Family feud casuing row between dh and I

[Northerner]

I won't go into full details, but three years ago my Mum had a big fallout with her Mum (my Gran)and they haven't spoken since. As a result of this, my Mum has 5 sisters and they haven't spoken to her either. Because I live away, and out of loyalty to my mum (she wasn't in the wrong IMO)I too haven't spoken to any of her family for 3 years. My Mum did send a letter to my Gran to let her know I was expecting ds, but my Gran chose not to contact me. However, she did send a card and pressie when ds was born, and at christmas and birthday etc. Anyway, one of my Mums sisters called her yesterday to say that she is getting married next June and she wants us to be there and she wants ds to be a pageboy. My Mum is over the moon as she feels it is time to let bygones be bygones and that ds taking centre stage will e a great ice breaker, as none of her family have even met him yet. However, dh has gone ballistic and said that no way can ds go to the wedding let alone be a pageboy. He says that no one has wanted anything to do with him so far and this is a sick way of using him to heal a family rift. He feels that my Mum should sort out her own problems without involving ds. My family are a bit crazy at the best of times and family gatherings usually end up in tears of some sort. I feel that it will be really difficult for my Mum to go to this wedding and face them all, but having ds there will make things easier for her. Ds will probably enjoy the party anyway and there will be other children there also. Dh has totally over reacted and said if I go and take ds that is my choice, but then he will have no contact with my family including my mum and dad afterwards.

I know it is a long way off yet but I know dh will not change his mind. Sorry for rambling but I am really upset over this and just want to please everyone.

What do you think?

Oh, Northerner, you are stuck in the middle, aren't you?

They're not "using" your DS - they've probably been longing to sort things out and have finally got an opportunity to do it without anybody losing face or having to apologise. I can understand DH is hurt on DS's behalf that he has missed out on your family so far, but does he really want him to miss out on all the cousins etc for the rest of his life? (I'm not surprised things get a bit emotional with 6 sisters btw!)

I can't think of anything to say to make him change his mind, but my DH has often been 100% against something to begin with and gradually come round later - hope your DH does too. He is wrong here, maybe he will see that after a while. Hope it all works out for you!

I think your Mum is right and maybe it is time to see if you can patch things up a little. Why is dh so peed off about it? Mind you my Dads family and my Dad dont speak to me either and if that aunt asked my two to be pageboys , he wouldnt allow it either. I suppose he doesnt want your ds to be made to be a go between. Is there no way your MUm and sisters could maybe try to sort things out before the wedding? It would be a bit more adult of them wouldnt it?

Sorry you are so upset about this, I know how you feel this used to be a regular occurence in our house until I said enough is enough and dont get involved in their petty squabbles anymore. Sorry if I am not making sense

Hmm, sticky. Partly I agree with your Mum on the bygones bit, it is time to let things go but I also think that your DH has a point. I do think think that his reaction was a bit extreme and I definitely don't share all of his views, but it does strike me as a little odd that a woman who has never met DS or had any involvement in his life so far is suddenly desperate to have him as a pageboy at her wedding. It may be an olive branch to your mum but I do think that the 2 sisters should sort this out without involving your little boy.

What happens if you agree and allow him to be page-boy, he has his suit fittings and all the rest of it, and then your mum and her sister have another big row ? What then ? Does DS still go as pageboy despite the fact that your mum is no longer going (it sound to me like you would be doing this for your mum). What if your aunt tells you that as a result of the rift she no longer thinks it a good idea that your son is page-boy, what do you say to DS ?

I have no idea what I would do about actually attending the wedding if I were you. I understand that you want to support your mum but I think that you may be putting a lot on the line for the sake of one night. Perhaps your DH will cool off in a few days/weeks, as you say there is lots of time between now and June so the situation could change. I think I would have a word with your mum about it, explain to her that it is causing a problem between you and DH.

Sorry if my response was rambling but I really do feel for you.

Best of luck
WSM xx

Tricky one but i agree with wsm about the what if this ,that and the other happens.Also another scary thought is your ds will no no-one except your mum and yourselves, wont it be a bit scary for him to put him amongst the pigeons?

IMO I would personally decline the offer of pageboy for the reasons given above but if you and your dh decide to go to the wedding, go for yourselves not your mum.
Hope everything goes well
love
doormat
xxx

Thanks all. I really need to think abouth this one don't I? It really seems like there is always some sort of feud going on with my Mums family. When I got married 2 of the sisters didn't come due to feuding!

