If you knew new DP might be infertile, what would you do?

[FertilityQuestion]

Ok, I'm a childless woman, and I've met a lovely man, and we've been going out a few months. I'd love to be a mum one day, and he told me he has a medical condition that might make him infertile. It's pretty rare, and there's no simple test (without going into this in too much detail, it's not a simple case of doing a sperm count). The prognosis (we think) is about 50/50.

I'm 32, so there's no super rush, but this is weighing on my mind. I feel so cold for asking this, but this could be a real problem for me. He's a lovely man, and I think I'm falling in love with him.

What would you do? Should I stop worrying and let life take its course? Do we split up before we become too attached?

Well, it's good that he's told you. Maybe it would be good to talk about the "what ifs" in a little more detail - he's clearly thinking about the long term.

Has he discussed how he feels about the possibility of future children? Would he be open to fathering a child conceived via donor sperm for example?

Thanks. He's said he'd like children, but is aware it might not be possible. We've not discussed sperm donation yet.

I'd be more gutted to find out my partner didn't want kids than was possibly infertile. There is a chance that he isn't, and if he is there are other options you could explore if you get to that point. The fact that he told you early on shows he's an honest decent bloke, who cares about your feelings. I think you need more discussion about this, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if I were you.

OP - this must wiegh on his mind every day of his life given that he's told you he wants children - so it must have been a massive thing for him to tell you. Good on him. Doesn't make it any esiser for you though.

I think suzikettles has it right - time for a very honest chat about the "what ifs". Trust you're instincts after that because only you will know the rigth decision for you.

I have 2 children, And after having my 2nd child I was told I would be unable to have anymore, I met my husband 2 years ago and was totally honest with him, He has no children and I was always honest with him from day 1 about it and he stayed with me regardless, I feel guilty at times that I am not able to give him a child of his own but he is a fantastic step dad and loves my children and they think the world of him. There were times I thought he might leave and yearn for a child but although he says it would be nice he'd rather have me than a child. He is 30 and I am 27, The only person who has ever and still does pass comment on it is my MIL who reminds me all the time how much she wants him to have his 'own' child.

Thanks for your responses. A good discussion on the what ifs is needed. It really needn't be a deal breaker, and it's all quite a shock so far

We've not spoken yet, but what would you do if he didn't (yet) want to try sperm donation, say?

I would be more worried if he did want to try sperm donation after only dating you for a few months. Although it's impossible to generalise for all relationships, people generally wait at least a year before trying for children (unless time is really running out, which at 32 it isn't). Then surely you would want to try to conceive in the conventional way for a while before accepting that sperm donation may be required?

It's good to talk hypothetically at this stage "what if we get to the point where we want kids' for example. It would be jumping the gun a bit to seriously discuss sperm donation with someone you've been dating for a few months who may or may not be infertile.

Part of the problem is that this talk has almost come too soon in our relationship for us - he has to take medication for the thing that could cause the infertility, and therefore, it was a bit unavoidable to talk about the condition, which has brought us on to talking about fertility among other things.

I tend to agree that possible male infertility in a partner who theoretically wants kids (whilst not ideal) is much less of a problem than a life partner who simply doesn't want kids - there are ways around it.

He wants children and so do you. It might take longer but it will still be possible. If you love him then it will just be a hurdle that you will have to get over together.

Well,as there's only a chance he could be infertile then tbh I would do nothing.

The reality is that any one of us could be infertile, since one in six couples experience difficulty conceiving there's a very real possibility that you might have problems anyway regardless of his admition iyswim.

At this stage I don't even think you need to talk about the possibilities, but if he wants kids and you want kids and the relationship is a lasting one, then there are ways to achieve that and those can be discussed when the time is right.

But for now you're far too new into the relationship to need to think about the possibilities IMO. Just take it as it comes, and if the time comes then you can discuss at the time. I would imagine that you would ttc naturally anyway so it's no different to any other couple who needs to seek fertility treatment, the only difference is that you are aware there might be a need to do so.

dump him unless I was in love with- I am very practical- if you have you ask, then dump And find a fertile man.
Alternatively, 10% of children are cuckolds (their father is not who they think it is) so you could always go down that route.
Not sure how figure of 10% is obtained but is often repeated.

Thanks Kangers, not sure that would work if it turns out DP is infertile

Without giving too much detail, DP is definitely infertile at present, but would require a change of medication to potentially become fertile, and then wait six months for fertility to start

wow kangers what a charmer. And of course any future new man would presumably have to undergo fertility testing before entering into a relationship?

op - when I was on the ttc boards there was a poster whose dh had to take medication in order for fertility to be achieved. Iirc it didn't take them long to conceive, whereas I never did (have one dc, unable to conceive again), so in truth there are no guarantees and even the most hopeless looking situations don't necessarily need to be iyswim.

Feeling for you.

I found out my ex husband was infertile 3 months before we got married (split was nothing to do with this issue) and it's such an emotive subject. I wanted children and he agreed he'd do what was necessary when the time came. As it was, when we went to have DI we found out I have severe endometriosis and the chances of my conceiving naturally wasn't pathetically small. As it turned out we didn't have kids but we were together for 20 years, mostly happily until the end.

When I met my DP I felt I had to tell him quite quickly that I wouldn't be able to have kids (especially at 40). It's something that you have to do as it gives the other person the opportunity to get out with little damage and less pain for you.

I'd say that if you have a 50/50 chance, that's a start. You can always go down the DI route or even adopt if necessary.

Good luck

wannabe

Do you know what thread that might be? I'll have a look. Interesting

Let life take its course, I say.

Thing is though, it's out there now. It's not like the hypothetical situation that either one of you could be infertile which all couples are in before they have children whether they think about it or not.

So I think it's fair enough to have the conversation about what might happen in the future. If I read the op correctly, she's not saying they want to ttc now - just that if 2 years down the line say, they're still together and want to start a family this may be a problem that they'll face together.

So, say you have the chat and he says that if he's infertile then that's sad but he couldn't imagine being able to love someone elses' biological child so sperm donation or adoption are not on the table as far as he's concerned, then well, that's kind of the same as saying he doesn't want children and op needs to think about how high a priority children are to her.

If he says that if infertile then he would be open to exploring other ways of fathering a child, then not such an issue.

If I was the op, with the information her dp has given her out there, I'd want to get a little bit of a feeling about his attitudes to the potential options. No promises of course, life's not like that. Just an idea about how he feels about things.

oohlaalaa- no disagree completely- take control, wok out whats important to you and go for it. If love and man more imp than kids then no issue. But this seems to be an issue- if it was me I would not be able to stay - I am perhaps heartless, but there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and aiming for it.
Good luck.

Kangers - by let life take its course, I mean see what happens with the relationship.

I love my DH and if he was infertile, there would be no chance of me up and leaving him. We would find our own way of dealing with the issue, whether it be sperm donation or adoption.