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Relationships

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Original poster

Have said yes to invitation to get-together with friends, and now been asked if I'd be OK with XP and fiancee being invited too. WWYD?

20 replies

OohLovelyForearms · 15/05/2011 23:17

A friend I haven't seen for ages has invited DS and I to a get-together in the summer, and we'd love to go, so I've said yes. This was a few weeks ago.

This friend - who was (briefly, I thought) friendly with XP - emailed today with a thoughtful message, asking if I'd be OK with him inviting XP and his fiancée to the get-together too. He said he assumed it would be fine, but thought he ought to check, just in case.

I feel torn. I know all the advice about being grown-up and putting the past behind us and getting along - and for the most part, we manage to rub along OK for DS's sake. However, XP was (and can still be) controlling and undermining, and monumentally crossed the line in our relationship - which I still struggle to understand and forgive. I don't trust him, and I'm wary of anyone who thinks he's a good egg. Beyond interacting civilly when we need to for DS, I feel better - happier - when he's at arm's length. I'm on edge, guarded and not really myself with him around.

So I want to say no to my friend. I want to say actually, seeing as you've asked, please don't invite XP: I'll feel uncomfortable - I won't be able to relax. I couldn't bear anyone saying to me how lovely XP is (he can seem as much - and this has been said to me) and having to nod through gritted teeth instead of saying, "Nooooo!" DS is really into XP's fiancée at the moment (she's lovely), and it would hurt to see him so full of her, too - I find it hard enough smiling when he raves about how nice she is, "just like another mum". It's going to be on my weekend with DS - ordinarily removed from strains like these - and I just want to be able to be myself, relax with DS, see friends and enjoy it.

But asking my friend not to invite XP may well make me come across as the controlling, bitter ex - which I don't think I am; just going for self-preservation. But it wouldn't look that way. So do I just smile and say, yeah, it'll all be fine, and suck it up?

OP posts:

Earlybird · 15/05/2011 23:27

Tricky.

It comes across loud and clear that you don't want to be at the event with your ex present. What doesn't come across so clearly is how much do you want to go to the get together. I know you said 'yes' to the invitation, but would you be sorry to miss out?

How many people will be there? Do you have a good friend that could support you there in case there is any awkwardness?

bleedingstill · 15/05/2011 23:31

I don't think you can really ask your friend not to invite your ex.

Abelia · 15/05/2011 23:33

Would it be confusing for your DS to be at an event with all three of you?

If your friend having hte party was going to mind if you say "no not comfortable" they shouldn't have asked the question.

FabbyChic · 15/05/2011 23:34

I'd have to say something like I appreciate being asked that is really kind of you, however I really wouldnt feel comfortable attending if he was there. Be honest.

blackeyeddog · 15/05/2011 23:34

Well I wouldn't like it. Tell your your friend you would enjoy the outing much more if you didn't have see his annoying smug my life is soo great face at it.

Nowt wrong with bitter imo.

wineisfine · 15/05/2011 23:35

Well, nuts to "assuming it would be fine". You wouldn't feel comfortable. You were invited first. I'd reply saying "actually, X, I am not ready to be around XP and his fiancée, especially with DS there. If you would still like to invite them we will be unable to attend, as I would hate for any tension to spoil your get-together".

Why put yourself through it? Why worry about it until it happens then have a crap day? If your friend insists on inviting them then be gracious and ask if they would like to get together with you and DS some other time in the summer. Ditto the other friends - nothing to stop you approaching them about meeting up.

Honestly, I think your friend will understand. If he doesn't, pschaw. It is YOUR job to look after YOURSELF, not worry about how you might appear to other people. And if you did drag yourself along, and things did go badly, you'd be kicking yourself.

Be kind to yourself, seriously!

WhoWhoWhoWho · 15/05/2011 23:36

Hmm tricky. I would probably save face by being mature and reasonable and saying how of course I wouldn't mind, and then bailing out on the day. Saying you would mind makes you look bad, the person holding the get together has really put you on the spot and in an awkward position.

I completely understand how being there with your ex and fiancee would make you feel, I'm in a similar situation and would rather pull out my own teeth.

springydaffs · 15/05/2011 23:37

I'd say no, you'd rather he wasn't there. If your friend has any sensitivity - and I think he does if he has sent you the email clearing it with you - he will understand that this could be a problem for you, as it would be for many people - most?

Where does this stuff come from anyway - this stuff that we're supposed to 'move on' and it's all hunky dory once the dust has settled? It's so manufactured imo. Obviously, some people can do it but it's probably a minority imo.

