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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

heart verus head - which one do I follow?

8 replies

tinkgirl · 15/05/2011 17:27

DH and I will have been married for 15 yrs in a couple of weeks time and although I've told him thousands of times that I am not happy, he does nothing about it.

Head says get rid, he ain't going to change but heart says keep going for the DC's (as pathetic as that sounds).

I couldn't afford the house on my own either so the DC's would be looking at divorce and a house move.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 15/05/2011 17:29

Well, I would say that this is your life. This is it, the life you have, you won't get another. Do you want to spend it in misery? I personally think staying for the children is not a good move.

Original poster
tinkgirl · 15/05/2011 17:37

I think, if I'm really honest with myself then I know what to do but i just don't know where to find the strength, there is no way that he will move out of the house.

OP posts:
LittleHousebytheRiver · 15/05/2011 17:41

What do you expect him to do when you tell him you are unhappy? And why should he do something about it rather than you? And if telling him one thousand times didn't achieve anything why repeat it? Have you been for any counselling together?

You need to give us more information to help you. If your head says get rid, then you must reason you would be better off as a single parent. Does your heart only feel bad for the children's sake or is there anything left between you and your husband? If he did offer to work on things would you give him another chance? Or are you implacably bitter about the reasons for your unhappiness. Drinking? Violence? Extravagance? What has he done?

Original poster
tinkgirl · 15/05/2011 17:49

no violence, he drinks alot though. He is very selfish and self-centred. Like alot of women, I have to do the shopping, washing (he will only do his own), ironing, all the financial stuff etc etc

Everything at the weekend has to tie in with him going to the pub. I don't have alot of confidence and have anxiety and panic attacks. i think that this is playing part in why I've put up with it for so long - the thought of being on my own is scary.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 15/05/2011 17:53

Yes it's really really bloody scary. I'm going through that process at the moment. waiting for the house to sell so I can live on my own with the kids. scares the hell out of m even though my partner has committed more crimes against our relationship than I can begin to recount.

Original poster
tinkgirl · 15/05/2011 18:03

I don't think that I would be able to afford anything in this area, which would mean the DC's changing schools as well as everything else. I know that I'm unhappy but I try my hardest to make sure that the DC's aren't. It would be a big shock to them.

OP posts:
thenewf · 15/05/2011 20:21

Tinkgirl, I have been in an unhappy marriage for a while and like you always wanted to get out. Then came several jolts which forced my hand. Hence I am 52 and on my own. I know I have to go through this and like yourself I lack self confidence and will not be able afford a decent house. My kids are older and have left home though so that is not so much of an issue for me. Really only you can make this decision but don't leave it as late as I did.

A bit of a ramble without much point I guess but hugs to you.

Kimberjem · 15/05/2011 20:40

Someone really wise once said to me, if your head and your heart are telling you different things, neither are right, I try to remember that.

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