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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i in an abusive relationship?

26 replies

Doingthedishes · 14/05/2011 17:42

Hi,I'm new to mn and have been reading a few posts that have set alarm bells ringing.
I have been married 10 years and have 3 children , we have been renovating a house that my husband has left half finished so that has caused a lot of stress.
I get really fed up of the house and do go on a bit his response has varied from trying to intimidate me to throwing things,threatening me etc.
I have tried not to nag about stuff but it is getting me down and i have told him this , he says he will do more but then never does, he may do a few hours on a weekend and thats it and we can't afford to get others in.
I spend all my time sorting the kids out taking them to various activities etc while most of the time on a weekend hes at home on computer or watching
tv .
When we argue about this he says i'm messed up in the head etc and says i have too much time on my hands , i gave up work to look after the children and have recently started my own business.
I dont really have much of a sex drive anymore as i'm tired and stressed , this is a huge issue for him and he has massive tantrums the last time he physically attacked me, kicking me.
Obviously i know that isn't normal but it's not an everyday thing , i guess what i'm wondering is can things return to normal after this or is this how it all starts?
Thanks if you managed to read all this .

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 17:51

I dont really have much of a sex drive anymore as i'm tired and stressed , this is a huge issue for him and he has massive tantrums the last time he physically attacked me, kicking me.
Obviously i know that isn't normal but it's not an everyday thing , i guess what i'm wondering is can things return to normal after this or is this how it all starts?

That is the section that worries me most. YES it IS abusive. Physically and mentally abusive too.

I would find it very hard for anything to return to normal after that sort of treatment. How the hell does he expect you to want to have sex with him if he treats you this way? So you feel less and less like being intimate with him (perfectly understandable) and he now has a choice, to either change his ways very sharpish, and try his utmost to regain your respect, or he will carry on being an abusive bully.

Was this kick a one off? Did he apologise immediately afterwards?

BooyHoo · 14/05/2011 17:52

absoloutely 100% yes. it is abusive. ask yourself this question.

if someone in the street carried out any one of those actions on you would you consider it ok or would you consider calling the police?

Mamaz0n · 14/05/2011 17:57

the fact he has assaulted you alone says yes, it is abusive.

but more importantly, you are living a half life. Everyday you are having to watch what you say so as not to upset him.

you know that you cannot continue to live like this don't you?

Original poster
Doingthedishes · 14/05/2011 18:03

Yes it was the first time he had done this, no he didn't appologise till the evening (this happened in the morning) and even then it was a hug ,no words spoken.
I was wondering if all the stress could be an excuse , do things like this happen just the once , he seems to have forgotton all about it now.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 18:09

Oh I bet he hasnt forgotten about it! but he is hoping you have.

Things can happen once, and life go on happily afterwards, but sadly the rest of your post would indicate that this is just part of the problem, and I really think the pair of you have to sit down, away from the kids and have a very frank discussion on your future together. He has to be 100% remorseful for his behaviour, and he needs to start pulling his weight with the kids too, they are his kids as much as they are yours and at the weekends you should be able to relax a bit more while he gets involved in their lives. Fair enough, if he is actually doing some work on the house, which is going to benefit family life, I bet you wouldnt have a problem with carring on the childcare, but he is behaving like a selfish git if he just sits there doing bugger all while you carry on around him.

No doubt he will say he is "stressed" and "depressed" and you "pushed him", but that is bollocks and he is just making excuses if he says any of that.

Miggsie · 14/05/2011 18:09

Yes, it is abuse.

It is likely to get worse...he acts like it didn't happen, and for him, it probably didn't.

Don't use stress as an excuse, many men get stressed, they don't do things like that.

Are you living in apprehension or fear or "walking on eggshells"?

Read this and keep it in mind: "walking on eggshells"

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 14/05/2011 18:13

Definitely abusive, sorry.

I doubt you can ever recover a relationship from violence, but I might be wrong. It would require genuine remorse and professional help on his behalf.

If it were me, I'd be gone by now.

BelleDameSansMerci · 14/05/2011 18:18

Yes, you are.

Mamaz0n · 14/05/2011 18:24

Stress will usually be the excuse trigger for the first act of violence in many occasions.

It is very very rare unheard of for abuse to reach violence only once in a relatiosnhip.

You can ask him to speak to someone about his anger and the way he behaves towards you. see if that helps the situation?

or you can ask him to leave.

or you can leave.

But what you absolutly mustn't do is to bury your head in the sand anbd hope that this doesn't happen again. to just pretend it was a one off and will just go away. It wont. it will only get worse.

Thomas1969 · 14/05/2011 19:14

I say its abusive. Most people would never dream of kicking anybody let alone someone they love. Once is once too many and a sign.