I also had a very charming --controlling bastard- ex who everyone adored and gushed with praise about endlessly. tiresome. In the end I stopped doing the fixed smile and started saying to their "oh! I saw ex the other day!" (LIKE I WANT TO KNOW! ) with "oh realy? Did you chop his balls off?" That stopped the gushing-about-ex convos, thankfully; plus it marked the point where I was sufficiently thawed to start telling the truth.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 15/05/2011 23:37

wineisfine - that is a really good way of responding, go with that OP

Original poster

OohLovelyForearms · 16/05/2011 00:09

Thank you all - really helpful posts. wineisfine, I think I might just copy and paste your suggested text in my response to this friend!

And springydaffs, I know what you mean about this whole "moving on and be friends" mentality. I like the idea of it, yes. And I feel a bit of a failure for not managing it. But on other boards on here, there's plenty of advice to have nothing to do with controlling/abusive/manipulative men - that they should be kept out of our lives, for the sake of our sanity and self-esteem. And this advice is incongruent with aiming to be forgiving friends. I do feel I've tried the latter, and it wasn't working - and this year, after a fairly peaceful 2010, I've been on the receiving end of a surge of put-downs and the like from XP (including him reducing me to tears in front of DS), and I've decided enough's enough - it's business-like, necessary communication and interactions only for now. I do think DS has suffered a bit from the hike in coolness between his dad and I - but I don't think I should subject myself to XP's undermining crap to keep DS just a smidge happier.

Blimey - I don't know where that little rant came from! Ahem. Anyway, thanks again - I feel OK now about politely, carefully saying that I'd prefer it if XP isn't invited. Time for bed.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 16/05/2011 00:10

I think I would reply along the lines of 'Well actually I've been invited somewhere else that day and would rather not socialise with XP so if you don't mind I'll catch up with you another time.'

MumblingRagDoll · 16/05/2011 00:13

I think wineisfine has put it well an I would also add your thanks for him asking if you mind. Sounds like your friend is thougtful and he should understand.

mamas12 · 16/05/2011 00:18

I would thank your friend for being a good friend and running this by you, and actually you do mind, so if he didn't invite the ex that would make a great party even better all around. He will understand especially if you stress the confusing ds line too.
tbh he wouldn't have asked if he really knew the answer, I think he sounds alright by asking you and would accept your answer.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/05/2011 08:31

Great if you can move on and be friends, but why should the onus be all on you to be decent and friendly while the ex can be as offensive as he likes? Friendship is mutual. He won't be your friend, ergo you can't be his.

Agree that wineisfine's response is excellent.

BecauseImWorthIt · 16/05/2011 08:36

It sounds like your friend is a very good friend - he is obviously sensitive enough to realise that you might have an issue with it, and is therefore asking you what he should do. I see no reason, therefore, why you shouldn't be totally honest with him, and tell him exactly how you feel.

It's then up to him to decide what to do.

And I wouldn't worry about feeling any kind of pressure to 'move on' - it's your life and you have to live it in a way that makes both you and your DS happy.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 08:39

Are you sure your ex hasn't already been invited ?

I would do what wineisfine said, anyway

SherlockMoans · 16/05/2011 10:03

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all - if your relationship ended why on earth would anyone think you wanted to socialise with him over canapes, quite peculiar.

Relationships end and you may wish the other person no ill will, but still not actually want to spend any time with them ever again (surely that is the whole point of no longer being with them)

I think its quite reasonable to do what wine suggested and say it may cause tension and confusion for DS

diddl · 16/05/2011 10:17

"Are you sure your ex hasn't already been invited ?"

I was thinking that tbh.

Or ex knows about the get together and might just turn up anyway?

Surely if the friend is a good friend, it wouldn´t occur to them to invite your ex as they would know how you feel?

lalalonglegs · 16/05/2011 10:24

I would have no problem with telling the friend that having your ex there would make you uncomfortable. If he has already issued an invitation, then it's up to him to sort it out...

Smum99 · 16/05/2011 11:51

I'm of the same opinion as AF and would go with winisfine response. A good friend would know the situation and not invite your ex, of course it's awkward, why would he 'assume' it would be ok? Is this a real friendship or superficial? My DH had this situation, a 'mutual' friend would invite both but it became clear there wasn't mutuality (they subsequently had an affair despite both being married!) and DH decided to walk away. Best thing he ever did, I really don't think true friends would put you in this situation.

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