Miserable DH :(

[Teachermumof3]

My DH has a bit of a history of depression-mainly connected with him being unhappy at work and unhappy with being overweight. He seems happy at work at the moment (though working long hours), but over the last few weeks (mainly weekends-he's better in the week for some reason) he's been cross, snappy, irritable and generally miserable. When asked if he's ok, he says cryptic things like 'I haven't been ok for years' or 'I'm p*ed off with being fat and old' (he turns 40 v soon).

Now-he is overweight, yes-but stomping around making me and the children suffer is not going to help. At the weekends, he is increasingly doing his own thing-surfing the web, having a nap, doing his hobby and resents being asked to do anything round the house as because he 'works full time' and I don't (I still teach 3 days a week and we also have 3 kids (including one baby)-plus I do 95% of everything around the house). He wants to have time to himself (ha-honestly, what's that?) and says I'm making him feel guilty if I ask him to do things that aren't important. Nothing is actually 'important' and I get 'does this have to be done now a lot-whereas things that he wants to do, are important. He'll often just disappear into the study or up to read on the bed and no-one knows where he is-then if I come and find him, he'll say, 'I was only after ten minutes on my own-I work all the time and you don't etc etc -you can go back to work full time and see what it's like... ' I know he's pissed off that he works lots of hours and I work less, but I also run the house virtually single handedly!

We also often see various friends on a Saturday night (with the kids/takeaway etc) and it's lovely-kids are happy, but he's starting moaning about this now. He didn't want to go out last Saturday and had a strop-went to get ready really late then asked if I wanted to go alone; I said I didn't and it would be v rude not to go. He came anyway and cheered up and apologised for being grumpy and had fun. He did say though that he didn't want to go out this Saturday or do anything. It's me though that then has the kids saying 'what are we doing today, what are we doing tomorrow' and it's hard to entertain three of them inside all weekend-especially when he's so grumpy. I could take them out on my own, but I have them all on my own during the week-that's not much of a break for me!

Obvious solution is that he loses weight, gets more energy and cheers up-but how do I make that happen?! I cook healthily-it's only him that is overweight, so he must be eating other foods that I don't see!

Arghhhhh-what can I do??

What a total DRAIN to live with! Poor you!

I think you need to sit him down and tell him all this tbh.

Let someone take the kids for a while and read him the riot act. Tell him that he is sinking further and further into a black hole and taking the family with him.

Only HE can make himself happy, him sitting around avoiding being a dad or parent pontificating is only going to make things worse. None of this is YOUR fault, but he is making it so. He needs to take responsibility for his life and LIVE it not moan about it.

40 is the best decade so far! Beats the 30s hands down!

He sounds like he's behaving like a selfish knob tbh. I agree with herhissyness, this must be utterly wearing and you do need to read him the riot act. He needs to snap out of it, and realise how much you also do.

Free time needs to be shared equally, XH used to "sneak off" and I'd find him having a lie down, or he'd disappear into the loo for ages, knowing that I couldn't complain about that!! I hated the feeling I was nagging by just asking him to do a fraction of what should have been his share. It's much less work now he isn't here (not advocating that approach though!!!)

He sounds like his depression is getting worse, all of that behaviour seems typical and if he is not on antidepressants and seeing a GP then psychiatrist, he needs to be, particularly if this has been cycling over a number of years, he will not be able to get better without help. If his depression is only linked to work and weight, can you not encourage him to make a career change and go back to work full time yourself to take pressure off? Perhaps, go for long walks together to encourage exercise? It seems as though you have real frustration issues towards him, but if he is doing this because he is ill he is not doing it to be horrible. Perhaps let him stay in bed while you see friends on the weekend, that is what he is asking for and feels he needs. It is very hard for depressed people to get out of bed when they are in the middle of the illness, and not something you can jolly him out of. Now of course if he isn't diagnosed depressed and just going through a midlife crisis then I take some of this back.

I'd agree that going to the GP needs to be the first step to ascertain if he needs to be on medication to help with this.

Don't carry him though, if he refuses to get help you can't just continue to shoulder all the workload and make allowances for him - it isn't fair and your needs should matter too.

overwieght - he can go to GP , get a lfie coach, go to gym etc do something about it.
work - he can speak to his employers about cutting hours
depression - he can got o GP, talk about it, talk thru solutions

it is all about what "he" can do - you can do nothing for him if he wont help himself.

doesnt like his work, doesnt like his kids -what does he like?

my exP was like this - so glad is now ex.

in the end either he will decide to do something about it because he risks losing you - or he wont.

but you could start by telling him all this and see if he takes it on board....

I agree with cestlavielife but those solutions need to be worked through in a step by step way, and if he is depressed as livinginazoo says, then he probably cannot see the wood for the trees. He may well not be able to "snap out of it"

I think the first step is to insist he sees a GP, then if depression is confirmed try and get over to him that he needs to take steps, for his own good, and yours to improve things. Taking exercise is universally acknowledged as being good for improvement of low mood and anxiety. Maximising opportunities for having a nice time and not avoiding contact with people, even if you feel like it, is another.

Lastly, even if he is depressed, he is not entitled to drag you down - I know what that is like. First I think you need to get confirmation of whether this is depression or not. And either way, he has to make an effort (maybe with help) to do whatever it takes to help him out of it.

