Need some advise... please!

[Sarahsmile]

Hi,

Been with my DP for nearly 10 years and have a DS who is 5... he has changed so much over the years I sometimes feel like it living with a flat mate instead. Feel we dont have that much in common.. apart from DS but how do you get that spark (or something ) back... when we met felt he was my complete soulmate (yes I know cheesy) but was so happy and had a great sex life.... but now feel every day is like that Film Groundhog Day and apart from DS to talk about nothing much else just the usual house, jobs etc.. He is a good man but now feel is this it now? Does anyone else feel like this... feel like I put on an act that have this lovely house, job, etc but inside feel like screaming NO!!! Any ideas on how to get the spark back
I have never felt so lonely, he is not the easiest person to live with too, think he may have BPD, Border Personilty Disorder, just read a book at the library and was a complete eye opener... feel he is very judge mental, and that no one has any idea how I have been living these last 5 years (its seems to be since then) that things gone downhill..feel like I am tip toeing around him, there is no itimacy, no kisssing nothing, god I feel like crying as I am reading this, feel that all my friends think I am living this fantastic life if only they know... anyone got any advice ... thanks

Anyone?

Can you give a brief summary of Border Personality Disorder please?

Poor u Sarahsmile

Sounds awful. You really need to sit him down and talk about this otherwise youre going to make youself ill. Its not easy admitting that there is a problem but you really cant go on feeling so miserable. Have you thought about relate?

Hi, yeh, it started out little things critising, friends, how things are done aroud the house, it usually stems from someone who was abused, and its there way of blaming themselves for things that have happened in their past but turn it around to end up blaming you for things itself, its a very hard condition to live with as feel like you are tip toeing around not wanting to rock the boat etc... they are usually not very confident people although you wouldnt think so with my DP, who holds down a fantastic job, I also read they lash out (dont mean hitting) as a way of trying to push bondaries, see if you do really love the person, I am finding this difficult to write about as have not spoke to anyone about it, but will post later as need to get my ds ready for a birhtday party.

Hi, Following on from my previous post, has anyone heard of or living with someone with BPD? I have thought of going to Relate.. laurasarah, I am definetely going to look into this, just feel I need to get alot of things that I am holding in out...feel I could leave most days but not really practical, financially and also dont think I could put myself (or my family) through a split although now feel life is so short, is this it now... to top it all, sex, intimicy gone as well, god I sound so pathetic, I am just so glad have a wonderful networks of friends, and enjoy the majority of other things going in my life, jobs etc.... would really love to hear your views & advice ... thanks

Putting aside the BPD issue; do you think your husband still loves you? Do you still love him? You say that there is no intimacy and no kissing. You can't live like this, so perhaps think about what caused the distance between you if you can. Was there a point when he changed or you changed?

You do have options, and it's great that you're on here looking for help, I'm sure you'll get loads. You don't have to put up with being this unhappy, nobody would expect you to.

Keep posting.

I'm fairly sure my ex had Borderline Personality Disorder. Unlike yours, though, he did not hold down a good job. I'm probably not the best person to ask about it though, as after many years of trying to "make it work" as though he were an ordinary person - doomed to failure, of course, because he wasn't - I left. The only helpful thing I can say is that you don't have to live with someone who makes you miserable, regardless of whether they can help it or not. There are always options.

If you do want to stay with him, this book might be helpful, but it won't work if only one of you reads and digests it. He has to engage with the process too, which starts by admitting the way he treats you is not ideal. That's probably the hardest thing for someone with BPD to get past. I'm guessing he doesn't "do" counselling...

BPD

I have it myself it affects people in different ways.

www.bpdworld.org/what-is-bpd

Things don't always go smoothly in relationships and you sometimes have to work at them, you have to work at keeping the spark alive it doesn;t happen naturally.

Are you bored? Have you fell out of love or is it something else?

