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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If one of your in laws transgresses but still with your sibling how do you treat them?

12 replies

Bumperlicioso · 19/05/2011 19:40

Kind of hypothetical, kind of not. If your brother or sister in law does something to (emotionally) hurt your sibling how do you treat them? Do you hold a grudge on your sibling's behalf or act like nothing has happened as it is nothing to do with anyone else?

For instance, my closest friend and I have an unwritten rule that we don't judge each other's DHs based on what we tell each other, but that is because we both know there are usually two sides to every story and our dh's good points far far outweigh their bad points.

However my sis has just found out that her dh has a 'love child' who is 5 years old, was born just before they got together (from a one-night stand or something). BIL didn't know, though he did find out a year ago. My sis found out a month ago when they received a letter demanding 5 year's worth of maintainence and the woman and child turned up on their doorstep.

Now BIL didn't know, wasn't going out with my sister at the time. But he did hide it for nearly a year, probably to protect my sis who was pg at the time, but has also told other lies to cover up how long he had known.

Hopefully they will get through it but I don't know what to say to him. We are not close to them at all, see each other once or twice a year as they are overseas. My mum has had words with BIL but it's not my place to is it?

OP posts:
NerfHerder · 19/05/2011 20:02

Well- that's a little unfair!
He didn't know a child had been conceivd, and it was from before his relationship with you sister...

I dunno- if it was DV I wouldn't forgive them, even if sibling did I don't think.

Original poster
Bumperlicioso · 19/05/2011 20:06

What's a little unfair?

OP posts:
gapants · 19/05/2011 20:08

Nope not your place!

In this situation, and with most situations with family, I would hope that I was on the end of the phone to offer support and advice and try and be objective.

Have you spoken to your sister? Sounds like she might need a friendly ear, might be an opportunity to get a bit closer?

AuraofDora · 19/05/2011 20:11

sounds liked he panicked when he should have spoke to her, your sister I mean

it's their business, and i think I would try to treat him the same as before, in public I mean, not to say you cant speak privately and support your sister through it all

what a shock for her, including him, granted he has had longer to get his head around it

Xales · 19/05/2011 20:14

Well it wasn't your mum's place and it certainly isn't your place to have 'words' with him.

Whatever happens is between him and your sister.

Maybe it was not right to lie over it to your sister however he hasn't exactly cheated on her and had a love child. He has probably had a lot of confusion and chaos and not known where to turn suddenly discovering he has a child. He needed to get his head around that for himself first before he did or said anything to your sister. There was a child he did not even know about for 4 years.

If she wanted the last 5 years maintenance she should have asked for it 5 years ago. He does have a duty to pay now if the child is his. He also has a duty to be there for the child as they are too young to make their own decision as to if they want him in their life.

Has he has DNA to confirm the child is his?

Original poster
Bumperlicioso · 19/05/2011 21:37

Well, I think my mum just felt protective of my sister. MILs have interferred over far less things by mumsnet accounts.

The DNA test was one of the things he lied about, and the original letter (which was in another language that my sister doesn't speak) he said was about a fight or something.

But on the whole I agree, the worst thing he has done is lie and try to cover his arse, not the child thing. Spent an hour on Skype to my sister and said basically the same thing and that she really needs to think about the poor child who by all accounts doesn't have a happy home life. But my sister has recently had her first child and obviously my loyalty and concern are mainly for her.

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 19/05/2011 21:41

My father hid the fact he had another child for 33 years from my mother, so 5 years is nothing. Must have been a shock to him and didn't know how to approach your sister.

gapants · 20/05/2011 09:49

So there was a DNA test done that he consented to and proved the child was his? Sorry not clear from your post Confused

Glad you spoke to your sister, very difficult time for them all, as mush as you can try and be impartial. You have a new niece to get to know!

livinginazoo · 20/05/2011 14:07

This is absolutely nothing to do with you or your mother, but entirely between your sister and her husband and something they need to work through on their own. All you should do is listen to your sister and provide neutral support.

Original poster
Bumperlicioso · 20/05/2011 14:26

There was a DNA test done but BIL originally said he hadn't consented, but he had.

I won't say anything to him myself, I'm not close enough to them. But I disagree about my mum. My mum treats her sons in law like her own sons, they become part of the family, and just as my mum would probably have words with me if I was being a twat to dh I wouldnt have a problem with her having words with him. But then I guess I am used to having a mother like it so I see it as normal family behaviour.

Hypothetically though (this case is differently as it is not BIL's fault, the worst thing he did is lie), but say your BIL or SIL had an affair or something how would you react?

OP posts:
gapants · 20/05/2011 16:45

I have a large and complicated family op with a brother and SIL who have fallen in and out with me and my parents dramatically over the years. We have been in full on not talking mode for 2 years once, then they with my parents for just less than 2 years.

The first time I was 17 when it happened, and I just did what my parents did, and didn't really think it through. I felt I had to be loyal to my mum.

The second time, I worked it out with my SIL and brother (they never really had a problem with me) and then worked on the phone with them and my parents to get them back talking. The second time I was 30, and very much felt that I needed to help them work it out.

I am not saying it is hard, but just be careful not to share your opinions now as they may come back and bite you in the arse later. Diplomacy and Impartiality is key, and to be frank despite what you know you will never know the full story. There is a wee girl involved in all of this, maintain that thought would be my advice.

azazello · 20/05/2011 21:12

My SIL has had two affairs and walked out on my DB both times, leaving him with their DCs with no notice. While they are separated, I support him entirely and avoid her. When they get back together, it is his decision and no longer any of my business even though I think this is appalling. If he is prepared to live with it, I should help him do so. I therefore wouldn't tell your BIL off, but would make my support for my sister very clear in your position...

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