I've had depression myself, and a father who suffered much worse than I have, and a mother who has had to live with it for years. My heart goes out to you

BTW - reading the riot act is really unlikely to be helpful. If he is depressed he is not choosing to be so. However, gently pointing out the reality (for you, OP) is helpful .

I'd also suggest he has Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and then looks into how he can manage his work life better.

I couldn't agree more with Jamie.

I think your husband is depressed and that both you and he need to recognise that it is an illness that needs treatment. Maybe start with the NHS pages on depression and get your husband to answer the questions on there. Let him know you are there for him but he needs to take the first step of seeing the GP. Then talk a lot about what he can and cannot manage at the moment and agree a plan together that helps him recuperate but also recognises that you and the children have needs too. This might mean going out for walks or days out as a family but maybe seeing big groups of people a little less often until he feels up to it.

Tell him that he must go to the GP.

Depression is awful, and it creeps up on you - but the difference between a depressed person and an arse, is that the depressed person seeks to make themselves better rather than using the depression as an excuse to behave like a selfish knobhead.

my friend's husband told me - that his wife read him teh riot act. she said - get help or get out. he got help.
another friend - her husband said to ehr - get help or get out (they ahd lsot a child so she ahd every reaosn to eb depressed - but he could see she was not getting the help eneded to deal with it) .

so - in my limited experience - in some cases laying it on the line - well it does help.

with my exP - it didnt help because he turned everything down to other people's responsibilities/external factors and still turns everything down to "but i m depressed/stressed/whatever - i cant help how i behave" (oh yes he CAN)

you can do so much - you can help get him to GP (i did this with my exP - i literally marched him there) - but the rest is up to him. and ultimately you have to decide what your limits and boundaries are. go talk to someone yourself, read about boundary setting on the depression fallout board
www.depressionfallout.com/messageboard.php and think about your and your DC needs too. short medium and long term

Teachermumof3, reading about your DH in your OP was like reading about myself a while ago before I sought help ? wanting to be alone, lying on the bed reading or sleeping or surfing the internet, not being able to deal with the smallest demand or responsibility, not wanting to see friends because I would feel drained after.

Through all this I still went to work and looked the part but when I got home I had to go and lie on the bed for an hour to recover my energy. I was completely antisocial and exhausted all the time, all I wanted was to be left alone. However, I did not believe that I was depressed, I was just ?tired?. It took a long time (and some really big emotional bust-ups when DH tried to get me to snap out of it which was impossible) for my DH to accept that I was ?tired? and not lazy or antisocial but once he accepted my ?tiredness? and took up some of the slack I was then able to see more clearly and get help from the doctors. I went on antidepressants and things have (very slowly) got better to the point that I am now seeing people again, doing things e.g., cooking and picking DD up from school (sometimes).

I am just beginning to see how hard things have been for DH but at the time I was just exhausted and couldn?t even begin to think about others.

Sorry, no solutions here just someone else?s perspective but wishing you good luck in dealing with this x

He is coming up to 40 and feels unhappy with his life, he is not happy with the way he looks and you can help change that by making sure he eats a better dieat, and buying him a gym membership for his 40th.

Only he can change how he feels about himself it is not dependant upon you but you can help him to achieve what he wishes to achieve, it is doable.

Hmmm...I remember another thread of yours and your complaints about how your H was under-invested in your relationship and did very little in the way of domestic chores. I'm sorry to read that things haven't improved and in fact seem to have got worse.

It's pretty impossible to diagnose depression from what you've said, but it does sound like mid-life crisis territory and like I mentioned to you on that other thread yonks ago, it sounds to me as though your H is massively vulnerable to an affair.

In fact, the behaviour you're describing matches what many betrayed partners report either just before a physical affair starts, or when it is underway. I suspect his reactions have changed a bit lately - and that he has become more combative and defensive, for you to post again.

The other aspect that can confuse this is that affairs often happen to depressed people, but also lots of people having affairs claim that they are depressed and this is used as a ruse to deflect more enquiries about why they are behaving so appallingly.

Given that your H's laziness and under-investment is long-standing, I would be disinclined to advise unquestioning sympathy and instead suggest you stand back and question what might really be going on here and whether there are other tell-tale signs. Ultimately, whatever is happening in your H's life is his responsibility and you cannot carry this relationship and the work entailed, on your own.

I might be wide of the mark here, but I want you to think the unthinkable and perhaps to question what might be your script too - that he would struggle to find anyone to have an affair with, or that he's not "the type".

Hmm, interesting post, WWIFN. Hope it's not that, but I do know of people who are unhappy with themselves having affairs to make themselves feel better, and then feeling dreadfully guilty and lashing out.

my DH was an utter shit just before he turned 40 and whilst I could not have more sympathy for people who really do suffer from depression I don't think medicalising and labelling the normal low points of life is always helpful. Sometimes we do have to 'snap out of it' and get a grip on ourselves, especially when we are parents. It is completely in his hands, but you may be able to help in some ways. In my case I got an allotment for DH and now he loves it, exercise, sociability a sense of achievement and somewhere to be alone and peaceful for a while. I also found that instead of always blaming him for not taking his share with the children etc, I just either told him what he was doing as I was going out, or just accepted it and got on with it! Your happiness is in your hands too, you may not be able to change how things are but you may be able to change how you feel about it.

Essentially one of the key questions is, is this part of your DHs history of depression that you mentioned repeating itself that coincides with hitting 40, or a mid life crisis?