Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this relationship over?

13 replies

LessonsinL · 19/05/2011 16:27

Have also posted in AIBU, but was recommended to post here :)

DP has told me that he is unhappy in the relationship, and isn't sure that it's what he wants. He does suffer from depression but I suspected that he hadn't been happy in a while. I accepted this and made sure I cleared out all my stuff from his home before I left.

Bit more details: in our discussion, he mentioned that he didn't like my social skills around his friends or family, and said that he wanted to be with someone who didn't have to make an extra effort, but was rather more socially adept. He also said that I have too much anger in me, and that's something he can't deal with.

He said that he doesn't want to "break up" (hate that term) but that it's a possibility for him. He also said that he still "cared for me very much" Since then, he's called twice today (didn't pick up) and sent me a loving goodnight text message, which I also didn't respond to. I don't really know what he wants but am finishing off my final dissertation and TBH, what he's got to say isn't the most important thing on my mind right now.

Am I being unreasonable in assuming that this relationship is over? Or have I jumped the gun slightly? Outside perspectives are welcome!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 17:39

in our discussion, he mentioned that he didn't like my social skills around his friends or family

how rude! surely you dont sit there picking your nose or farting in front of them.... so what does he consider are your faults?

If I were you, I wouldnt "assume" the relationship was over, I would be very clear and end it myself.

You dont live together, and you dont mention children, so no ties to keep you together.

I cant see that this relationship has any more mileage in it to be honest, and it sounds like he is too much of a coward to end it, so make him happy, and save him the prolonged fucking around.

clam · 19/05/2011 17:44

Sorry, but my gut reaction is that he's "just not that into you."
Don't see what you can do about it, to be honest.

NotADudeExactly · 19/05/2011 17:52

What squeakytoy said re. the social skills. This makes me feel really angry on your behalf! Angry

For some comparison/perspective: My PIL are a piece of work and at times very tough for me to stomach, which means that without having to make not an extra but an enormous effort we'd probably be at each other's throats for however long we're forced to be in the same room. My DH knows this and he a) appreciates my restraint enormously and b) comes to my rescue every time the going gets tough (e.g. MIL mentioning my "inappropriate" clothing yet again). I would accept no less from him.

He sounds as though he's trying to string you along, TBH. Sorry, but the "possibility" of breaking up while not wanting to in combination with the "caring very much" sounds very much like "I'd like to keep you on stand-by in case I kind of need a girlfriend" to me. Which is frankly very, very disrespectful!

Do you have kids? Sounds as though you don't live together?

boxingHelena · 19/05/2011 18:03

all the best for your dissertation !
once over you will have 2 good reasons to celebrate, the end of your MA and the good riddance of this to**er Smile

AnyFucker · 19/05/2011 18:05

he is doing this crap push/pull thing isn't he ?

you assumed he wanted the relationship over, so you wisely took him at his word and busied yourself with something else more pressing

he didn't like that though, did he ?

you weren't sobbing and snotting and stroking his fragile ego by begging him to reconsider

so he now wants to get you back where he wants you

now you do the final push and tell him you will not be dicked about like this, and because he clearly thinks you aren't good enough for him, he should fuck off and find some poor sap who is

Original poster
LessonsinL · 19/05/2011 18:22

Yes, no DCs and we don't live together. Re: the social skills, at the start of our relationship he didn't invite me out to various gatherings because he assumed that I wouldn't want to go. This changed when I asked why he didn't invite me along to the pub with his friends - then in the conversation the other night he said he was unhappy with me asking when we would be leaving (he assumed that indicated that I was having a bad time, rather than it being 12:00am and possibly being a bit tired!). He also said that he didn't want it to be an effort for me to visit his various family members, when I often go and at very short notice. Bearing in mind that he rarely spends any time with my family or at my home.

He's also invited mates to his house when I'm there and sat downstairs watching television with them, or playing xbox games loudly till 1am when I'd like to go to sleep because I have work the next day. Apparently he's inviting them round so that I can be involved (yes, because I enjoy FIFA as much as the next girl Hmm )

Damn, doesn't look very good when it's all written down, does it?

OP posts:
TimeForMeIsFree · 19/05/2011 18:28

No it doesn't. This guy has no respect for you whatsoever so have some for yourself and dump him!

NotADudeExactly · 19/05/2011 18:38

[...] then in the conversation the other night he said he was unhappy with me asking when we would be leaving (he assumed that indicated that I was having a bad time, rather than it being 12:00am and possibly being a bit tired!).

So basically he's saying that it would make him unhappy if you weren't having a good time because you're bloody well supposed to when he says so? Correct me if I'm misunderstanding this, but it does sound very selfish of him.

He also said that he didn't want it to be an effort for me to visit his various family members, when I often go and at very short notice.

As in there should be no greater joy in your life than the in-laws and you should jump at the opportunity whenever it presents itself? Hmm

Depending on how good your relationship with PIL is, this might of course be the case. But what on earth is he expecting? That you should be grateful for being allowed to spend time with them? I somehow completely fail to get his point.

The x-box incident is again just selfish!

Not sure how you feel about this at the moment, how serious the two of you were, how long it lasted etc. but on the face of it I'd say good riddance!

Original poster
LessonsinL · 19/05/2011 19:00

Another update - he now wants to see me tomorrow for a birthday dinner, when I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday with someone who didn't want to be with me.

Is this gaslighting in its purest form?!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 19:05

Simple reply. "no thanks, already made other plans"

AnyFucker · 19/05/2011 19:07

yup...tell him to fuck off

who cares what it is...he has told who he is, listen to him

NotADudeExactly · 19/05/2011 19:08

Not sure whether this exactly corresponds to the of gaslighting. However, it does sound like an excellent example of olympic standard assholery!

Block his number and go celebrate your birthday with someone who is actually fun instead of this needy, controlling, self-centered tosser.

You sound nice - he just sounds like a complete idiot.

NotADudeExactly · 19/05/2011 19:09

Definition of gaslighting even.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page