Should I not have told my DC?

[Ormirian]

Mum rang last night. She just wanted to chat. Anyway as sometimes happens when my dad isn't there she started talking about the loss of her twins boys at a few hours old. Happened nearly 50 yrs ago but the damage runs deep. Until I turned 30 I don't think she had really talked about it properly to anyone In those days it was swept under the carpet and forgotten about as quickly as possible - not something to make a fuss about. DD came into the kitchen and was listening so when I got off the phone DD asked me if granny was OK. I told her that yes she was and we were talking about something that happened years ago. And then told her and DS1 briefly what had happened. They are 14 and 12.

They both seemed sad and shocked to hear it but it was a long time ago we didn't dwell on it. Later I found DD in tears.

Should I have not told them? It's not my story to tell. I feel a bit uncomfortable. DH and I are very open with our children but my parents weren't with DB and I. Have I spoken out of turn?

I don't think you've spoken out of turn, but maybe you should also make sure they understand that granny doesn't like to talk about it, so not to mention it to her - they are old enough to understand that her generation doesn't like to discuss things as openly as people do nowadays. But I don't think you were wrong to explain, when they overheard and were concerned.

Yes. I hope they won;'t mention it. MUm and dad pick them up from school today so fingers crossed. I don't think they will.

Honestly, I don't think so. At some stage someone in your family needs to start opening up - it might as well be you with your dc.

You've done nothing wrong, your mum is upset about the loss of her babies - and who wouldn't be - it must have been even worse for her back then and not being able to grieve sufficiently.

Fwiw - my H's mum lost a baby at a few days old - it destroyed her marriage with her horrible husband. I often wonder what would have happened if women were not just expected to get on with things back then.

I think you will probably need to talk to you children more about this - especially if your dd is upset, your ds might be too - it's ok to be upset though - it is dreadfully sad.

I think they're old enough to hear about something like this, it probably just came as a bit of a shock to your DD, but it was the right thing to tell them the truth when they were clearly concerned enough to ask.

I'd just make sure that they know that they can always ask you any questions or talk to you more about it if they want to, and that it's OK to feel sad about it.

Thankyou everyone.

I think they are intelligent enough to realise it isn't something you just blurt out so won't mention it to mum and then I will talk to them again.

She also had 2 miscarriages. The twins died because she had pre-eclampsia and a mysogynistic monster of a consultant who told the matron of her ward to put her on a diet as she was just fat! She was retaining water massively. Babies were born a month early in gallons and gallons of fluid and they only lived a very short time. DB was born early too. I suspect she suffered from pre-eclampsia to a greater or lesser extent with all of them. MIL came and told her to stop lying around in the hospital and get home and look after her husband and son. Even her mum, who was sympathetic, told her she jsut had to get on with things. That's the way it was. When SIL lost a baby at about 14 weeks everyone made a fuss of her - flowers and sympathy - mum didn't know how to react, I think it brought it all home to her.

I want to go back and find that woman and hug her and make it all better.

I think you sound like you've handled it really well with your dc's. Your poor mum

Thanks Carly.

Wl it wasn't mentioned and I had a quick chat with them when we got home.

I hope you are really proud of your children (and your upbringing of them!) for their sensitivity and compassion.

Personally I think it's no bad thing to introduce children at a fairly early age to the concept of tragedy, as gently as possible, otherwise it comes as a horrible shock later on. (I was never one for pretending the hamster had turned into a gerbil while they were at school. We would give the hamster a proper send-off and then decide together whether it should be replaced.) Also they will now have a new understanding of their Granny, how things were for women in those days, and the fact that you can have very sad experiences but still get through it and have loving children and grandchildren to look forward to.

Ormiran - how sad. My mum gave birth to a stlllborn baby boy at full term over 50 years ago. It was before I was born and my mum has never told me about it. The only reason I know is because my aunt told me. My sister was very young but has a vague recollection of asking where the baby was when my mum came home from the hospital and being told she mustn't talk about it. People obviously felt they had to just get on with things in those days. Even through my own pregnancies when mum and I have talked about giving birth and I've thought that might give her the opportunity to open up, she hasn't. Because it was a boy she lost and she ended up with two daughters, when my first child was a boy it always felt particularly poignant watching her hold him.