Low Libido destroying our marriage - Please help!

[MaybeTomorrow]

I have posted before about this but a long time ago. I think the thread got lost in the mists of time and there weren't too many responses, but I'm hoping it might be different this time. Apologies in advance for the long post.

So, trying to make the story as concise as possible.

DH and I married for 3 years, together for nearly 7. One DD, nearly 2 years old. Both work full-time although I do 40 hours over 4 days to give me an extra day with DD.

I've always had a very very low sex-drive (in previous relationships also) but now it's at the stage where we only have sex once every couple of months. Outwardly I appear confident but inside I have self-esteem issues so don't normally initiate but at least I used to be happy to go along with it when DH did, but he knows now not to even try and we don't even cuddle anymore because I presume he wants more so I avoid it.

DH is a great H in all respects. Works very hard, does virtually all the housework (he's better at it than I am) is very house-proud and is a great Dad. He really is amazing. But he has a high sex-drive and I don't.

So, when I was PG, I felt like having sex a LOT more and we did it virtually every day. That stopped as soon as DD was born. I am on the pill, but only because I have bad skin and none of the other antibotics (topical or oral) work and it's the only solution. I know that the pill is likely to be part of the problem, but not all. Before I was PG I was never really up for it either.

One day a month, I have a dream about having sex (weird I know) and that's the only time I'm up for it. Strangely that coincides with Ovulation so I guess my body is working right in that respect. But I've put my whole problem down to a Hormone issue. It just seems to make sense since as soon as I'm on the pill it's even worse and when I was PG, it was the other way.

Does anyone know if there is anything that a GP can do to help me? Even though my DH is amazing, he is really starting to feel low about the whole thing. We avoid spending time together in the evenings because he will want something that I don't and I'm always tired.

I know the problem is mine and he will do anything that helps to get me back on track but I don't know where to start. I guess I'm looking for a miracle cure... Does anyone have any practical advice? One day we'd like to have a baby as I'm already nearly 37, but we need to get our marriage back on track first...

Thank you in advance.

Sorry, should have said another baby - we already have one!

Don't really have any advice, but I could have written your EXACT post, so wanted you to know you're not alone at least! I've just come off the pill again in order to TTC (didn't have much reason to be on it! Probably only had sex about 6 times since DD was born 21 months ago) and things have definitely improved. Obviously the TTC helps to some extent as I want to have sex more often in order to maximise chances, but finding that the more we manage it the more I'm interested. Like you, I wanted loads of sex in pregnancy, so maybe that's why DH has agreed to trying again!

I would say the pill could be a big part of the problem. How long before coming off the pill did it take for you to fall pregnant? it can take a few months for things to return to normal.

Pre-pill days I had a 'normal' sex drive. Whilst on the pill I didn't want sex ever and it went on for around 4 yrs. In the end I stopped it and now we are both so much happier

You could try 'date nights'. I always feel closer to DH when we have these and it would be good for the both of you to spend some time together even if it's just sitting down watching a film when your LO is in bed (we do this every wednesday) but I would go to the gp and see what they suggest too

belindarose and mummakaz, thank you so much for your responses. I really do feel that the pill is a definite contributor to the problem as that would even explain the other relationships previous to my DH, I've been on the pill since I first had sex at 18.

I came off the pill during our honeymoon in the April and was PG by the June. So I guess my body didn't have much time to adjust. However, I only went back on the pill about 6 months ago but really wasn't up for it at all the 18 months post having DD, even though I wasn't taking it then. Does it take that long for the hormones to settle again after giving birth, or could it be that my own hormones are the issue and the problem is just exacerbated (sp?) by the pill?

The only reason that I'm taking the pill is that I have very bad skin (not for contraception - I would love to have another baby! ). I've tried all the other antibiotics (even some that made me anaemic), including both tablets and topical treatments and nothing else worked. It's crazy, I'm much more confident when my skin looks nice. As soon as I come off the pill the spots start (and they're horrid ones...) so then my confidence plummets so has the opposite effect on the sex-drive that I want!

The pill also killed things for me, as did the Mirena coil.

You need to restore some intimacy in your relationship. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, being tactile and emotionally open are all part of it.

I think also sometimes you have to schedule it in, mentally. Aim for once a week to start with, make sure you're relaxed, it's not too late at night, have a glass of wine if it helps, use lots of lube and just go for it. In my experience, the more I have, the more I want.

Carlywurly, thank you for your response. I know what you're saying and I had heard that before, that the more you have the more you want (a bit like crisps in my case... ) and I know I need to try. It's just that even things that used to help (certain types of reading material - courtesy of Ann Summers... ), don't have any effect anymore, other than to make me feel a bit icky!

I've got an appointment with the GP this afternoon now, just made it, to talk things through. Ideally I don't want to be on any contraception, but need to somehow control my skin...