Feedback on weekly commuting from those already doing it please!

[NoWayNoHow]

DH has new job, dream job, which will entail him being a weekly commuter (leaving us Monday a.m. and returning Friday p.m.)

Just looking for some feedback from anyone in the same position, really. How is it working out, what tips can you give, what do you think needs to change and how, and how to you make those all-important weekends special?

Bump

My DP used to do this. Didn't have kids then, though. He used to phone every night, but at weekends all we wanted to do was veg out because of all the driving ( I had a long commute too).

Pluses: he bought a house and did fairly well on the property ladder thereafter. His career took off.

I suppose it depends on what lies behind the decision to do it. I wouldn't bank on "special weekends" because he'll probably be too knackered.

Put a time limit on it.. honestly, after over four years of it, that would be my advice. I can't imagine how people make this work long term with small dc's, it's really not great for family life. It's very easy to grow apart if you spend only weekends together, and it puts a big strain on the person left holding the fort at home.

Make sure you have as much help as possible, I had a cleaner, help with the garden, and some childcare as I didn't have family near. Don't overplan weekends but make sure you have family time.

Sorry to sound so negative - my experience of it wasn't great, to say the least. I hope yours is very different! Could you ever consider moving nearer to your DH's work in future?

I commuted between Paris and Milton Keynes for two months. It was awful. I arrived tired and grumpy on Friday night, late, and left after lunch on Sunday. You don't have "special weekends" because all you can focus on is how little time you all have together as a family. We all hated it. There were no pluses. We've agreed we will never do this again.

we are doing it the moment but only for a few weeks - wouldn't want to do anylonger - there was a thread on AIBU about this recently though and loads of people seemed to be fine with it -
it depends what you are doing - eg how old the kids are- are you working etc - and I guess how much your DH is around normally - one thing I would suggest is getting a regular babysitter - otherwise you are "trapped" at home in the week

We've been doing this on and off for years and it's very much on at the moment. DH is away Monday to Thursday and it works for us. He misses the kids and we miss hime like crazy, but in his job he works late most nights so wouldn't usually see the girls anyway. He works at home on Friday though and stops work soon after our eldest gets home from school so we do have that extra time with him.

Interesting to hear all the opinions. I will definitely see if I can hunt down that AIBU thread.

Background: DS is 3.6, will be increasing nursery hours to full time from June when I start my new job. It's my first step back into employment in 5 yrs and I beat loads of other candidates to get it. It's very important to me.

DH starts his new job in Aug. He's been working all his adult life for this role, and he totally deserves it. His current job means that DS only sees him for about 5 mins in the morning, and he's frequently already in bed when DH gets home, so I dont think he'll be massively impacted by the commute.

The biggest change will be for us as a couple. We are going to Skype every night, and part of me feels like we might actually have more meaningful conversations than we do now as at the mo, we tend to chat during dinner and then just slob out in front of the TV,

We intend to enable our weekends as much as possible by getting a cleaner and dish washer, and also have babysitter lined up for the nights when i want to meet up with people during the week.

Not too worried about the commute tiring DH out as it's actually not far- only 1.5hrs. It's just that the nature of the jobs requires that he live on site or in the immediate vicinity.

There are a few reasons neither of us want me and DS to move with him. Firstly is the issue of my job. It took me 6 months to find it and I dont want to let it go after such a fight for it, especially when it is my opportunity to move back into employment. Secondly, we are very close to my parents where we are now and they see DS at least once a week. We feel it would be cruel to take him away when they have such a close bond, not to mention the fact that they're a great support network. Thirdly, we've been able to afford a really nice house where we are now, and if we moved to the immediate vicinity of DH's work, we'll have to massively downsize or completely overstretch ourselves financially to live in an area that just isn't as nice as where we are now. We all also have close friendships here which we'd be sad to leave behind.

Sorry, that's a really long post, I dont blame you if you don't get to the end of of
it!!

Thanks for answers so far, but here's a little "bump" so I can cheekily ask for a bit more insight based on my info above!

I think you're being very practical, and with Skype etc of course it's easier now. You are lucky to have such a solid support network, so I'd say go for it!!

