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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH keeping a secret from me...am I over-reacting??

7 replies

teamtwilight · 20/05/2011 09:27

Hi, I am new on here, I have just had a baby and am a little emotional so go easy on me!

Ok, my dh works away during the week and comes home at weekends. He called me a couple of nights ago, everything was ok, said our usual goodnights etc and then he obviously thought he had put the phone down as I overheard him say to his work coleaugue 'I am just going to buy some fags'.

He has been smoking whilst away behind my back and I feel really hurt by this. Firstly he knows how much I hate it. Secondly to start smoking again a week before my baby was due is just plain old irresponsible in my book. And thirdly we just don't have the money to spend on what i think is a luxury.

I know that you are probably thinking this is just a minor issue compared to some of the other threads I have read and I almost feel bad for even writing this but we have always been honest with each other. I thought we could rationally talk about anything.

I have supported him numerous times when quitting and he even had patches with him and I think it is selfish of him just to give in and start smoking again when I have sacrificed any luxuries as we are financially struggling.

I confronted him last night on the phone and he admitted it straight away. He said he was really sorry and kept it from me because he knew how disappointed I would be. But I can't help feeling that if he lies about this what else is he prepared to lie about......am I over reacting???

OP posts:
stickytoffeepud · 20/05/2011 09:35

he is an adult, its his choice

deemented · 20/05/2011 09:37

I think you are a little bit sorry. He's an adult, and he's doing it when he's not at home.

Checkmate · 20/05/2011 09:42

This would irritate/upset me too. The thought of him coming home with smoke on his clothes and breath and cuddling the baby would be upsetting, as would spending so much money when things are tight, and, mostly, the thought of what it is doing to his health.

Unfortunately all you can do, since its an addiction, is be there for him ready when he's going to try giving up again. But you can also have things in place to make sure it impacts you and your child minimally; he never smokes in house, always washes his hands, brushes his teeth and changes his clothes when he comes home and has been smoking, does his own laundry, and has a set budget for cigarettes so that he can keep count of how much its costing him and hopefully be shocked into trying to give up again.

teamtwilight · 20/05/2011 09:43

Ok, Obvioulsy I am over reacting then!
Probably because of hormones etc and midwives telling me that father smoking whether around baby or not increases cot death.
Just wonder how long it will be before he has baby on one arm and fag in another.

OP posts:
teamtwilight · 20/05/2011 09:45

Than you checkmate. That's good advice.

OP posts:
TeddyMcardle · 20/05/2011 09:49

Just wonder how long it will be before he has baby on one arm and fag in another.
You really are over reacting and being a bit silly now!
Talk to him calmly about it without accusing him of trying to kill your baby and see if he's going to quit again. It is an addiction, it's not as simple as you seem to think it is and he's probably stressed.
Hope he quits again for you.

ShoutyHamster · 20/05/2011 09:54

The smoking is his choice.

But... I can see exactly where you are coming from on the 'little white lies' - and I would have a talk with him and try and nip this in the bud pronto.

The key is in your last sentence - 'if he lies about this what else is he prepared to lie about?'

Lies are lies. I don't mean about birthday parties and keeping someone else's confidences etc. - let's be honest, he lied because he didn't want you to know/be angry/pull him up on all the very valid reasons why (I presume) you jointly agreed that stopping smoking was a really good thing for him to do. So he lied so he could carry on doing what he wanted to do. It's weak and dishonest, not kind and considerate! - and it undermines relationships.

So you could sit down with him and say, right, it is ultimately your choice to smoke. It's also ultimately your choice to lie to me about it, and anything else. But be warned. If you get into the habit of using little white lies to be able to do what you want to do, then before long the trust is going to disappear from our marriage. What will probably take its place is resentment, snide remarks, lack of respect. Is that what you want? Because if it's not, then a far better way to do things you want to do, like carry on smoking, is to come to me and say so, and be prepared to discuss it and defend it, rather than go behind my back like a coward. And that applies to everything, not just smoking.

But it cuts both ways. So if, for example, you have laid down the law about smoking and guilted him into stopping, then you can reasonably expect that this is the approach he's going to take for a quiet life. As in, if he knows that when he approaches you to say 'I'm sorry, I'm not ready to quit smoking', you will react with hysteria/threats etc., then it's unlikely that he's going to want to be honest with you. However, if you are prepared to say 'Well I'm disappointed and unhappy but it is your decision', then you've got a better chance of doing away with the white lies. And that also applies to everything.

It's worth having that discussion.

The one sticking point with this particular issue is the money, though. That's joint, and you have a baby on the way, and smoking is one of the worst, least defensible, most selfish ways to waste it away from the family. But you need to talk about that, and be prepared to offer strong support in him giving up.

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