DH, My mother and my marriage

[cailin1974]

My mother is hard work by anyones standards but is essentially a loving caring person who would do anything for us. Im very close to her and speak once a day. She lives in a different country and she visits approx twice a year and I go there 2/3 times a year with ds. I have never pushed my husband to visit, he comes for the major family occasions last year he visited once and gets on great with the rest of my extended and huge family. He has never really got on with her but can be civil when he sees her and on more than one trip has told me at the end that she?s Ok really and he has mended his bridges with her. They never argue out right and she has never said a bad word about him in fact she has always gone out of her way to look after him on his visits. BUT increasing when he has had a drink or 2 he has upped his attacks on her to me calling her a hypocrite with double standards etc. I can say nothing as he will then accuse me of 'siding' with her. When I ask him to stop or just drop it she is the ds grandmother, lives far away, we see her so infrequently, she does nothing horrendous, has loaned us lots of money recently, he gets so angry he's impossible to reason with. Recently he has even started ranting in front of our friends about her! I feel it?s a huge disrespect to me to continue to do this and it has been going on for years but just got worse recently.
There is a lot going on in our lives at the moment as we have a toddler and new baby - DH finds having 2 ds ?very hard? even though I do 98% of everything to do with them. He is 'tired' all the time, yawning and moaning and reluctantly does family stuff like a walk in the park at weekend but it always feels like he would rather not be there i.e he walks on fast ahead or sits at edge of playground as if waiting for it all to be over.
I?m tired and emotional with the new baby and finding it increasingly hard to deal with his issues, last night after another prolonged attack and threat to ?have it out with her? when she visits in a few weeks, I just went to bed. This morning when I said we cant go on like this, he proposed I go and stay with family for a few weeks. I don?t know how to move things forward or fix things, I don?t think flying there will make anything better here. I?m crying most days as I really feel alone and don?t feel he wants to fix things. I have wondered whether he is suffering from depression or if I?m just looking for excuses for him. I really just want to slap him and say grow up, focus on your family and forget my mother........Any advice on how to approach this.....

Hi
Poor you, a new baby to look after and a bigger baby making your life a misery! So what you don't need right now.

I think he is using your mother as an excuse to rant quite frankly. She is a handy subject to project his anger onto. If she lived next door and got on his nerves I could maybye understand a bit more. But as you see her so infrequently the least he could do is grin and bare it while she is around for your sake.

Your mother is not the real issue imo, you need to have it out with him as to what his real problem is. My guess is that he is stressed out with his family responsibilites (not excusing him in anyway there mind). But instead io saying that he is using your mother as his whipping boy. The fact that he has told you to go and visit her is telling. I'm assuming you would take DCs with you? Well wouldn't that be convenient for him? It gives him a nice break doesn't it?

Well I would approach it just like you have said, he needs to forget your mother and focus on you and the children. Ask him why he feels the need to make such a big issue out of it and see what he says. If he gets defensive and refuses to engage with you like an adult than frankly I would go on that holiday to your mothers and not come back for as long as you can keep away. It sounds like you need a break from the selfish so and so.

What does your mother think of him btw? Just out of curiosity.

He sounds like a spoilt brat to me.
He knew your Mum when he married you and presumably knew that she would be part of your life?

I don't think this is about your mother at all, he is just feeling what we all feel with 2 small dc, but he will just have to get on with it. You have enough to worry about without him making stupid comments and unnecessary demands on you.
Like MilkandWine says, you going to your family for a while gives him the perfect break from all the parental responsibilities, its you who needs a break from his shitty behaviour.

Thank you for your replies, it is good to get an outsider perspective, MilkandWine mother sees hes a good husband and father and has never said anything bad but I would guess she sometimes views him as self centred
Im just tired of going round in circles, today will pan out like all other days post rows - I'll try and contact him and placate him and he will come home and tell me we'll be ok, its just a tough time etc etc and then we sit back and wait for it to all happen again...
maybe I will look at those flights

She views him as self centred because he is being bloody self centred. Incidentally he is niether being a good husband or father at the moment. A good father does not expect his wife to do 98% of the childcare and does not cause uneeded stress to his wife due to his own inability to act like a grown up and get on with her mother.

Don't mean to be harsh OP and I'm sure he has lot's of good qualities but his behaviour here just isin't acceptable.

You say today will pan out like the others. Well how about you make sure it doesn't? You say you will try and contact him and plactate him? why do you do that, what need have you to do any placating? He is the one acting like a toddler! Don't get in touch and let him stew in his own juice for a while. He is behaving like he does because he gets the reward of you trying to placate him afterwards. You need to change your reaction to his behaviour before you can start to change anything else.

This sounds like it's been a horrible and draining experience for you, especially on top of having a new baby.

I think you've realised that it's incredibly odd for him to be so angry about a woman he sees so infrequently and hasn't done anything to him. It makes me wonder just how emotionally stable he is if he can build up so much irrational hate.

You need to take care of yourself and your children. These are the things that sound very concerning (to me at least): him getting angrier about her when he's been drinking, leaving 98% of the childrearing to you, being reluctant to spend time with his family, threatening to have a go at your mother and making out that if you're not agreeing with him you're "siding" with her. This isn't a healthy situation to be in and I think you should start planning on what to do if it gets worse or fails to improve.

The fact that you feel you can't say anything and have to placate his afterwards isn't right either- it sounds like you've had to change your behaviour to deal with his irrationality. "When I ask him to stop or just drop it...he gets so angry he's impossible to reason with." This is what happens when you try and defend your mother OP :( You shouldn't have to carry on like this.

Just to clarify: I don't mean to imply that you aren't taking care of you and your children. I mean it'll be easier to take care of them and yourself than your husband, whose problems sound like they'll need a lot more effort and work and the desire to change on his part. He'll need to do a lot of the work there. Hope that makes a bit more sense.

Thanks PhilipJFry, that does make sense, I feel it is time to stand up and do something about it all, my hands are now full with the dc's and where as in the past I had time to dwell on and devote to rows and makeups, I dont have the time or the strenght to do it anymore. Im glad others can see how irrational his anger is, I cant understand it and am tired of trying to figure it out

It sounds to me as if your Mother has your husbands number and he knows it. I would get him on his own and have a stern talk with him. He is bang out of order on several fronts. He needs to start pulling his weight with the kids, stop moaning, lose his ridiculous fixation with your Mother and grow the feck up.

Dontgocurly now that I've managed to have a catnap and feel less emtional about it all your post has cheered me up no end and will def be the path I'm taking with him! Thanks