Fabbychic.. thanks for your post read the link and it does tie up alot with the book I read.. Walking on eggshells.. which gave me a great insight into this condition and also living with it... I keep thinking would it be a good idea to bring the subject up and ask if he has even heard of it... I am unsure as something like this would to me just trigger off another row but dont think I can go on just trying to be all happy and smilly on the outside to all my friends & family but inside so unhappy and have now started over the last 6 months developed having anxiety, feelings of heavyness on my chest... went to doctors and she ran some blood tests etc and all came back 100% fine, blood pressure cloesteral great... jsut feel it is now taking effect with my health all this not sure how is going to be mood wise and also bringing up a social occosion is a nightmare as he seems to get really down/angry when I mention it to him... this can be either a social thing with my own friends or also when its a family do as well... got a wedding coming up soon, close family of mine and he has alredy started saying we are not staying late, etc, DS is 5 and he doesnt think we need to stay beyond the meal... and as it is quite far from the house I had booked a hotel for staying over which means my DS having to be off school on the Monday (the wedding is as sunday) and he is now not happy (although knew I was booking the hotel and even showed him the picture of it on the internet, discussed costs etc) with that saying that its not on and he thinks there is no need to be doing this and he cant get day off now (we have known about this wedding for 2 years)!! God I am getting so *issed off with this... please anymore ideas apart from Realte... anyone had any good feedback from going and also does it cost ?

Fabbychic... bored..yeh at times I am but I suppose every relationship goes through this phase... it just feels like it its not a phase and been like this for years... deep down still love him just not sure how much in love with him...I know deep down he is a good man as I would not have fallen in love with him, but just cant believe how much a person can change over a period of years to someone I just dont know even more... feel like I am dying inside ...

Would love to hear any other views from MN's.. thanks

Follwing on from org post... partner been away on business 3 days came back last nite and no hug, kiss anything... thats not normal eh? God I just dont know what to do anymore... need to get some advise financial & emotional... anybody else just now in the same position... just cant see how this is going to be resolved... house, moving DS away from school, etc... god what a mess, and yet everyone thinks it perfect... god what a joke... sorry to be ranting on... could just do with a hug!

I feel for you, it sounds to me like the lack of affection/communication/socialising (on his part) has become habitual and neither of you are happy. But that doesn't mean things have to stay that way and you can't brake out of this pattern and be a happy couple again.

I think you should talk to him, see if he is happy, what things you could do for him to make him happier, be more touchy feely with him and in turn I think it would naturally then progress to him being more affectionate and sociable with you and you will be happier. Then in time you will feel less on egg shells and be able to approach the things that need addressing in the relationship.

Me and my DH went to councelling in January, we found it helpful as it meant we had to talk for a set time and neither of us could storm off or get angry as the councelor was there. But it doesn't sound like you feel you can approach him about this at the moment, but if you can it would be worth a try. I just googled for local counselors and chose a relationship counselor, it was quicker and cheaper than relate.

I dont think you should give up on your DH just yet, give it your best shot at working things out.

Sending you a hug x

Thanks Lucky24 for your reply.. will google and see if there is any concelling in my local area... he is very difficult to speak to but will try, maybe need another different approach as it this sticking our heads in the sand and hoping the problems will go away is obviosely not working well not for me... want so much more for this relaationship, invested the last 10 years, building up a home, family etc... it would be so heart braking for it too fail... I was married 15 years ago (only lasted 3 years) as he had a affair with someone from work and left me devasted.... out myself and my family through so much and this time with having DS who is 5 (didnt luckly have any children with Ex H) just dont think I have the stenght to go through this again... although differnt circumstances this time..

If he is hard to talk to just start small, what would he like to do at the weekend? family day out? swimming? up to him. Make him feel he is part of the family and that his input is welcome.

You say he didn't come and kiss/hug you when he came home from his trip but did you go to him to hug kiss him? When he gets back from work tonight you go to him to welcome him with a small kiss hello, ask if he wants a cup of tea, make him feel wanted and IME in time he will make you feel the same. Try and build on it, if your out hold his hand when walking along, sit next to him on the sofa for a snuggle. If he pulls away I think you are left with no choice but to talk to him.

I know some will say your not a 50's house wife .... but i see it as give and take if you want to make this work then you will have to show him the way.

Is he affectionate with you son? As in did your son go to him/he go to your son when he got back from his trip for a cuddle?

Yeh we do family days out.. swimming etc.. DS was in bed when he got home... yeh maybe should have went and gave him a cuddle, I opened the door and he went straight pass me with his suitcase!!! After getting DS down to bed, I will usually catch up with soaps, tidy up, do lunches for everyone, washing machine on you know the usually boring routine stuff.. and he will be either on running machine, or on computer doing work stuff we dont wathch or like usually the same programs!! But will see what tonite brings, with it being a weekend.. will try and sit down & have some sort of conversion and see what he has to say, he cant be happy... as he has made off the cuff comments recently!

good luck x