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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I an over-reactive old cow?

18 replies

MrsFogi · 11/11/2005 11:54

Dh has just told me he's been invited to a party by one of the girls at his work and that he'd like to go to it. Basically, the party will be at some bar/club in Soho and the average age will be 25. Dh says I could come if I wanted to however he knows I won't want to as some boozy party standing up in a bar is really not my idea of a good evening out (dh and I are 32 and I am 8 mths pg).
My view is that we are a married couple in our 30s expecting a child and that it is not normal for dh to be going off to parties on his own - any views?

OP posts:
colditz · 11/11/2005 11:56

I think you should let him go if he wants to, and insist that he takes you somewhere nice tomorrow.

It is perfectly normal for one half of a couple yo go out on their own, and becomes even more normal when the child arrives, IME

KBear · 11/11/2005 11:58

DH and I often go out separately, I wouldn't mind at all. Do something nice together at the weekend.

northerner · 11/11/2005 11:59

Yes - miserable old fogi.

He should go.

KBear · 11/11/2005 12:00

And you're not an old cow - just maybe you're feeling a bit left out because you're pg and couldn't go even if you wanted to. Let's face it it would be no fun for you would it.

Make the most of an evening without him - invite a couple of friends over for a chat and a take-away.

He's not after the 25 year olds - he's got you!

JonesTheSteam · 11/11/2005 12:03

DH and I hardly ever go out together.

I usually go out with a group of friends, and I'm out twice a week anyway with orchestra rehearsals.

DH usually goes out with his work mates. When he does go out, he's normally out nearly all day, as they seem to get a lot of tickets for rugby and football internationals.

WigWamBam · 11/11/2005 12:03

It wouldn't bother me, dh going to a party wouldn't be a big deal. Although that said, I know that if it did bother me then dh wouldn't go.

Would you be happy enough to let him go if the pair of you went out another night and did something that you want to do?

weesaidie · 11/11/2005 12:07

It wouldn't bother me. In fact I like to go out (when I have had a man!!) both separately and together. I am in my 20s I admit but I know a number of couple of various ages who would go out separately and be ok with it.

However it is you we are talking about and if you really aren't happen about it I think you need to talk to your man about why and see what he says...

weesaidie · 11/11/2005 12:08

happy not happen!

Gobbledigook · 11/11/2005 12:19

I'd let him go - dh goes out with work and I stay home and sometimes I go out with my friends and he stays (we have 3 under 5's) and in our early 30's - if that matters!

QueenVictoria · 11/11/2005 12:23

Nah, let him go..... there's no age limit on having a good time! And its a one off i gather so even more reason - he probably wont have much time to go out after baby is born

PiccadillyCircus · 11/11/2005 12:25

I can understand how you feel but also agree that he should go if he wants to.

miniminx · 11/11/2005 12:36

I think it can be difficult to feel secure when you are heavily pregnant.

Whether you feel comfortable with him going to a party without you may have a lot to do with whether your dh is being supportive and attentive to you the rest of the time.

I had ante-natal depression and some of the root of this seemed to be that I felt jealous that the rest of the world, including my husband, was having a ball and I was left out, whilst people scrutinised what I ate and drank and felt at liberty to give me advice and criticism.

Do you feel like this? Feel free to tell me where to get off - it may be wide of the mark, but just a thought.

Anyway, on the question of whether he should go - I know in your position, I'd have prefered him to not want to go. However, you can make him think you're great by letting him go and not complaining. As someone else said, can you invite friends round for that evening? And can you plan something together, like the cinema, or a lovely meal for another night?

If you seriously mind and think that you will resent him if he goes, tell him and explain how you're feeling. Suppressing resentment causes problems later

MrsFogi · 11/11/2005 12:58

Gosh, I'm so glad I asked you - everyone says let him go so clearly I am over-reactive (not to mention an old cow). I'll let him go and won't say a word - I'm sure he won't know what's hit him that he won't have to discuss the reasonableness of this one! I won't bargain on going out another night as we go out a fair bit anyway (not to mention how he didn't even bat an eyelid when dragged to the ballet, theatre and flamenco over the last month). I'll be asking mners in the future as I'm now slightly worried that I'm an old bag to my long-suffering dh a bit too often.

OP posts:
Lio · 11/11/2005 13:12

Hello MrsFogi, I would also let DH go but would think it perfectly reasonable to talk to him to say I was irrationally upset about my decision - am lucky in that DH knows I am old cow and still loves me and is never mean when I am upset about old cow-ness. Talk to him (your DH, not mine ).

MrsFogi · 11/11/2005 13:29

Good point Lio - I think he's going to worry I'm going funny in the head as normally I am an old cow. Like you I have a wonderful dh who is never the male equivalent of an old-cow to me.

OP posts:
cod · 11/11/2005 13:30

Message withdrawn

hettie · 11/11/2005 13:47

Sorry, I don?t get it. I think it?s very healthy to go out without your other half sometimes. In fact I?d be a bit worried about someone who never went out on their own. As someone pointed out, going out at all is going to be harder when you have the baby?.. I also think it?s fine to enjoy busy soho bars at 32 (I do!). Are parents (or parents to be) supposed to act differently/develop a hatred of bars? Or are bars only for the under 30?s? Could understand if he was doing this all the time and leaving you pregnant and stuck at home, but you don?t seem to be saying that.

compo · 11/11/2005 14:21

I'm going off on a girly night out to a club in Soho next Saturday night. I'm staying in a hotel afterwards. Dh is fine about it cos i let him go away on boys only weekends. Do you ever go out on girly nights out?

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