My dad died this afternoon.

[Lovecat]

He's been ill for a while (Alzheimers) and in hospital for the last few months refusing to eat. He's survived pneumonia twice already but according to Mum he refused a nebuliser and then just gave up breathing.

Not sure why I'm posting. Can't concentrate on anything much, head feels all spaced out and I'm crying on and off.

The reason I suppose I'm posting is because I hated him while he was alive, he was sexually and emotionally abusive, he made our childhoods hell and did his damndest to fuck up our adult lives as well with his control-freak insanity, yet I'm in bits. This both annoys and confuses me. Head's all over the place and I daresay I need to dump.

Oh well. DH has been lovely. I'm just...gah.

No need to reply. Just feel really.... :(

Lovecat ((hugs)) you are mouring the Dad he wasn't and the fact that he has now lost the chance to ever make that up to you, even though in reality that went a long time ago. No matter how terrible he was to you, he was still the only father you had. It is hard enough to lose a parent anyway, but to lose a parent that has been abusive must be very very hard - so many conflicting emotions.

Let DH look after you and just let the emotions pass through you...
x

I'm so sorry you're going through this. :(

The emotional complexity of the 'situation' (sorry, I think that's the wrong way to term it, I don't want to trivialise what you're feeling) will be tough on you. It's hard to marry up what you suffered during childhood with the loss you are feeling now, very difficult to deal with.

I wish I had some advice. It's something I will have to deal with to some degree when I'm in your position, so I've thought about it before, but I don't think it's anything that can be planned for, or the feelings anticipated.

Will be thinking of you. x

Think Cointreau has it right. Sorry you're hurting. Look after yourself.

The fact that you are in bits shows that however bad your dad was, he didn't rub any of it off on you. Sounds like you are a very normal careing person who will, with the support of those who love you, get through this. Chin up chuck.

Gnomedeplume has it absolutely spot on.

So sorry for what you are going through.

Lovecat I'm sorry you are having such a crap and confusing time. My dad died about 18 months ago and I had a very peculiar relationship with him; he was emotionally unavailable when I was a child, very sporadic contact, then virtual estrangement in the last 15 years) and I have lots of emotional baggage as a result, so I can completely empathise with the mixed emtions you are feeling.

I remember on our other forum, on of our regular friends (HH from Cardiff) posted with an almost identical post as yours a few years ago - do you recall it? If you are still in touch with her at all she will understand completely too.

I hope you will still make it to the meet-up next week but perhaps your mum will be needing you, so I'm sending you a ((([big hug))) now, just in case I don't get to meet you after all.

Lost mother 2 years ago -very close though relationship not easy. The loss of a parent is a major thing whatever the relationship : try ,for yourself, to remember any good times ; it helps