Janh - you are so right. My Mum haveing 5 sisters is a real nightmare!

Maybe that's why my Mum only had 1 child

Sounds to me as if you've married someone who quite likes feuds too! I hardly speak to my dad but we don't have feud, just not much in common and my parents are divorced. I just don't understand these years and years of not speaking and feel so happy that your family are finally renuiting. Agree very much about your ds's aunts and cousins - how wonderful for him to have access to his wider family. You dh's reaction sounds really extreme IMO. Is there something else behind it? Does he fear his little family being swallowed up by your much bigger one??

aloha when you are in a family where fueds and slanging matches are common place your spouse is usually very protective, like mine is. I think Northerners dh is just trying to protect their son from being anything to at all with the fued.

Northerner, I agree with fio2, your DH is probably trying to protect you and your DS... but chances to heal huge rifts don't come along that often, so maybe there is a middle ground. Could you all get together for a coffee on the grounds of " it was really nice of you to invite DS to be part of your wedding, but I really think you should meet him first" (reword that - just read ot back and it sounds awful BYKWIM). Its not really unrerasonable and gives you a chance to find out about the wedding (and more importantly test the ground a bit before saying yes).
Healing a big rift in my family has taken a lot oftime and a willingness to 'let go' on all sides, but life is too short... and not being enemies doesn't mean you have to be 'best' friends, just gets rid of the aggro!

difficult... think big family gatherings are bad enough without feuds, personally I would feel a bit too used and worried about the big day and something awful breaking out/up in front of loads of people. If you agree what are the chances of being invited to family gatherings/just meeting up now and again, especially for ds to feel happier around what are basically strangers. That way hopefully the big day would be easier.

Message withdrawn

Aloha - thanks for your comments but I must say my dh doesn't like feuds at all! He comes from a small family, 1 brother and no aunts/uncles or cousins. He has always felt a bit swamped by my huge family, and he thinks they are a bit 'white trash' (His words not mine!)Dh ideally would not like ds to ahve anything to do with my family at all (except my mum and dad of course). So this feud has been a blessing in his opinion. His exact words were 'You are not taking my son to that cesspit of a s**thole'

Dadslib - very interesting to read your opinions, it could have been written by my dh in fact! Dh's main gripe is that they are using ds as a pawn, and he does not want him involved in this in any way, shape or form. Sad thing is even if this feud is resolved before the wedding dh will still not want ds to go.

Well, Northerner, I can imagine that if your Mum has to tell her family that your DS can't be a pageboy because your DH says 'You are not taking my son to that cesspit of a s**thole' they will never speak to any of you again.

I thought I remembered you posting about your DH and your Mum before...it is sad.

The wedding is nearly 9 months off - obviously they wouldn't be expecting you and DS to just turn up on the day - there would be meetings in between, wouldn't there...how soon do you have to give them an answer?

Message withdrawn

JanH - I agree. I would NEVER tell my Mum what dh said. She would be very upset. DH does have problems relating to my Mum. They have a personality clash I think. So when I am trying to appeal to his softer side by saying it would make my Mum happy, it means nothing to him.

I don't know when I have to decide by really. My Auntie hasn't yet rung me to ask me. I think she just assumes that telling my Mum is enough. It won't cross her mind that we might say no.

Problems like these are common between dh and I. I am getting pi**ed off with constantly defending my family as he always shoots them down in flames.

The joys of a mixed class marriage (But that's another thread)

Northerner, I apologise if you feel insulted by my remark. I suppose I mean he must feel that he gets something out of the rift, which you described very well. As long as everyone in your family isn't talking, he doesn't have to interact with them, so he's not exactly motivated to help you end it (and I might well behave in exactly the sam way in his place). I think on the whole civil relationships are better than feuds. So I'm sure there is a middle ground - ie you all agree to let bygones be bygones, send a card congratulating your aunt on the engagement, accept any invitation to go but say your ds would be too shy (or too noisy or something) to be a pageboy.

Think I've just made it worse! Anyway, hope it all turns out well in the end

aloha I hope I wasnt offensive to you, I was just trying to explain how heated things get

Aloha - no I wasn't in the least bit offended!

Tried to broach the subject again last night with dh, but he has made his point and clearly does will not budge. I'll leave it a while before testing the water again.

An engagement card is winging its way to my Aunt!

Great idea to send the card Northerner... hope you come to a decision you and DH are happy with.