Good luck to you!

Here is the link
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1212602-to-say-no-to-dh-working-away
But I have to say it all sounds very doable - if the journey is not too long that will make a big difference

Go for it - but make sure DS is Okay with it.

If you are working full time as well it's possible that he won't be seeing much of either of you and he will lose out most of all. Try thinking it through from his point of view and consider how to make it easiest for him. Full time nursery (9-6?) at 3.5 is pretty tough and you will probably be very tired after work every day. Perhaps he would be happier if grandparents could do childcare or if you take a Nanny so at least he can be at home through that time?

And don't forget you may end up with number two at one point - it does happen!

But all that aside, it sounds like the right step to take.

Actually it works really well for us. We see more of DH than when we lived together in the City! He is out with his work M_Th and at home Fr Sat Sun, whereas he might have gone out with mates to the pub he stays at home with us. Only probs are..1 if we have a few busy weekends- parties, people over - then we feel we miss that time together alone. 2. Sex! He never gets enough!
Any one else have this?

You are right to plan to make your life as easy as possible on line shopping is a good idea to add to your list. Also, your DH should help with house admin even if he is not there (on line stuff, taking things with him to sort out) so it doesn't always all fall to you.

Be protective of your weekends as it will emotionally draining to be apart / holding the fort on your own and starting a new job after 5 years!! Make sure you don't spend the entire time doing "jobs" and do get some time to yourself - it can feel like you are on 24/7 duty during the week with your DS and then at weekend feel the need to spend time with your DH "making it special" as you put it when you might just want to sit in a quiet corner without anyone asking you any questions!!

Remember why you are doing this, get your parents to invite you to tea during the week (less clearing up!!), arrange to see / go out with your friends, spend some of the money you are saving on property on nice things and do this often, National Trust Membership and weekend NT cream teas. Don't neglect your life either together at the weekends or your life during the week - the week has 7 days in it, not 2!!

During the week, have routines to make your life easier so the last minute leaving the house stresses are minimised, allow down time, TV watching etc and I quite like the kids tea out!!

I've had a weekend relationship with DH before children and found it emotionally draining. My DH is away during the week for a short and fixed period at the moment and when we have considered this option for longer terms, we have decided against it but we have three DC's.

Be open with each other about your fears, the positives and the negatives and if the negatives stack up, keep talking about it so you can tip the balance before it becomes too difficult and if it really doesn't work, be prepared to understand the compromises of possibly moving closer to his work. You are compromising on the perfect life (as we all are!!!), it's just a matter of understanding what those compromises are and reviewing them to see if they still make sense.

Thanks all. I think we will certainly be looking at opportunities for him to come back during the week if he has late morning meetings the next day (for example). The bonus is that he'll be living on site in an apartment big enough for DS and I to travel up to him as well on a weekend, so we get the best of both worlds.

In terms of DS, he isn't new to nursery (has been going 4 mornings a week for a year) and we had a little taster of what life would be like a couple of weeks ago when I was unbelievably ill with tonsillitis so we had to put him in full time so I could recover. He had a ball. He loved every day, loved being there with his friends, and we actually saw an improvement in his behaviour as there's just SO much to do there he never gets bored. It did make me a little to see that he needs more than just me now though...

I totally understand making time for myself as well, although part of me feels that just being able to take the evenings to have a long bath/read my book/watch something on TV that doesn't have James May in it will be all the "me" time I need.

Definitely going to do online shopping too. DH is going to be religious about doing all work he needs to do in the evenings when he's away from us so that come the weekend, he doesn't even need to check emails.

Thanks again for all your input. I think we will still explore the option of moving up there as the schools are really good and DH's postcode would mean that DS would be in the catchment area for most of them. No harm in having all the information about all the options.

Getting a phone card for your car if you can. Then you can chat whilst driving all together as a family. We do this on the way to and from school. Also easier than trying to get ready in the mornings, or being busy with tea, bath, etc..in the evenings, AND being on the phone at the same time to say 'hello darling' whilst rushing around and not listening properly! This really helped.