Stepkids hate me!

[littleoscarsmama]

I have just started seeing a man who is 50, and he has 4 sons aged 13, 17, 19 and 21. I am 27 so just 6 years older than his oldest boy. His marriage ended last December due to his wife cheating on him. His wife now lives with her lover, and boys all live with dad. I go round regularly and i'm always nice to his sons, trying to make conversation with them but the three eldest blatantly ignore me or reply with some horrible sarcastic comment. The 13 year old is brilliant and we get on great. I understand they will all still be scarred emotionally by their parents seperation, but they're taking it out on me. Their dad is great with them and does put his sons needs before anything else, which is fine and rightly so after what they've been through, but it's got to the point now where I don't want to spend time at the house when the 3 oldest are there and instead dp, his 13 year old, and I have to do something outside the house and it's not easy because the 13yold has to get up for school the next morning and we cant be trawling around town just to spend time together and my house is too far for the 13yold to come and stay the night with his dad because of having to go to school and me and dp work etc. I do have feelings for dp and he for me which is why we're still going at it, but i'm not sure how much more I can take of it.

If you have "just started seeing" this man you shouldn't really be that involved with his 13 year old son at this point.

I can completely understand why the older boys are so uncomfortable with you becoming involved in their lives. Having someone so close in age to them in a possible future parental role would have made me very uncomfortable too. Not to mention the fact that they could well harbour secret hopes that their mum will come to her senses and get back with dad. It doesn't matter how daft that idea is, they may still feel that way.

You need to try not to make yourself at home in their home for a few months and try to keep your lives a little more separate. Don't put yourself in the position where they can take their frustrations out on you. Your relationship is with their dad, not them, so you should probably take the hint and take a step back.

I think your DP needs to be a little more responsible and start paying for a babysitter for the 13 year old, while you and he spend time together in the evenings.

There's plenty of time to get involved with the family in the future when your relationship is more established and they have had time to get used to the idea. At that point you need to take the adult role and find a way to negotiate a truce with these boys by sitting them down and talking through what is bothering them and how you can remedy that.

Interesting post for your first day.

If you've just started seeing him, why have you met his children so early? Surely they need time to get used to the idea first? It must be a shock for them, you being so young.

I assume from your name you have a child as well - has he met your new partner yet?

Sounds like the lines are very blurred here. I am surprised you have met the 13 year old never mind going out and about with him so often. The way you describe the relationship you have with him is like you see him as a mate......
Cant say I am surprised that the older ones resent you.

Very early days for him to be introducing someone new to the family. I know his ex has done it too, but that doesnt make it any easier for the poor children.

I'd keep interaction with them to a minimum until their distress at what has happened has started to settle. Of course your DP should have started out that way but obviously hasnt

If and when in the fullness of time, you are still together, that might be the time to start developing a relationship with them, albeit very very slowly. I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but I do think your age will make things much more difficult for the children to accept your relationship with their Dad.

Their parents only separated 6 months ago. Their life has been chaos with their mum introducing a new partner and their dad introducing a new partner in that time. It doesn't matter how old they are that still hurts.

You are not their step mother (and I would go far as to add you will never be a mother figure to the elder children even if one day you marry to their father). You are their fathers girlfriend. Nothing more.

I can't see how their father puts them before anything else as he has happily brought you into their lives in a few short months while they are sill reeling from what has happened.

You need to back right out of this family and see him as a girlfriend away from the family home without his children around.

I would also say be careful you are not just a rebound.

Not wishing to be mean but you have to factor in the age gap, most children would not want a step parent who is only 6 years older than them, your dp could be your father.

Maybe it is that they do not agree with, and a lot of children wouldn't.

How long have you been together ? And do you mean he split from his wife this December just gone , or the December before ? If it was the December just gone I would be inclined to slow down your relationship building with the three oldest . But I wouldn't stay away from the house . I would look for a healthy balance of going out on dates , and going back for coffee . Do you stay over ? If so , id keep the day and frequency the same for a while , so the kids become aware that on this night , you stay over , and they can make alternative plans if they are inclined to .

