vicious divorce - how to keep going?

[jayho]

I started divorce proceedings against soon to be exH late last year after realising that the relationship was abusive and I couldn't fix it - final straw - he took my wallet and internet connection and told me to ask for money /give him shopping lists - oh plus catching him umm 'using' photographs of a mutual friend.
Needless to say, he's not taken it very well. He's fighting every step of the way, not to be together but to make my life a misery. We've got two small children.
Anyway, it all feels a bit relentless, how do I keep my energy up and get through this?

Sorry you're going through this. I don't think that there is an easy answer, but if you can manage not to react to him then things should improve eventually - people behave like this to get a reaction and then feed off the energy of that reaction therefore no reaction ultimately means the bad behaviour stops. Alternatively is there somewhere else you can stay or do ou have a sufficiently tactful friend that could stay with you and hopefully diffuse things a little?

All divorces get vicious to some degree when one party doesn't want to be divorced. My suggestion to you would be to just answer any request factually and not emotionally. And withdraw all but essential contact. Literally don't speak unless you have to, to him or about him.

Also be realistic - it's likely to take you a year to get things sorted - sorry but it probably will. But you will get there.

The usual rules apply, don't badmouth him to your children, if he let's them down remind them he's sad and that it's not their fault but hopefully soon he'll be happier and be around for them because he does love them.

My sympathies. I had an uncontested divorce, even so ex-dh got fairly mendacious at times.

The more horrible he is, the more urgent it becomes to get the bugger out of your life. Let his very meanness be a spur. You can't let someone that nasty win, can you? Anyway, it's not as if he'll suddenly start being nice to you (for more than about five minutes) if you do give in for a quiet life, because he wasn't nice before you started divorce proceedings - else you wouldn't have started them in the first place! He may try, in between bouts, try to claim he has learned his lesson, but you know better than that. Just expect the worst and you won't be disappointed, whilst keeping your solicitor working his/her guts out to hurry things along.

I actually found it harder to cope with when XH was being nice; I began to wonder whether I was doing the right thing. Then he'd throw another wobbly out of the blue and I'd be almost relieved.

You think of the future, the freedom you will have once he is out of your life officially.

He sounds an absolute beast. You are well rid of him.

I'm in your same situation too jayho (abusive husband refusing to be divorced because he "loves me", yet throwing every legal and financial hurdle he can my way, along with harassment). It sucks. And it's going to continue to suck until it's over, in what is going to be a looooong process.

The things I do to stay sane are:

• Try to remember that he cannot change, is acting to type, and letting myself become anxious or angry at his behaviour only hurts me more.
• When I do feel anxious or angry, try to take a step back and observe those feelings rather than get caught up in them.
• Doing psychotherapy and taking anti-depressants.
• Trusting my lawyer, and seeing her as a barrier between my h's bullshit and me.
• Trying to take hold of my life for myself by building new friendships (difficult as I have social anxiety which facilitated the abuse and means I feel as if I am fighting 2 battles instead of just the one)
• Playing with my puppy
• Reading books on buddhist practice. I am planning to do daily mindfulness exercises once I can set up a solid and doable daily routine.
• Sports -- a real mood lifter. I feel mentally stronger after each half-hour of swimming.

Yet even with all this, I feel shit and despairing most of the time. It's going to continue to be shit, it isn't fair, but someday it will be over.

Hi jayho. I'm also in a similar situation but am only separated in the last 3 months. H used to say to me "you can leave if you want but I'll make your life hell" and he is certainly doing that. He is perfectly nice to me at times, especially if I am upset etc but as soon as I behave in a way that he doesn't think is appropriate (i.e standing up to him) he turns nasty. You need to be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to help you cope. Plan things to look forward to, even if it's only dinner out with friends etc. Chin up - it has to get better.

thanks to all of you it really does help. He's moved out after accusing me of assault - a bit of a classic I think. He's now trying to get the kids despite showing no interest in them throughout the marriage. I have absolutely no money while he lives on a six figure salary, awaiting the outcomes of appeals and court dates to sort that. My solicitor is great and I know I will get to the end of it, just feels totally rubbish right now x

Coming to hi-jack your tread a bit jayho, as I've just returned from my second court hearing in my divorce proceedings, where stbxh's incredibly aggressive lawyer yet again asked for the proceedings to be postponed to next month (this is what happened at the first hearing as well). Oh, and it's my lawyer's fault, according to her. Funny how stbxh's lawyer is such a good projection of him.

So, nothing is decided re: mortgage, money, restraining order, during the separation. I feel pretty put out: I was in such a zen mood, calm and ready to accept whatever the judge decided, just as long as something was decided.

No dice.

Arrrgh. I was told by the abused women's advice service that abusive men continue to try to control you by dragging out proceedings, and goddammit they were right.

Yep, puppy, this happening to me too. He's failed to file his finance thingy, hearing on June 21 so expecting him to ask for adjournment. Making application for ancillary relief at that hearing so hopefully I'll get some money.

Also, his lawyer appears to have gone native, can't distinguish between the two of them.

Current favourite ploy is to send me an aggressive, threatening email at 3.30pm on a friday insisting on alterations to the next day's contact arrangement.

