Ailing but nasty parents - what do I do?

[Victorianunvictorious]

Five years ago Dad tried to disinherit me ? he pushed Mum for months not to leave me anything in my parents? will. (They?re making joint, or mirror wills.) He didn?t get away with it because their house is in both parents? name, but my parents have left me nothing but a tiny income from half their assets, which they have put in trust for my brother?s kids. Half is going outright to my brother. I?m not supposed to know about this ? when I asked them what was going on they said ?Its our money to do as we like? and ?That subject?s closed?. They think I?m irresponsible with money, which is ironic as I?m the only self-supporting one in the family, although I do love a posh handbag.

At the time, because he was acting a bit odd and pissed, I thought Dad was going senile and was I very nice about the whole affair. When he was recently ill with a gut infection I lost large wodges of salary taking unpaid time off work at the bedside, etc etc.

But I can?t help noticing five years on he hasn?t got many of the other symptoms you?d expect with dementia. Even now he?s only 74, which is a bit young for those illnesses.

I love my parents, but I have no intention of acting the dutiful daughter to a couple who?ve consciously disinherited me. And the time is nigh to start looking after them. So what do I do?

They have assets, they can look after themselves. What's your brother proposing to do vis a vis their care?

Are you saying that if they were leaving you more money that you would be happier looking after them?

Or are you unwilling to look after them because they are not nice people? Are there any examples of their "not niceness" other than spending their money as they wish?

Well, but if they have disinherited her there's obviously a much larger issue about how they feel about their daughter!

I think there is a lot more background here and without knowing it, it's hard to say how the situation should be handled.

They can spend their money as they wish, but so can you spend your time as you wish. And taking time and money to care for people who obviously think less of you than they do your brother (e.g. the rather insulting opinion they hold on your ability to manage money) would not be top of my priority list.

It could also be argued that it's much fairer all round for any burden to fall on your brother, since as it will almost certainly involve money spent, he's the one who is in a position to be recompensed for this.

But more than anything, it's not the fact that they've left their money as they have, as the way it's done that would have me washing my hands. It's one thing to leave it all to the donkey sanctuary, quite another to make a fairly complex will which very obviously favours one child, and that child's children, above another. How spiteful, how controlling.

Tell them that the way the will has been handled has shown you quite clearly that they prefer your brother and his family, therefore you will presume that they would much rather in future have his company at the bedside, him rushing over at midnight if one of them has a fall etc. And stick to it. Go and visit on your terms, but don't feel that you owe them anything at all. Because they clearly don't feel the same sense of any familial responsibility towards you. And next time there's an emergency, be unavailable.

What Shouty said.

Would you let "friends" treat you this way?

Thanks all. The real issue is that my parents have treated me badly. They have failed ot treat me as their daughter, so I can hardly be expected to drop everything to treat them as parents.

Porkchopster - it's not a matter of pounds shillings and pence, this issue is about respect, family ties, and, tho my heart cracks to say it, love.

My parents seem to have zero estimation of me and my capabilities when it comes to getting any family benefits, but are pretty quick off the mark to ask me to use those capabilities to do them favours - looking after them/their house/animals, doing their cooking, and so on.

How do I take this forward? Shuld I talk to my brother and, effectively, resign?

I second what Shouty said. You would also not let friends treat you in such a cavalier and disregarding manner.

Your father sounds like a toxic parent, infact both he and your mother sound toxic. How awful of him to do what he has done. You may well be their daughter but you are completely under no obligation whatsoever to look after them in their old age.

Many children of toxic parents often have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. Is this how you feel with regards to them as well.

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point and also consider receiving counselling for your own self regarding your relationship with your parents.

Make yourself less available to these people; if they require home help then I would tell them to contact Social Services.

It is NOT your fault they are this way; their own parents likely made them like that.

Was wondering what the relationship between your brother and them is like.

Attila - yes, yes, thrice yes. The guilt is uppermost. But I do know I need to get over that - how?

I really want to get this resolved so I can forget it and move on. I was properly hurt by their behaviour - and rather revolted by my father's part in it. The awful thing is that I am still very hurt - and I want it to stop.

How do you get over the guilt?

You put yourself first and not them - it will not contribute to your sense of self worth if you continue to let them abuse you.

YOU deserve more and you need to keep telling yourself that.

Counselling solely for your own self regarding the relationship with your parents may be helpful as is reading "Toxic Parents". BACP have a list of counsellors and they won't charge the earth. Counsellors however, are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with you.

You may also want to post on the "we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these very pages.

You probably at heart still want their approval and seek it out. It is okay not to want to seek that any more. They have seemingly treated you as the scapegoat for all their ills.

Was wondering if your brother is actually playing out the role of "golden child" in this familial dysfunction.

If you want to resolve the relationship with your parents you need to realise that this is a two way process which I doubt your parents actually want any part of. Your parents will not apologise for their behaviour nor even take any real responsibility for their actions; such inherently emotionally damaged people do not.

I must reiterate that you did not make them this way, their own family backgrounds have contributed to their sorry emotional state.

Your second bit of your last post says it all. Yes, it's about love.

How do you take it forward? - entirely up to you. What will make you feel more at peace? You could indeed 'resign' - even writing a letter to both your parents and brother if you feel you want to make it entirely unambiguous and 'official'. How will that make you feel, though? You're the important one here. How will they react? If their response will be to ridicule you, make out that you are being unreasonable, going mad, 'we always knew you were the irrational one', a more subtle (but still definitive) approach might suit you better.