If it has been over a year since the split , then their dad really must step in when they are being rude and disrespectful . I don't think there is a correct time to be introduced to kids . I was introduced to mine fairly quickly , and we were out doing things straight away . It took me years to develop a relationship with the kids though , that was my choice , I needed to take it slow , but it worked out .

I used techniques such as listening , and watching , looking for snippets of information regarding their interests , likes and dislikes , and when the atmosphere was right , id start conversations based on this . Or id happen to have a dvd that I knew they wanted to watch , or cds that I knew they liked ( Funnily enough we have the same music taste , but I am 11 years younger than DH ) .

I would also think about easy , none full on activities . It's coming up to summer , what about a Bbq , and get the eldest favourite tipple in and a favourite dessert ? Invite friends or their family over . Plan to go see a gory horror movie , and see if the older ones want to join you ? But stay relaxed , don't force anything , be natural , back off and just listen for signs . If the atmosphere is good , make contact , then pull back before they have a chance to get bored or realise they are talking to you . Don't show any weakness either , roll your eyes and walk away if you have to .

This must be very hard but place yourself in his older kids shoes. For 21 yr old you are someone he could potentially date. For the 19 yr old you are not outside his 'fanciable' range. Especially for these two I would think your age must play into their anger/distress at their parents breakup and the way they treat you. If you are staying nights for all his children this must be incredibly hard - to know what your dad is getting up to with someone who isn't your mom is just difficult.

I think you need to take it very slow and realise that building a relationship with his dc will take a lot of time and that you will suffer setbacks along the way. One thing I will say from my what my own personal view of this is that you need to appear to be their dad's equal. I personally would view anyone my dad dated with that big an age gap as a kind of reaction to his recent divorce - so a fleeting meaningless thing that won't last long. I'm not saying this is what your relationship is but how I would view it if I was them.

I had a relationship with a man whose eldest son was 5 years younger than me.
His own words were "It's really hard dad you going out with someone who me mates fancy" so don't underestimate how hard the age difference is.
I also think your dp should be arranging to see you without the 13 year old, it's way too early to have so much involvement. Nell speaks much sense.
Oh I would also add if you are at the stage where you don't think you can take much more, then it might be wise to back out now, because there will be far tougher traumas ahead with four boys/men at that stage in their lives and for you at 27 and child free? it's a lot to cope with.

I'd have to say that getting to know his kids after such a short time (just started seeing?) would be a bad idea, especially for the 13 yo! His parent's as he knew them are no more, his mother had shacked up with her lover FFS.

The poor little chap is trying his best to comes to terms with two lots of new relationships.

As are the other boys.

Take a step back, let them get to know you in their own time.

I agree with others here... you are trying to take this relationship far too quickly, especially as your DP has so recently split from the mum to his boys.

I'd suggest you and DP concentrate on spending time just the two of you away from his house and without the 13 year old around (for example, when he's at his mum's) and consolidating your relationship before involving his sons.

As much as you may feel aggreived by the situation, you need to remember that those four boys are the real victims in the situation, and even if they are being unkind to do your best not to resent them for taking their feelings out on you.

They are not your stepkids. Take 10 steps backwards and stop trying to make them behave in a way that makes you happy.

Yes I agree with all the post they are not your step kids at this point in time

You should not even really know them at this point in time and as they are o old I knot getting why you can't see each other without the children????

I think if after a year of seeing each other and meeting his children in a planed way on their terms if they still cannot accept you then really their is only one thing to be done

LittleOscar'smama - do you in fact have a young child called Oscar. Only wondered because this woud make matters far more complicated. I don't really disagree with posters (have only skimmed them) but think you might be better off posting in StepParents.

Where did OP go?

In my opinion it is far too early in your relationship to be meeting each other's children. I would leave it a few months and just meet with their dad when he does not have his children about.