however since we moved in together there has been problems, basically he has a teenage daughter who is at a difficult age, causing alot of problems between us, and I've got 2 younger children which he has found difficult too. There have been some awful rows between us and we have kind of forgotten the things we love about each other. Our sex life is non existence, his daughter has moved in and we basically never get any time to ourselves to discuss anything, so we are just plodding on, things are calmer at the moment, but I just don't know what to do to try and make this work, I've suggested councilling, I've suggested time away with each other, he doesn't seem keen on either. He says he loves me and wants to make it work but I don't think he knows how to, just hopes things will just sort themselves out, I don't think they will and I don't know how to become close to him again. We're living in the same house but as strangers its a nightmare, anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
loverboys · 22/05/2011 08:21

try and do the things you did together when you fell in love ... cinema walks etc. doesnt the teenage daughter ever stay w the mother

Original poster
goddess72 · 22/05/2011 08:25

Well thats the problem, she falls out with her mother and comes to us, she could fall out with her at anytime, its like a time bomb, when we have managed to do something together, quite often texts or phonecalls start for bf to come and get her as she's had a fall out, even her mother texts bf to tell him to come and get her, its a nightmare, how can you have a relationship like this?

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 22/05/2011 11:31

I think you'd have a better relationship if you lived separately. I wouldn't live with anyone who found my children difficult and I wouldn't live with anyone else's difficult child either. Separate houses works really well - you always have somewhere to go back to when you've had enough.

loverboys · 22/05/2011 14:13

you have to start working as a team, as difficult as that may seem now - his daughter and the scenario is coming between you. how hard is he - your partner - willing to work at it. you dont want to live unhappily its just not worth it. are you a mum yourself?

loverboys · 22/05/2011 14:14

sorry just reread you do have children too, you gotta find that majic again. how did it come about first time round. men do love how women are with their kids and yes teenage years ugh! its a very tough situation i hope today has been ok>?

Original poster
goddess72 · 22/05/2011 15:13

I think he just thinks things will blow over! Which they do but then the problems start again, and the resentment builds up as the situation was never dealt with properly the time before! He says he's willing to work at it but when I suggest things he doesn't want to know! I just can't mend it on my own I need him to meet me half way. We never get chance to talk cos she's always with us even goes to bed the same time as us. I really feel like running away sometimes.

The living seperately is ok in the short term but not sure thats really what I want out of a relationship in the long term!!!!

OP posts:
loverboys · 22/05/2011 18:32

its a tough one because i think if you move out you may find you guys end up separating. but at the end of the day he has to try as much as you are. cant you have some free zone times - say she is not allowed to come on wed and saturdays because youre going out together - you cant let the teenager run your life surely, have you put that to partner?

Original poster
goddess72 · 22/05/2011 20:38

Good idea actually! I haven't tried that one, is that a reasonable request do u think? I tried the thursday evening date night suggestion, but it never happens for one reason or another. The thing is what shoud bf do if say we're having a saturday night together but she phones and says come and get me because she's fallen out with say her brother... he won't say no, which has what has caused so many rows, am I just banging my head against a brick wall here.

Hey loverboys, thanks so much for your replies x

OP posts:
Original poster
goddess72 · 22/05/2011 20:39

The thing is she would probably start to feel unwanted, then I would feel bad, bf would feel bad I'm just not sure what is reasonable here to be honest????!

OP posts:
Original poster
goddess72 · 23/05/2011 13:01

Anyone got any advice in the step daughter situation, I don't know whats reasonable, but I need some alone time with my bf??

OP posts:
loverboys · 23/05/2011 17:11

hmmm well i know she is his daughter and everything but is there a little bit of wrapped his finger going on here? ok so she has an argument with so and so, life can wait for 12 hours cant it? is she the argumentative one here or all of them, sounds like a nightmare situation but you are going to have to sort it otherwise you got another what 6-8 years of it!!! when your step daughter is around next time why dont you and bf engage in conversation in front of her and get her to join in.

for example - stepdaughter do you think me and your dad should go out more?
bf - yes i do when was the last time we had a date night
you - its been ages
bf - lets get back into our weekly date night
step daughter - what day do you think we should make mine and step mums date night?
where do you think we should go on our first date night? (share with her a time when you both went out so show that they are good for you and her dad to have fun etc. live a bit, relax after hard week at work, say why you need them but dont put the focus on her say it in a very relaxed manner, perhaps not maintaining eye contact)

the stepdaughter has to start growing up and learning that people have their own lives aswell. you can do this without making her feel left out.

the key is the father, he has to want to take you out and be with you MORE. since the daughter is going to survive those few hours till morning so she can come round.

loverboys · 23/05/2011 17:13

just out of interest how old are your children

loverboys · 23/05/2011 17:15

does your partner email? yes or no? email him with the title 10 things i love about you ... see what he will then return to you

if he doesnt email ... put a note in his work pocket - somewhere he will open in it in advance of being in front of work mates!

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 23/05/2011 17:16

Hmm, you do sound a bit boxed in.

have you tried talking to him?

Reality · 23/05/2011 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontHassleTheBOF · 23/05/2011 17:29

Perhaps you could just talk directly but pleasantly to your step-daughter about it? You know, say that you and her dad need some time to yourselves like all grown-ups, and that if she is going to come round, she'll still need to go up and read/watch tv in her room by about nine. Perhaps soften the blow and make it clear you still want to get along with her- bridge the gap with a girly shopping trip and buy her some troll beads or similar?

loverboys · 24/05/2011 11:39

forgive me if i am wrong here but is dsd argumentative? cranky? its a tough line, i would be very wary of you telling her you want time with your dad. personally i would want him in on it too so it doesnt blow up in your face.

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