'My parents seem to have zero estimation of me and my capabilities when it comes to getting any family benefits, but are pretty quick off the mark to ask me to use those capabilities to do them favours - looking after them/their house/animals, doing their cooking, and so on.'

I'd lessen contact so the level of it suits me. Then, next time a request of the type given above is forthcoming, respond with a puzzled laugh. Ask why. Why do you want me to look after the house and not DB? Their response will also be one of puzzlement that you are asking. Then you say, 'Well, it's just that as you think so little of my capabilities as an adult that you've effectively cut me out of your will, it seems odd that you'd entrust your house/dog/driving you to the hospital with little old rubbish me. In fact, I really don't think I'd be comfortable doing it. I may be the only one of the two of us who actually supports themselves (yes, have you noticed?!) but seeing as you don't trust my judgement, I think it's better you ask the child you do trust. And put the phone down/end the email, whatever.

That might be a far more effective way of starting to get your point across, without seeming to be 'hysterical'. And it also gets you out of doing anything for them - which is the important thing, I think. As said above, they can leave their money as they like, but they can't expect you to spend time and money on caring for them in return. And let me guess, might it be the case that dear responsible wonderful brother would actually be far less likely to want to help them out/would be less use in caring for the pets/would be more likely to let them down? Funny how that so often seems to be the case where one sibling is favoured over the other... If that's the way of it - they've made their choice on who to favour - let them revel in it!

Again I would wholly endorse what Shouty has written here.

Just to add that you don't already have it, install called ID on your landline phone. You don't have to read any e-mails they may send, same with any written correspondence.

An elderly personwho starts acting odd, can have their behaviour effected by infections, when the infections (or whatever) is cleared up or managed then they return to a more able state. Not all odd behaviour is dementia and behaviour can plateau anyway.
I guess what i'm saying is ,dont look for mrntal decline where it may not be.
Address the relationship, get your head around what the right thing to do is. Finantially you may need to get advice, this may help you as well to put things into perspective.
Have your parents always favoured one sibling above another?
Do you have xchildren, and what is relationship to their gp's?

You have my sympathy, op. My parents have done something very similar and made a special trip to visit me to let me know after they'd been to see their solicitor to change their wills. I agree, it's their money and they can dispose of it as they wish. However, it's also very hurtful and I can only think that they visited to tell me just so that they could see my reaction, bearing in mind they won't be able to do so after they've died. This is why I've never asked why they disinherited me I don't want them to see the hurt that's intended.

Recently dparents have both become increasingly frail and are needing more and more help. I find it difficult seeing as they've gone out of their way to hurt me so much. Now they are expecting me to visit and to a certain extent to look after them. I do what I want to do and in some cases what I think I should do, I will have to live with it in any case.

I don't know how helpful this is but I wanted you to know that you aren't the only one. Historically, I was always the family scapegoat, are you?

If they think so little of you, why would they want you to care for them-let your brother.

I don´t think that you need to "talk" to anyone.

When they ask for something, say it´s not convenient, & they need to contact your brother.

thefatishistory (btw wish that could be my username) I really think you need to find out though, don't you? They sound incredibly cruel but isn't it going to eat away at you, not knowing?

Oh thefat, thank you thank you for that lovely post. I have felt so isolated and I am cheered (well, not glad, but you know what I mean) that someone else - with such a fine and upstanding username - is battling the same trouble.

I really don't want to know why my parents did this - my suspicions are bad enough, and I don't want them to say out loud what I dread hearing. I'm not sure the relationship would recover. Is it the same for you?

I think I am the family scapegoat. My brother is the favourite. I have resisted this conclusion because I'm naturally sceptical of self-help books and their neat patterns, but the unavoidable fact remains that parents tick several boxes on the Toxic Checklist and my feelings are cookie-cutter standard for the scapegoat role.

V You are not isolated at all. I have a controlling, egotistical father that is highly critical. It made me into someone constantly trying to achieve and please, with low self esteem. The guilt too I have felt when I haven't been there for him. I've at last broken free of this and seen it for what it is. Counselling has really helped and for the first time in my life I have in the last 6 months taken control of my life and stood up to him. I never forget at my stepmother's funeral, as we walked down the church aisle I took his arm to comfort him and he pushed me away and grabbed my younger half sister's arm. And yes i was the one that had been there helping her and him whilst younger sister stayed away. Release the guilt, you have a wonerful life ahead to enjoy and you dont need their money to enjoy it.

You need to tell your brother that you are taking a step back from the care of your parents, and that he needs to step up to the mark. Tell your parents that they have the wherewithall to buy help and that is what they should do, you cannot act like a daughter when they have disinherited you and turned their nose up at you.

It's time to move on with YOUR life now.

It seems that you are good enough when it suits them! It is not fairly balanced.

They could live for another 15/20 years. If you look after them for this time you are giving up everything. Why should you give up large wodges (is that the spelling?) of your time/emotional well being and money to look after people who think you are crap and are leaving all their money to someone else and have no respect for you.

When they die your brother will have their money to make up for any loss of earnings.

Let him do it.

If asked. Tell them bluntly all the reasons above without blinking. Do not let yourself be treated as a second class person with no rights by these people any longer.