Should you give things up to maintain a relationship?

[BearGrylls]

Hi all, I am a long time lurker but could now do with some advice but I will try to be brief. I am a single mum with 3 fantastic children, I left their abusive father 4 years ago (though we now have a good relationship) and for the past year have been involved with a lovely man who has young children of his own. It hasn't always been easy, we both brough a lot of baggage to the relationship and his ex can be very difficult where I am concerned.

Anyway, talk has recently been of the future and how we move forward. Initially he said that whilst he loves me more than any woman ever, he feels uneasy about us living together as his children would find it hard to adjust. After much soul searching we called off the relationship as I felt he could not give me the security I craved. During the time apart I have rediscovered my passion for travel, resumed hobbies I had long given up, reconnected with old friends etc - all the things I missed out on when I was in my LTR. So, out of the blue he emails me telling me how he has changed his mind and he wants us to be together. Whilst this is wonderful, there is part of me now feeling that there are things I would have to give up such as my plans to travel, my friendships with other men (competely innocent but he has been a bit jealous in the past) etc.

My relationship with my DC's father was abusive, controlling and violent so now the slightest hint of jealousy or similar sends me fleeing! What I want to know from you fantastic lot is how much you give up to be with someone, or do you just say 'this is me, take it or leave it, but you are welcome to come along for the ride.' Should you have to sacrifice any of your dreams/goals to be with someone you love? Just to add, I m incredibly independent, largely out of necessity, but also because I don't like to feel beholden to anyone or accept help. I regret so much that I gave up in my LTR so maybe I'm just scared. Any advise/experiences would be most welcome and thanks in advance for reading if you have got this far without falling asleep :)

Would he be happy to join you on your travels, share your hobbies, get on with your friends? If so, then maybe reconsider letting him have another chance. :)

Jealous in the past? That is a red flag. Your instincts are probably telling you something! :)

No I don't think you should have to sacrifice anything - goals, dreams, parts of your personality - there will be someone out there who is compatible with all of that.

Of course it might be that a particular goal or dream doesn't happen because of a relationship, as with any life choice, but if it's a conscious decision to give these things up at an early stage of the relationship? No no no. Run.

Thanks for the swift reply. We have a lot a common interests which is part of the reason why we get on so well, I think. I earn more than him so have more in the way of disposable income to fund my mini adventures. I have friends in all corners of the UK and the world and have the child free time to get away regularly so things can be a bit of an issue - he is very much of the view that I shouldn't pay for us to do anything if he can't pay his way, which I see as very old fashioned. He is a very hands on dad which I admire, but feels guilty about spending the day with me and my family if his own children are not there. Should it really be this complicated? :o

Thanks for giving me a different view Bertie. I think I am just worried because I have been there, done that and resent the choices I made in the past that I don't want to make the same mistakes now that I am 17 years down the line. The jealousy thing is a big deal for me, I rolled over last time - stopped going out, lost touch with all my friends etc so am determined never to make that mistake again. i just worry that maybe its me setting unrealistic expectations to sabotage things, if that makes sense? For what is worth, my friends say I am very stubborn and inflexible.

"Should it really be this complicated?"

It sounds as though it's more complicated, for you, than it is worth. And that's okay. You don't have to settle for this relationship just because there are good parts of it. Even if it's totally wonderful, if you're not sure, take a step back - in any relationship (but about 100x more when children are involved) it's really important to feel secure I think and not have doubts before you move to the next stage. You are definitely not setting unrealistic expectations for a decent relationship. Maybe unrealistic for a substandard one

I'm going to copy and paste something I just said to a friend on msn, if that's okay? Sorry if it comes across a bit garbled on here.

best advice though which is kind of a mishmash of stuff i've been told/read on mumsnet/figured out - she needs to reconnect with who she really is and get into the mindset that being single is awesome and you can have all this freedom and do XYZ which she couldn't do with her ex, and then if someone comes along who she likes, they will (firstly) have to be pretty damn special to be considered,
thinking about all the awesome singleness priveliges, and (then) if they are really right for you then you won't have to give any of that stuff up anyway because they will be a good fit for you. Like someone was saying on the single parent thread the other day "I'm really glad I'm not dating because I got really fed up of having to text them every time I went out or came in etc"
and I was like - well not everyone is obsessive about being in constant contact. Also there are pretty much as many people as there are people, so whatever your "thing" is that is always incompatible with relationships, someone else out there will have the same "thing" or not mind it or whatever.

My hobbies, friendships, ambitions etc are tiny pieces of a puzzle that make me me. Sacrificing any of that as a conscious decision early on like Bertie referred to would be going against what helps to form me as a person.

Thank you ladies, the advice is spot on! I actually have a list of things I want to do, places I want to see etc and part of me was thinking that I should go do them, and then settle down with him as I thought I maybe just needed to get things out of my system, make up for things I had missed out on/sacrificed but its unrealistic to expect anyone to wait for me to make up my mind about when the time is right for me. But yes, those things make you who you are and who knows who I may meet along the way....

It sounds as if you're in a really good place right now and I think you'd be better off as you are- you sound happy and relishing exploring what you want and enjoy. That is a fantastic thing! You say that you regret giving up on your ltr, but it sounds like it wasn't giving up at all. You gave it your best shot and realised it wasn't working- it takes a lot of strength to end a relationship when you realise it isn't going to work long term. Especially when it there are many good things about it at present. And now you've found many others things that you like to do and don't want to give them up- that isn't self-sabotage or selfishness, it's realising that going back into this relationship would involve compromise that you're not entirely happy about. Don't think about whether you should be giving things up, but whether you really want to. Love is a wonderful thing, but these things that you've found found some fantastic things too and have a good balance going on. It's not wrong to want to keep them and enjoy yourself and be happy with life the way it is.

Maybe put aside thoughts of a serious relationship for a while and go ahead and live your plans, and see where life takes you. Could be exciting.

Thanks for the wise words PJF. You are right, I don't want to feel as though I am compromising, and to be honest I have realised that I quite like my life as it is ie not having anyone else to have to take into consideration other than myself and my 3DCs. I suppose I feel as though I have been given another chance at life almost and I am determined to make the most of it and see the end of one thing as the beginning of something else. Heres to the exciting times ahead

You have come to the right conclusion for you. He doesn't sound like quite the right 'fit' for you, and your situation at the present time.