Original poster
Doingthedishes · 14/05/2011 19:26

Thank you i have read the tredding on egg shells link and i do have to admit it is as i thaught it was.
Over the years there has been many things such as him accusing me of sleeping with others ,having an argument just before i go out for a night so i have a rubbish time (i very rarely go out).
Him saying im at fault for expecting him to work 24/7 ,when all i do is the house and kids and he goes off to football etc doesnt even mention hes going .
I wondered if i was blowing it all out of proportion as some people are having a much worse time of it.

OP posts:
zikes · 14/05/2011 19:50

You're not blowing it out of proportion: throwing things, kicking you? It sounds like he's getting worse as well.

dizietsma · 14/05/2011 20:19

The Loser is also a good checklist.

Sorry to say that it does sound like your partner is abusive. Highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That, many MNers who have been in abusive relationships rate it. Also suggest you call and/or read the website of Women's Aid too.

Most people who have survived abusive relationships claim that the emotional abuse is the worst part of it, the bit that damages you the most, so don't minimize the damage his abuse does to you just because he doesn't physically assault you all that often. The behaviour around sex is the most troubling and indicative of how he abusing you, he's treating having sex with you as a right he has that you are not allowed to withhold as opposed to an intimate expression of your love for each other.

dizietsma · 14/05/2011 20:22

Also, to be clear, absolutely no amount of physical assaults is acceptable in a relationship ever.

Katisha · 14/05/2011 20:27

It may take you a while to wake up to all this - for years you will have normalised it. You will say "oh its not that bad, not as bad as other people", but that doesn't make it any better for you and your situation.
You should be in a relationship of equals, not a relationship where one has to pacify the other and shut up for fear of disturbing the uneasy peace.

RamblingRosa · 14/05/2011 20:31

Sorry OP. It does sound abusive. I really help that you can get some support. From MN, from Women's Aid, from friends/family.

Original poster
Doingthedishes · 16/05/2011 19:45

Hi, Well we spoke about what had happened and dh blames me and can't see he has done anything wrong.
I read a post earlier about a lady whos dh just carried on when she didn't want sex and mine also does this.
Is there anyway back from this?
Thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 19:50

the only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none

he has crossed a line by kicking you and making you fear him...from what I have experienced and read the vast majority of scenarios is that he will do it again

maybe not this week or this month, but he will

and once you start to accept that, he will start on the kids when they wind him up too

the sex thing is a red herring, IMO, if he hadn't had sex for 20 years it does not excuse his treatment of you

you must end this relationship, particularly since it seems he will never take any responsibility

he also rapes you, do you understand that ?

very large, waving red flags

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 19:51

sorry, I meant your low libido is a red herring

I wouldn't be able to find my libido either if I was living with an abuser

BestNameEver · 16/05/2011 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newfashionedmum · 16/05/2011 19:57

Oh Dishes, I'm really sad to read your posts. Especially this last one - he just carries on when you don't want to have sex? That is not an act of love. It is an act of dominance and disrespect.
Ask yourself - do you want your children to have relationships like yours when they grow up? If not - and I hope not - then it sounds like you need to find a way out. I don't know whether your DP can change but if he blames you it doesn't sound like it. I think he has big problems and its unlikely you can help him to change. Get the book recommended above if you need any more confirmation - but be careful where you leave it.
It feels strange to be so definate and give advice that's so life changing when I don't know eitehr of you - but the facts speak for themselves - I expect others will be even more forthright with you about what you should do.
Good luck.

Original poster
Doingthedishes · 17/05/2011 13:47

Hi, I'm coming to terms with the facts now and do agree it needs to stop .
What i 'm really struggling with is that people say abusers know exactly what they are doing and it makes me so sad to think this is the case but things have been happening throughout our relationship that i have just ignored/forgiven.
I feel like someone has died ,i have an appointment with the gp and am also taking some legal advice.
Thanks again

OP posts:
mum2stars · 17/05/2011 14:28

re abusive relationships- contact Womens Aid- they have all the support and courses to help you- I know Im on them at the moment.
Google the' Freedom Program' - theres stuff on you tube.
this control etc is about the man NOT you. give yourself time and be your OWN best friend! I wish I had been 10 years ago. Please dont suffer in silence () xx

Original poster
Doingthedishes · 19/05/2011 10:40

Hi, I have been to the drs and have got some councelling sessions sorted for me to clear my head.
I have spoke to husband and he can't understand why i'm so upset and thinks i shouldn't wind him up, doesn't see anything wrong with his actions.
Can i ask people in situations like this do they ever realise what they have done is wrong ? or will that never happen .

OP posts:
newfashionedmum · 27/05/2011 22:16

Dishes, it depends on the person - people who behave with this lack of respect often feel a sense of 'entitlement' and that they can do no wrong. Going for counselling will hopefully help you but it won't change him. However the changes you make to your reactions to him are likely to affect his behaviour - for better or worse. Or maybe worse for a bit then better when he realises he can't bully you anymore. Keep an eye out for this but don't let yourself carry on walking on eggshells - unless you are planning to leave and waiting for he right time.