Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and need a bit of advice ..... I have 3 DCs 12,12,8yrs. I was married to their father for 5 years but we divorced just after the youngest was born due to his alcoholism, violant behaviour and emotional abuse. When he drank he became a voilent abusive, nasty bully, when he was sober he was a loving husband and father, during the separation he suffered a breakdown and (I think) remains a manic depressive, he is on heavy medication. But he but did manage to give up drinking and has been sober for almost 8 years. We now have an amicable relationship, the children see him, he is a loving father but is unable to function in the real world ie. doesn't work, has very little money etc I often feel like he is my 4th child. I don't rely on him for anything as he is incapable of providing any financial support, child care, help with school work etc BUT he is a very loving father and the children adore him. I have recently found out that he has been drinking for the last year which I was very shocked by. I am very sad and disappointed for him because the only 2 things he had were his children and his sobriety, he always used to say if he picked up a drink it would be the end of everything for him. Am also angry that he has tricked me for the last year. The children haven't mentioned it so he may not have drunk when they were there. However, he says he now sees no problem with this, he says he has it under control and he is a different person now. I know the violent bully he can be when he is drunk, I have seen it many times and I would never ever want my children to see it, the oldest has some recollection from when he was small, it is frightening, soul destroying has a profound damaging, long lasting effect. So as far as I am concerned DCs can not stay with him anymore on the weekends (he never had them all together as he couldn't cope, would have one at a time) I can not risk his drinking spiralling out of control even though he says this will never happen. When I told him this he exploded, said I had wrecked his life, i am trying to ruin his relationship with kids, i was the biggest mistake, how dare i come between him and them, I am ridulously over reacting etc etc and put the phone down. I tried to explain that I wanted him to maintain a relationship with them as they adore him, that I was having to do this for their safety and welfare and that it was a consequence of him drinking again NOT me just interfering. Middle DC is due to go to him this weekend and he says he will pick him up as arranged this evening and refuses to bring him back until sunday. I am saying he can not go tonioght but is wlecome to pick him up for the day tomorrow.
So 2 things 1) do you think I am right to insist on this and 2) can i actually enforce the no overnights? He is now behaving aggressively and threatening me, blaming all his troubles and failures on me and refusing to acknowledge the problem. Back to the old days ..... Sorry for the ramble but would really appreciate your feedback.