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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so BLOODY ANGRY with my mother right now

23 replies

NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 22:35

Is anyone about...I've just had a huge screaming stand up row with my mother, who accused me of being selfish and irresponsible. She accused me of not knowing how to bring up my little boy....

(Am separating from my partner, we have a 1 year old son..)

My XP told his mum tonight who I am very close to. She is understandably really upset and TBH I'm more concerned about her.

There's a lot of hiustory to this and I said something to my mother that I'm not proud of .

Would really appreciate if someone could talk to me. Thanks.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 22:36

Sounds like a time of huge stress for you, NOMO - am sorry you're going through this. I'm around for a little while if you want to talk?

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 22:40

Thanks, hunker.

Basically my Mum had a massive go at me ...see the splittingup, not married thread for details of why.

When I was 11 years old my mum tried to kill herself.My sister and I didn't see for a long time.

I was so angry with her that I said I managed without her support for 18 months when I was 11 and I could do without it now.

I've never said anything like that to her before...

OP posts:
Arc2005 · 10/11/2005 22:41

Poor you

I too think that I am closer to my dh parents than a)he is b) i am to my own mother - certainly I would NEVER discuss my relationsship problems with my mother.

Hold on to wwhat you know to be right. Try not to shout ( I know!)

Good Luck and Hugs

hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 22:42

Oh, sweet - I'm sorry

I think that what you said is stark, but not harsh - it sounds like she's not being supportive, so really all you've done is tell the truth. Has she been stable since then? Not sure if stable's the right word, but you know what I mean.

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 22:43

Thanks Arc..she is always very quick to tell me how stupid/selfish/lazy I am. I just snapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 22:46

hunker, she is bi-polar. Basically she is a manic depressive and has been on lithium for pretty much all of that time. She is stable but does get very stressed and upset about things. She can be very manipulative and tbh I was so angry with her.

I know it sounds harsh but TBH I'm not sorry I said it. That sounds awful, doesn't it. But it's the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 22:46

I mean she has been on lithium for the past 20 years.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 22:48

No, it doesn't sound harsh. It sounds like you've had enough of having a mother who runs you down all the time and doesn't give you any support. It sounds like a perfectly normal response and something I'd have said a long time ago in your shoes (but I get the red mist...).

Don't beat yourself up over it - you have your own child to think of now. I'm really glad you have your XP's mum. Do you think you'll maintain a good relationship with her? You say you're worried about her?

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 22:56

Yes, I really want to maintain a good realtionship with her. She means a lot to me. I am so sorry for the hurt I've caused her.

A little bit of background..I was hospitalised with severe PND in August. I was suicidal.

Sorry am rambling...I just feel really sad.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 22:58

The PND wasn't your fault. I'm sure she's glad to have a good relationship with you and her grandchild.

Can you talk to her? If you both want to maintain a good friendship, I'm sure you can.

I'm sorry you feel sad - I wish there was something magical I could say to make it all better

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 23:02

Just listening is helpful! Thanks for that.

I am recovered from my depression now I think. It's just my mum. Normally I would back down and get upset, apologise to her (my mum I mean) - I think I gave her a shock.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 23:05

I would look on that as a positive thing then - it might be that she's fallen into a habit of being negative with you, and you taking it. But if you show her you're not prepared to take it, she might be less willing to say horrible things.

It must be really hard But I really don't think you should be worried about what you said to her - it honestly isn't as awful as you might think it is (well, it doesn't sound bad to me, I promise - just plain!).

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 23:09

Thanks hunker...phoned up my BF and she was completely supportive.

Does it sound odd to say that I feel empowered (daft word, I know) by saying it. Normally I'd be feeling overwhelmed with guilt by now..but now I'm thinkinf F*U. Very mature, eh?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 23:11

No, it doesn't sound odd at all - you've broken a destructive pattern of behaviour, which is really liberating!

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 23:12

Cheers hunker, I do appreciate this. Thanks again

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 23:17

Any time (except I only know you as this name, not sure I know you otherwise - am rubbish at guessing who people are!).

I hope you are feeling a bit brighter about things x x x x x

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 10/11/2005 23:28

You're right about it being liberating. I'm not speaking to her until she apologises. Do you know, I actually feel like a real grown for the first time in my life. Doesn't that sound ridiculous - I'm 31, a grown woman and a mother.

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hunkermunker · 10/11/2005 23:34

No, like I say, it's a pattern of behaviour. It needed a "big" situation to break it - it sounds like you've just had enough. Plus it's different when you're a parent yourself - you realise how you should be being treated by your parents!

ninah · 11/11/2005 15:25

seems to me you have always regarded your ds as priority. Why is it that your mother can say what she pleases to you (stuff she doesn't mean but in anger) but the same doesn't apply to you?
we all say awful hurtful stuff
Sounds to me that your main priority is the house move, and getting ds settled - worry about mum later. you need to be calm, you have already done SOOOO well!

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 11/11/2005 15:41

I think she was pretty shocked that I argued back because I usually don't. I just remember thinking, who the H*ll are you to talk to me like that after the childhood I had!! (Long, boring story).

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 11/11/2005 15:47

Hi Notonmyown,

Re your comment made earlier:-

"You're right about it being liberating. I'm not speaking to her until she apologises. Do you know, I actually feel like a real grown for the first time in my life. Doesn't that sound ridiculous - I'm 31, a grown woman and a mother".

Actually your comment made earlier is not ridiculous at all - many children who have "toxic" parents often say this. Think hunkermunker is right - it is a pattern of behaviour.

I would recommend you read the publication "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as it may help you as well.

ninah · 11/11/2005 15:50

sounds like you are asserting yourself on all fronts nomo! good for you.

Original poster
NOTonmyown · 11/11/2005 18:02

Thanks everyone.

the more and more I think about our row the more pssed off I get. She actually had the nerve to imply that I was unable to bring up my DS properly and didn't know what I was doing. Ok, she didn't imply it - she said it outright!!!!!The bl*dy NERVE!!!!

This is from the woman who attempted suicide and left me in someone else's care for 18 months.

Well, you can see where she's coming from I suppose

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