Upset, Pregnant and Quite frankly a bit desperate. Advice Please?

[pennygarcia]

I posted in AIBU and someone suggested I posted in here, so I am.

I posted a while ago about my DH looking at porn whilst I am pregnant and we cannot make love, which deeply upset me. I do think pregnancy hormones and the current situation don't really help though and I am maybe being more irrational than usual.

My DH went away last weekend and out with some friends and hasn't been home since as he is away working this week. I do find it hard to trust him due to the porn thing, how I feel about myself right now and the fact he has lied to me about some things.

Anyway, I logged into his email (he does know I have the password, he has the same pasword for almost everything and he knows I go onto his email as his DM emails us both via there). There was an email there saying he had a message from a woman on Facebook. I know I shouldn't have, but I read it and it was in reply to a message from him. He had obviously looked her up on Facebook after meeting up with her on his night out and then messaged her first, The messages were pretty flirty and implied attraction, but didn't suggest anything had happened.

He hadn't mentioned meeting an old friend on his night out, although we did chat about his night out. I feel quite uneasy about the whole thing, not least as I text him to ask him about it and he got very defensive, saying he hadn't done anything wrong and he'd had enough of me not trusting him and couldn't put up with it/me any more. We haven't spoken but he's sent several nasty texts saying it's over and I have to admit I have retaliated.

I don't feel up to speaking to him at the moment and I have spent most of the day is tears. Am I just being paranoid or should I be concerned he's not being entirely honest with me? I don't think he's been unfaithful this time, but due to his previosu lies etc I do now wonder if he has been in the past, he has plenty of oppotunity as he is away a lot and he did go through a period of accusing me before I was pregnant, when nothing could be further from my mind.

Just to add, I have since tried to ring him and he didn't answer, then text back saying there's no point in talking and it's over. I asked if we were just going to do everything via solicitors then and he replied 'whatever!'.

I just don't know what i am going to do.

Oh, you poor thing. I would go to a solicitors and find out your rights. Is there a friend or family member who can go with you?

You aren't being at all paranoid or irrational. He sounds an utterly appalling excuse for a husband. Has he always treated you this badly?

Sorry I think he has been up to something and is going on the defensive because he feels guilty as hell. I would pack all his stuff up and have it waiting on the doorstep for him. Might make him see what he has really got to lose.

Thankyou for replying. I don't have anyone near in RL and don't feel I can talk to family.

I have a hospital appointment tomorrow, which obviously I have to go to, but I am going to struggle to face it tbh as I need to discuss my birth/induction.

He is very angry that I have 'called him' on his behaviour, and has said I have invaded his privacy, which I know I have, but he is so defensive/angry it makes me wonder what he has to hide tbh.

He can be an utter arsehole sometimes, but overall he does try to be a good husband and manages pretty well most of the time. I can't see any way back from this though.

Why do you live so far from support? his idea? his instigation?

Has his treatment of you worsened since you got PG?

Why do you say he can be an utter arsehole sometimes? what has he done to you/others. IS it just you or is he like this with others too?

The reason I ask is that many men get abusive when the woman is PG, and if he already WAS capable of being an arsehole before, then it points to being an even bigger arsehole NOW.

Once he has started down this path, it's pretty impossible to get him back, he is showing you how he is.

I urge you to be honest with yourself, if he is abusing you, belittling you, making you feel worthless, then you need to face facts that you are potentially in an abusive relationship. If this is the case, you need to be as brave as you can be and get out, whatever it takes to do so. The longer you leave it, the more you will damage yourself, and kick yourself for staying.

I hope I am wrong, but if I'm not, please listen to me?

I was so sorry to read your post. My ex P cheated on me several times and it was really really hard to trust him afterwards. It must awful feeling in that position when you are pregnant and feeling vulnerable.

My advice is to get some breathing space. You've tried talking and he doesn't want to engage now. He might come around with a bit of space - or he might not - but for whatever reason he's in that "bloke zone" where IME its best to leave well alone for a bit until he's calmed down.

I do think you should tell the midwife/hospital tomorrow. I think its quite common for relationships to go rocky during pregnancy and you'll need extra support. How far along in the pregnancy are you?

