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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

living with a gambler...

6 replies

valentine4 · 15/05/2011 19:26

Hi I am new to mumsnet so apologies if I am on the wrong board - this place is huge!
I am married with 4 children, dh is lovely very committed family man he always liked a flutter but about 5 years ago he started gambling heavily. It took me a while to cop on - imagine our credit card statements disappearing all of a sudden!! when I did he was contrite and promised to stop.
He didn't he got a lot worse especially when I was pregnant with our yougest dd. He was spending a scary amount of money online, so the recession kicked in and he / we could no longer afford it, yet again he promised he had stopped. Last year in the space of the world cup he spent a thousand euro betting - I only found out afterwards.
He has been acting suss recently so this morning I hunted out my debit card to reactivate my log in for check out our current a/c online. He freaked out and finally admitted he has been gambling heavily again - he has promised to go to GA, that he will give all cards, cash etc over to me...I just don't know if I can be bothered with it all anymore. Reading over this I must seem like a complete innocent doormat - I was, but its been going on so long now that I have lost all trust in him...I just don't know what to do..

OP posts:

neuroticmumof3 · 15/05/2011 19:31

i think the only thing you can do is to take over control of the family finances. he's an addict and having access to money enables his addiction. don't beat yourself up for not knowing how serious things were, addicts are very adept at hiding the extent of their addictions. sounds like your man is ready to make changes so encourage him to go to GA.

BluddyMoFo · 15/05/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrywidow · 15/05/2011 20:23

You HAVE to take control of the finances.

I know two gambling addicts; one is in jail for defrauding company he was working for because of his gambling, another has serious debt to the tune of several hundred thousand and still gambles anything he has spare which is very little.

I also work next to a betting shop and see the same men day in day out pacing up and down outside.

He is going to find it very hard to stop.

When I went through stuff after my H died there was evidence that he had gambled away rather a large amount of money as well; didn't leave me destitute but totally wasted money IMO

Take total control its the only way otherwise he will suck you and DCs down further.

I feel for you

HollyBollyBooBoo · 15/05/2011 22:04

Think there are a couple of things you need think about:

The practical side of it. Take control of all finances with immediate effect whether he gives you his 'blessing' to do that or not. Cut up all his credit/debit cards so that he cannot do anymore gambling.

The emotional side of it. Can you deal with the deception of what he has done to you and your family and the fact he has effectively spent some of your DCs inheritance without your agreement?

He's an addict. He will always be an addict albeit he might become a recovering addict. Can you live with this? Talk is cheap, especially for an addict. He says he's stopped but when that urge comes over him, he could have promised on the lives of all his children he'll never gamble again, but he will.

Sorry I know I sound a bit full on but please don't deceive yourself that he'll change just because he's been busted! There are support groups out there for relatives of addicts which I think you should contact.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2011 07:17

You may want to speak to Gamcare as they are also helpful with family members of gamblers www.gamcare.org.uk. They are a charity.

Phone support 0845 6000 133

mrsravelstein · 16/05/2011 07:26

my 1st husband was a gambler. like you i knew he liked a bit of a bet but he also earned very good money so I didn't think too much of it. it was only when he cleaned out our savings and ran up debts well into 5 figures and then tried to secretly take out a bank loan to cover his losses that I realised just how bad it was - he was doing it mainly on the internet which made it very easy for him to distance himself from the actual huge sums of money involved. i just couldn't live with it, found it sickening, and we eventually divorced.... at the time of the divorce the few financial papers he supplied showed continuing losses of around 2k per month.

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