One sided family visiting - i.e. you always have to go to theirs

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I live about a 2 hour drive from my DF and SM (DM died when I was 11, DF remarried after I left home so SM not a "mother figure" kind of SM iykwim). They are very lazy and not keen about coming to visit us. Mainly I think because SM calls the shots with DF and can't be bothered coming to see DF's family when if we go there it is usually incorporated into a get together with her DC and DGC.

It drives my DH mad to the extent that increasingly I have visited with the DC while DH was (genuinely) busy doing something else. This has happened on the last two occasions I saw them but I had invited them to us next month for a joint father's day/my 40th birthday lunch and they had accepted. Just now a phonecall saying my DF is having a minor op that week and can't drive that far (far enough) so can we go to them and make it a get together with SM's DC/DGC, etc. Which would be fine if it wasn't for the above history of one sidedness. We can't possibly not go but DH is going to be so peeved...

Others with family who won't visit (other than proper medical/age/financial reasons), do you suck it up, say live is too short and do the visiting or do you only do what you feel is a fair effort?

My dad and step-mum live about 2 hours away and visit us very rarely. They always seem to expect us and DD (22m) to visit them. No medical or age-related issues.

Obviously I don't mind making the effort to visit my own parents, but sometimes it's difficult now we have a toddler as their house is totally not child-friendly, even though they have other grandchildren (who all live locally, so don't have to stay over). I don't expect them to clear everything away, it is a large house full of a huge amount of stuff, but it's getting very awkward with a boisterous and curious child and is exhausting keeping her out of all the stuff all the time, and she quite often doesn't settle very well in the travel cot in a spare room packed full of yet more 'stuff'.

My dad is quite willing to drive but my step-mum doesn't like his driving so doesn't want to travel by car (and she won't do it). They sleep in the same room but in different beds due to snoring issues, and we only have one spare room with a standard double bed, so that's a problem as well.

They don't actually expect us to visit very often anyway and seem happy not to see us that often.

My inlaws live about an hour away, and on the trainline that will bring them to the station 10 minutes walk from our flat. They have been here once in the 5 years I have lived here, turning down countless invitations on the grounds of it being too difficult, a workday for FIL (he's self employed and works 6 days a week to avoid his wife), the wrong phase of the moon etc.

It used to drive me crackers, but I've accepted it as one of their foibles, and have actually managed to turn it into a good thing. If we're visiting them we're in control of how long the visit lasts, and when MIL turns into a cowbag we can just leave - easy peasy! That said, we don't visit often as when we do go they sit in their chairs and smoke without saying anything to anyone. DH and I can talk amongst ourselves at home and not end up smelling like an ashtray!

I think if there is no physical reason they can't visit you then I would only visit them as often as you want to visit them.
No-one is obliged to visit anyone.
I suspect if fit relatives of mine didn't bother visiting me then I wouldn't feel obliged to visit them and would only go if I wanted to.
Sounds like you need to be firmer and suggest it's their turn to visit you and only visit if you actually want to.
They obviously aren't that bothered so why should you be?

I take your point. I don't really understand why they don't visit us more often (they've been here I think 4 times since we had DD 22 months ago). We don't go to them that often because we often feel like we're imposing on them and their busy lives when we suggest visiting them, but they always seem happy when we're there and do like to see DD.

I'm close to my dad and get on very well with my step-mum (known her most of my life) so there are no problems in that area, and they love DH (and he them). Just wish we had more face-to-face contact, feel like DD won't really know them very well when she's older.

There's an 8 hour drive to see my parents so my kids have only seen them 2-3 times a year. I don't feel that has really affected anything though as they get on well when they see my parents, now just dad, and my dad has been on activity holidays with my kids (only 1 kid at a time as he's now retired) without me.
I think if your parents are busy and happy then I wouldn't worry if they aren't the sort of grandparents other kids have. You can see your grandparents every week and hate them and see them annually and love them.

Thanks for replies. I spoke to DH and we are going to go to this one but after that we are sitting it out until they make the effort to see us...

Count your blessings. DP's parens are too arrogant and important (despite being retired) to visit us and I got fed up with them once and told them it was a disgrace they had never once visited their DS in 10 years in his own place. They then visited, stayed in a hotel they won in a competition, and demanded to be taken out to a mega expensive restaurant, which DP had to pay for. They then refused to walk the 5 minutes back to their hotel and I had to ferry them in my car there after not drinking all night. At least if they stay put 2 1/2 hours away, I can keep control of the situation!

Rings a lot of bells with me. The one thing I would say is that it's so easy to get into a negative frame of mind with these things and then the whole thing becomes a vicious cycle becaue negativity breeds negativity. We try and stay positive about it.

My parents are an hour and a half away. All my brothers and sisters are close by my parents and all my brothers' and sisters' in laws are either also very near by or in another country. So the situation is that we end up going there much more than any of them come here because everyone is down there. They will often say "Well seeing as everyone is here, why don't we get eveyone together here".

My wife and I get very frustrated by it, but just keep positive and everything usually works out because, for the most part, the parents and other sibling families remain positive as well.

We turn it to our advantage and see it for its benefits. As cremeeggsbenedict says, you can be in control of how much you see them and leave whenever you want. We have never ever had to worry about relatives imposing themselves on us, which we remind ourselves is a huge bonus.

Yes, there are swings and roundabouts to the situation. We are very lucky with DH's siblings, as they're very good at coming to visit us (no kids yet, so that makes it easier for them), and they come from a fair distance away (one is in Ireland).

My PIL never visit us from Ireland, as PIL hates travelling and MIL is a bit frail physically, but we don't mind at all making the effort to get to them as they are so accommodating and helpful when we bring DD over, and we never have to worry about food, nappies, wipes etc, and DH's other brother lends us highchair, car seat and their old cot so we have a real home-from-home there. Whereas my parents aren't great in that respect and we have to lug everything over to them each time or do without.