Also, if there is no one near in RL are there people who can call - or who you could visit for a few days? I think you really could use some people to look after you at the moment.

Can you really not talk to anyone in RL?

I agree with Hissy I'm afraid. He is showing you who he is. Any man who can behave like this when his wife is pregnant, especially, is not a keeper.

You have quite rightly called him on his behaviour - which is out of order, completely out of order - and all of a sudden it's over? What is he, 14? You are about to become a family together. If it's that easy for him to walk away - God, I'd let him just go. No-one needs that kind of fair-weather partner...especially not one who thinks it's ok to flirt and make plans to meet other women while your pregnant wife sits at home. He sounds a rotten one, I'm afraid.

Talk to your midwife tomorrow. Forget talking about the birth, take charge and say I'm sorry, there's other stuff going on and I need some support there more urgently. Then PLEASE try and open up to someone in RL. You are pregnant. You need support, something HE should be giving you. He's clearly not going to, even if he gets over his strop and comes marching back. What a selfish, arrogant arse!

Thanks again for the replies.

We live away from my family due to his job, but I already lived away from them when I met my husband. We have been throught some very difficult times and although he has his problems he has stood by me and been there for me through it all.

That doesn't change though that he has been horribly abusive, not to mention downright nasty to me today with no regard to how upsetting me could affect the pregnancy. I can't come back from this, I just can't.

Worse still, he's added this woman onto his facebook now and deleted me. Why would he add her when all this is going on?! He says she's been on there for years and I'm imagining it, but it had earlier in his email 'add as a friend' I'm sure.

He's changed all of the passwords, including the bank, so I have no access to any money except the account I have a card for, so in an emergency that'd be a problem as there's not much money in there.

I feel awful, sick and can't sleep.

Oh, penny, you poor thing. Even if nothing else was wrong, the way he's reacted to your discovery is just appalling. To cut off your pregnant wife from access to money? Seriously?

If my husband had gone through my passwords and read my FB/email, and asked me what was going on, I would - assuming it was innocent, or trivial -

1. reassure him that nothing was, and spend as much time as necessary explaining the context of whatever he saw
2. accept that this might take a lot of time, because it would be important that he believed me
3. go into whether there's a background that had caused him to snoop; did he feel rejected, have we been disconnected recently, is there stuff in his life that made him wonder, are there things we could do as a couple to stop this happening again
4. once all of that was resolved, feel a bit miffed about the invasion of my privacy, and discuss that, and see if we can't agree on a better way to assuage his anxiety.

I mean, wouldn't any loving partner? The way your husband has reacted says volumes about how important you are to him.

Thankyou Tortoise. That really puts things in perspective for me because that is how I would react too. I know I have invaded his privacy and really shouldn't have but I do wonder why he is quite so angry about it and hasn't attempted to comfort me at all.

I do have access to a little money and although I'm shocked he's withdrawn my access to online banking I'm not sure he's quite enough of a bastard to leave me with no money.

I feel slightly better today, although still awful and I didn't sleep much at all. I'm not going to text/ring him again and I'm going to phone the benefits people to find out what I'd be entitled to if the need arises as I have no idea and don't work. I know that's not a long term solution though and I don't want to be on benefits.

I'm also considering seeing a solicitor next week to discuss my options, but I don't feel strong enough right now.

Penny - that is awful.

Is this a joint bank account? If it is you should be able to get money by going into the branch if you take ID, even without the password. I don't know what the bank policy would be about one partner changing passwords.

Are you working? If not you need to find out if you're entitled to more benefits.

I agree with ShoutyHamster that you need to speak to your midwife about all this today. They really should be able to point you to where you can get more support.

You might also want to think about getting legal advice but suggest you start with the midwife.

Please see a solicitor as soon as possible.

Is your name on the morgage? You need to make sure that you have somewhere to live and as his wife and with his child you can stay in the family home and he can move out. He will have to pay to house and care for his child. You need to get this sorted before your child is born.

He has told you it is over. Even if he is just saying that how can you forget what he has done/the way he has treated the mother of his unborn child? This is not a loving relationship in which to rease a child.

