Any ideas?

[Mum2one2]

I have a 12 week old baby and appreciate I am very lucky but since he has been born I don't really like my dh to touch me. He is a very affectionate person who loves to cuddle and kiss but recently he's even noticed I cringe and turn my cheek when he tries to kiss me. We haven't had sex since baby arrived and the mere mention of it makes me really upset, he's being really good and understanding but even I don't know why I'm like this. About 5 weeks ago I found loads of porn on the laptop and I literally felt like he'd been cheating on me, even when I try and reason with myself it keeps popping back into my head. I don't know what to do as I feel so guilty, I'm scared about what it means about my feelings for him but hate the thought of us not being together. Even if we talk about it I wouldn't really know what the problem was to explain to him, apart from the idea if sex makes me want to throw up! Any advice greatly appreciated!

It's normal to go off sex for a while after having a baby - don't panic that it means the end of your relationship, your DH will have to be patient. If you're breastfeeding sometimes the hormones from that can contribute to the loss of sex drive, sometimes it's just being knackered and wanting some personal space back - after spending so much time caring for the baby sex can feel like another 'chore'. Are you ok with cuddles from your DH if they are totally non-sexual?

About the porn I guess you might feel that your DH would rather look at these women with super-fit bodies who pretend to be sexually available all the time and would compare you unfavourably to them. I'm sure he'd a million times rather have real sex with you, but you should tell him how you feel.

When a little one is needing your body for comfort (and food?) as much as a 12 week old can, it is entirely natural to not feel very sexy. I found that the minute I put dd to bed, my dh wanted cuddles & kisses, but I had to say - no, my brain is still in baby mode. If I had half an hour of peace with a glass of wine, then I started to feel like a grown up again and could appreciate dh rather than being annoyed by him.

Exactly what porpoisefull said. I say this as a man on the other side of basically the same issue.

Though just a heads-up to choose the way you express it carefully - my DW was of the "oh get away, it makes me feel sick" responses, which can seem quite hurtful (though they're not meant to be, of course).

great response from Porpoise. Cut yourself some slack. It's very normal not to want sex. Maybe you could negotiate a completely sex-free period so you both know what the deal is. For example if you agree no sex or mention of sex for the next two months it could help take the pressure off.

As for the porn. If it upsets you, you should talk to him about it.

For the porn - I am not really a porn fan but remember he doesn't have all the physical and emotional drains you have. He still has a sex drive and perhaps just isn't dealing with his horniness very well. If it upsets you too much tell him you don't like it and want him to stop. I am sure he is not trying to hurt you with that or even thinking what it makes you feel like. People don't really look at the women in the porn iykwim, they are only interested in... sorting themselves out...

Thankyou all, I suppose I was thinking I might be a bit odd, so I'm glad to hear at least that's not true. I like the idea of a sex free time period as then maybe il start to like the affection bit again at least.