I don't know how to get out of this one, help!

[dancerinthedark]

My husband has been emotionally abusive for over a year. He is an angry and unloving man and he also shouts at our 2 beautiful children. When I ask him if he loves me and wants to be married to me he says yes but then he treats me with no respect, he blames me for everything that is not right in his life (even blames me for the fact that it is challenging being married and having kids)
and is utterly unreasonable. I suggested that if he was so disenchanted with me then why was he still hanging around, he should leave. He won't. I'm sure that he is worried about the children and what a break up would mean (so am I) but I am so desperate and so cross with him for taking no responsibility for his shit at all. If he won't go what do I do? Do I go and then become the villain when it is him who has perpertrated the horror and refused to engage with me like an adult and talk stuff through, when it's him shouting me and our kids down, when it's him denying my emotions and hurt any breathing space...blimey, I know I don't deserve this but I dont' know what to do? Any advice...? Help, I'm swimming between madness, serentity and inner strength, to wine and fags to pilates and work. It's exhausting. Thank you for reading this x

You poor thing.

Don't worry about being the one to leave. I bet your children and your friends will know who's reasonable and who isn't, and in the end the person who leaves the house doesn't determine who 'wins'. But do you have the financial wherewithal to leave? There are legal ramifications in leaving the marital home, which you should consider.

So, focus less on who's the villain, and more on the legal rights, I think. a lot of family law solicitors do free half-hour consults, maybe talk to one or two of them and get an idea where you stand.

Sorry if this is too pragmatic - I'm really sympathetic, but I think it's clear the relationship needs to end so I'm skipping straight to the logistics.

Has anything happened to make him change in the last year? Work, money worries, health worries etc? Would Relate be any help?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. This relationship is clearly not working; is this really the ideal role model for these children to be witnessing?.

Joint counselling is generally not recommended where there is ongoing abuse.

I would also advocate seeking legal advice to see exactly where you stand.

I was hoping you would come on Attila - you usually post longer messages, and I'm sure they make so much sense to people in abusive relationships. Are you short of time today!

you will always be the villain whatever you do - but, if you leave, you will be in control of your destiny and you and DC can have a much morepleasant life .

i ahd to leave - of course he wants to stay married to you it gives him kudos and he can talk of his beloning - his wife. if he leaves - he has failed - if you leave he can play victim...

leave - for the Dc sake - get them away from shouting and angry - but plan your exit so that you set boundaries and dont let him into your new life

You are not the one making it impossible to stay in this situation. Remember that. You have not asked for him to mistreat you and your DC.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is not acceptable and that WHEN you leave HIM, it will be HIS fault.

The other thing is, you'd be a villain in whose eyes? your DC, no, because THEY are being shouted at. in your H eyes? well then, stop bloody shouting then! simple.

Don't give a stuff what he thinks, he is emotionally abusing you and not stopping. This will get worse, it always does. Stop it now.

The sooner you stop it, the sooner you will recover, the less damage will be done.

Have you read Controlling/dp/0425191656 Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? That'll help you see it's nothing to do with you, and that you are not able to stop him doing this to you.

I think that you have every reason to leave, with no guilt. You owe this to your self and your kids. Before you go, PLEASE get some legal advice - first CAB - who hopefully will give you a lot of advice (they helped me lots) and they may recommend a solicitor you gives you Free advice for the first session. He's abusing you - you need to split. Get advice and take it from there. Good luck.

Thank you so much you all who have responded, it is so helpful to get perspective, advice and to not feel so alone in this horrible mess. I will seek legal advice and I will enlist my families help. It feels scary to go public as though you're pushing the situation and therefore hurtling towards an ending but where else is this going? I may not feel so strong in the morning! But thank ou again x

Abuse LOVES secrecy. don't allow yourself to be shamed into keeping his secret, this is HIS behaviour, his cruelty, and it can't go on if people know about it.

The only way to get this sorted is to be honest with yourself, your DC, and your family/friends. He can say what he wants to, and probably will. the truth will out.