Stressed is not the word......

We'll get through this :)

May one suggest your solicitor writes to him to insist on 48 hours' notice of contact alterations? Or whatever the sol thinks is reasonable - less than 24 hours definitely isn't.

it makes me so cross that the legal system can't see through these abusive men and put a stop to them using the system to continue abusing their partners.

Be very, very careful what you email back. Some of my angry, responsive emails to my horrid ex got quoted and I sounded as bad as him. Keep all your responses to a maximum of two sentences (great advice from a seasoned lawyer) and totally unemotional.
"Dear STBXH, The arrangements have been made and cannot be changed. Best wishes, Jayho."
The more you respond angrily the better your DH feels because he has provoked a response. Do not debate him, leave all that to the lawyers. Also, he is stretching this out because it gives him power but it WILL end one day and you will be free of him.

Always sign off nicely and wish him a nice weekend. It will wind him up and make you look sweetly reasonable

Thanks for good ideas re contact. I am very careful to be positive and polite however, he will not talk to me directly, all through solicitors, which I suppose is a good thing.

Anyway, off to get sleep...... :(

Agree. The only person who gets exhausted if you get caught up in their debates is you!

Finally had my twice-postponed court hearing on the terms of separation this morning. Totally uneventful: both lawyers presented our respective positions. I got to hear all of stbxh's usual arguments blaming me for his actions, except now they were coming out of somebody else's mouth, with a few new blames thrown in for variety.

(to whit: his newly diagnosed depression is the cause of the "deterioration of our relations", and he was only depressed because of my career, so it's all my fault really. Oh, and btw Your Honour stbxh only remembers having had 4 fights in our 12 years together , so I'm clearly over-reacting in my request for a restraining order. And the very fact that I'm asking for one shows that I'm a foolish American who's watched too many TV shows. Seriously, his lawyer brought this up in her plea. She also threw in some victim-blaming along with the nationality denigration. Just like her client.)

Decision in 1 and a half months. Gotta love the speed of the legal process.

oh dear, I've been here too. I'm sorry to say it lasted a very, very long time. He died in the end - that stopped it .

Not sad he died, exactly, just glad it stopped the endless harrassment. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news OP but taking your wallet etc is a bad case imo - mine wasn't as bad as that (he was too clever to be that obvious) - but it was very bad. I lost count how many times he took me to court - though I won the last case. He was also very wealthy and left us in poverty.

You have had some brilliant advice. Someone told me when I was going through the first flush that it would take a lot longer than I thought. She actually laughed! I was incensed that she could be so heartless but tbh it stood me in good stead when things did drag out (understatement). If you know you're in for the long haul, you can prepare yourself better iyswim. Go away, regroup, come back resolute - keep doing that, go away anyhere you can as often as you can. Resolute means you do NOT - ever ever - let him know he has got to you. You keep communication as sparse as possible, perfunctory, not nice, not nasty: factual. Take out a restraining order to stop him harrassing you via email, text, turning up, whatever. He won't like it but he won't like anything apart from you being totally in his control. You left him without his permission - red rag.

Try to find a support group for victims of domestic abuse - this kept me going. We often cried with laughter at the ridiculous stuff these men do. Enrol on the Freedom Programme and keep doing it, going round and round (ie start it again if you like, ad infinitum). Yes, go on anti-depressants to shore you up for the forseeable (they saved my life, no question). Exercise, get those endorphins going. Basically, get in training to be fit. I even went to the gym (if you knew me....) but that was because I had an insane urge to run and run and run and punch and punch. Get as much support around you as possible, ditch anyone who dithers on the fence (you can't afford them in your life).

Don't take it - him or legal process - personally, don't reason with him (waste of breath), don't be taken in when he tries the softly, softly: he will never change. Lastly, against all perceived wisdom, when you have got the divorce, find a way for you and your kids to get out of his orbit for ever.

Keep going OP, you sound quite sparky, considering

Ooh I'd so love it if he died! (my bad) I've been to IDAS who've been brilliant, except for the bit where they said he was high risk and I was in danger. Police are a bit variable, some officers get it straight off the bat others hum and haw. Calling about Freedom Programme tomorrow - thanks I'm resigned to moving once this is all over which is gutting as I moved from one end of the country to the other to be with him and he isolated me from all my old friends during the course of our relationship. However, the good ones have already come back so I know I will be allright.

Also, I suppose the positive I hold to my heart permanently is that he underestimated me - I'm not some sad cow he rescued and who cannot exist without him, my only dependence was through bearing our children, something I thought a beautiful act of trust and the thing that he has destroyed. I will survive - go Gloria!

I get what you mean but you wouldn't love it if he died - it's actually quite horrible when it happens. I just wanted mine to bugger off and leave me alone and the only way that was achieved was by him absenting planet earth. I always thought it would be me dying that would break it - see how they get to you - it never occurred to me it would be him (I didn't honestly think either of us would but you get so desperate you can't see a way out).

He most definitely did underestimate you Glor . I do remember the look on ex's face when I rose like the proverbial phoenix - he had convinced himself i was the 2-dimensional beaten-down one.

Go Gloria! Go Gloria!

You're sounding positively magnificent my dear