Widows/widowers come and talk to me about new relationships...please!

[SignOnTheWindow]

Sorry, I'm going to be quite vague about details because I don't want to give the game away to people I know in RL (am sure you can empathise).

I've met someone I really like. Very tentative early ventures into a meet up for a drink etc. though the understanding is definitely not just as friends.

First there's the question of what constitutes 'too soon.' I am confused by the fact that I even fancy someone, let alone see myself in a relationship possibly in the not too distant future. I was and still am deeply in love with DH and have been quite vociferous so far in saying that I can't see myself finding anyone else. I suppose I explain it to myself by comparing it to having more than one child - you always think you can't love the next one, but your feelings just expand to include both.

If it did come to anything - how on earth to begin telling others though, especially DH's family.

I have lost a bit of confidence in my ability to make rational decisions. I have always felt ok about my 'gut feelings' and this feels hopeful, but I'm not sure I can trust myself.

Any advice?

You are bound to take quite a while to adjust, but surely the notion of what is 'too soon' is nonsense. No one can dictate a timescale to you. Do what feels right to you and what you think will give you comfort. Think about what you want. Life doesn't go by rules. I hope you will enjoy getting to know the new man and if nothing else he could be a friend.

My DM died after a long battle with bastard C. About 10 months later my wonderful dad met someone else. He was petrified as my two sisters (who call him daddy and are very close to him) are actually his step daughters, and all the family around him are DM family.
We just all got over it to be honest. We were just happy to see him happy. Nothing will ever take away from the person you had in your life, no one will ever make the love you felt any less.
The only person that was funny about it was one of my mums sisters who was happy that dad was happy, but was not willing to meet the new lady. As it happened, the lady friend lasted a year or so and then fizzled out but I was glad that Dad had her to help him through things and make him happy.

I know I'm not in the same situation as you but I hope the story helps a bit...

Nothing will ever take away from the person you had in your life, no one will ever make the love you felt any less.

Yes I definitely feel that. I'm sorry about your DM Moodykat, but thank you for the story - it does help.

And yet and yet...

comme, yes - when I think about it logically it seems obvious. But when I did a search on MN for 'widowed new relationship' it brought up a thread that garnered a few judgy comments. Got me worried - I'm not generally inclined to care what others think, but I don't want to lose friends and family (esp DH's family).

I think that whatever you think is best, is best. Being widowed is a terrible thing to go through and therefore if you can find happiness with someone else, grab it.

Of course you need to keep your eyes open to other people's feelings not least dc if you have them and if they are of an age to understand what might be developing with a new "friend" on the scene and bringing someone new into their lives.

Your DH's family, that is a difficult and delicate one, but if you are sensitive about how you broach the subject (not too soon I would think, really be sure you are in a ltr first if possible), and they are sensitive at letting you have your own private life, then hopefully no one will feel too terrible about you "moving on". They may naturally worry about future access to their son's children if that's relevant. But that's a long way down the line.

Enjoy what you have, take it slowly because you are probably still very vulnerable.

The only other thing is whether this is very early days since your DH died, also whether he was ill for a while beforehand etc. If this is within a year or even two of his death or his diagnosis, I would still never say don't pursue a relationship, but I would say tread very very carefully purely out of self-preservation and also ensuring that your judgement is definitely right. Finding someone new to love can be so very exciting that your radar for whether it's definitely a good relationship may go a bit wonky!

But what a lovely thing to happen for you!

Thank you Abelia - profoundly sensible and encouraging advice.

I would only broach the subject with DHs family if and when you are sure about any new DP; You will probably be able to gauge what is a suitable time.

As for you, only do what feels comfortable for you at this time.

I had had a terrible relationship with my H and became involved relatively quickly with DP after H passed away, however I had known DP for many years.

H family also were difficult ( attempted to take control where H left off ) so I literally had to put my foot down with them.

I had to do what was right for me, as well as taking into account the DCs.

I don't think you can put a time frame on it, just when you feel ready and I felt after watching H die after brief illness suddenly life seems very short and you have to live it. Not a day goes past when I don't think about my own mortatlity