My best suggestion is to go on the defensive and protect yourself. Sort finance, sort living arrangements and make it legal.
Pack his stuff up and ask him where you should send it. Get him out of the house and then serve him with the devoice papers, he is a twat.

I'm really angry on your behalf how dare he treat you like this

He has changed passwords on your JOINT accounts? WHAT??!!

Right, get onto the bank straight away. You need to take action here. He is acting very wrongly and for a start you need to make the bank aware of it - the last thing you need if for him to start clearing out the account etc. Cut to the chase, you can't trust him, he's a complete tool - so start protecting yourself and your baby NOW and don't give him time to rip you off.

What you probably should do: Ring the bank, explain the situation and get an alert put on the joint account so that bills etc. are paid as they should be, but withdrawals are not possible. Ask their advice and say that there is a dispute.

(What I would do: Ring up and say that you can't get into your account and are worried that there has been fraudulent activity. You'll need to prove ID etc. Get a new password set. Then take as much money out of the account as possible and transfer into yours.)

Then get straight onto a solicitor and start the ball rolling. What's the situation with your house? Do you own it? Start packing his stuff. Midwife, GP etc. too. Tell them (and your solicitor) - this is emotional and financial abuse.

If you mean what you say, that you can't come back from this, then you need to let your family know. They will know soon enough anyway! - get on the phone and get some support. You really need to do this. If you want to get him out, easier with someone standing at your side when he arrives back and sees his bags packed.

Oh, he has nowhere to go? Oh no darling, I'm sure your lovely new Facebook friend will put you up :) You are refusing to to go? But darling, I'm afraid I've already reported your emotional and financial abuse of me to the doctor, the midwife, Women's Aid, and my solicitor. Seriously, it would really be better for you if you moved out now rather than harrassed me further :)

I'm not going to bother commenting on his behaviour really - nothing to say, he's a loser, good thing you got the chance to find out now while you're pregnant and not caring for a newborn. Honestly, believe it or not it's a million times easier to do this now rather than after the birth! Get him out, and get onto the bank and get the control of your own finances back - cheeky little scumbag. Oh, and just forget about facebook, adding friends, blah blah - leave him to his little teenage dramas and you've got all the more time to concentrate on getting this lowlife OUT of your hair before your baby is born.

All the above sounds really tough and 100 miles an hour stuff, I'm sure. But... I can tell you, if you honestly think this is a dealbreaker (and I would think so) then if you do this NOW, while he is away and while you do not have a baby to care for, you will have an easier time of it in the long run. Don't take him back. He's shown you who he is - is this someone you want to make a life and a family with? At worst, he's a cheating scum. At best, he is an abusive wanker who's trying to flex his big man muscles and show you who's in charge. Ditch him.

Penny, please do what Shouty says. It can all be rectified if need be later, but you need to get yourself back on an even keel in this relationship. You can't allow him to do this to you.

Have you got a friend who can sit with you while you do all this?

If not bullet point shouty's paragraphs and tackle them one by one, tick them off. Stay focussed, stay motivated and committed to protecting yourself and your baby.

Penny, I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I can only second Shoutyhamsters brilliant advice. Please please follow it. You seriously need to protect yourself and your baby. This man is not good enough for you, porn, other women, facebook? ( Is he 15 or something?)

Please tell someone in your RL as well, you need people to help you, do not keep all of this to yourself, it is too much to cope with alone.

Sending you hugs and please let us know how you are as soon as you can

First off, it doesn't surprise me at all that a porn user has been unfaithful; therapists are increasingly noticing this link.

He is being abusive and within that he is gaslighting you, which is the practice of trying to convince someone that she has imagined something, or got the wrong end of the stick. Hence his claim that this woman was a longstanding FB friend. You know what you saw, don't mistrust your reactions for a moment longer.

Take back control and get all the support in RL that you can. He has manipulated this situation to his own ends. He is trying to deflect responsibility for his adultery on to you for snooping. Refuse to accept that.

Just cut him out of the picture now, because he has clearly done such a number on you over the years, that you have had cause to question your own perfectly normal reactions and wondered whether you were unreasonable, or if your pregnancy has caused you to feel this way.