Feel unloved

[robingofree]

i love my husband like a brother ; we have had no sex for 10 years ; don't ever hold hands or even cuddle ; it didn't bother me when the children were younger as my hands were full ; they are older now and I am starting to realize that it is important to have some form of physical relationship . It is as though my eyes have been opened ; my husband is emotionally controlling and I am now going out more with my girlfriends , bought new clothes , even straightening my hair ! I see guys looking at me and catching their eye ; it makes me feel alive again , I got a bit drunk last weekend after another row with husband and ended up kissing a guy I know down at our local pub ; can't stop thinking about him now ; am I going mad? I don't want a physical relationship with my husband as he has certain habits that are revolting and a complete turnoff . What do I do , remain a loveless marriage for the sake of my children who are teenagers ? Help please !

Remain in a loveless marriage? The clue, as they say, is in the question. If there's no love, can there be a marriage? You have a right to love, life and the pursuit of happiness.

No sex for 10 yrs??? I can only tell you about a good friend who went through similar (same amount of time) and is in the process of getting a divorce.

For me also, its a deal breaker. I would leave.

It got to solicitor stage recently instigated by me which hexwas cross about that I had dared go and find out about my rights tohis pension and lump sum of money ; I am waiting to see what he is going to do in a few weeks time when he retires ; he loves me very much but wants us as a family versus the world ; he is like a recluse and def suffers from that crd thing : don't know what to do really ; kissing this chap just highlighted all that I have missed

Did your friend have children a this is the only reason I am currently staying with my husband ( we have no fun at all and he is so moody the majority of the time and is constantly telling me out house is in a state although I work full time and have animals to look after; told me I was an unfit mother in a recent row

yes, two kids. But they are having an amicable seperation and agreed to joint custody. He spent a good amount of time trying to fix their relationship but once they were both honest with each other it was clear that they could not stay together. But they remain committed to making sure the children are parented as well as they can.

Has your Dh always been the way he is? He sounds depressed. Do you want to see if the relationship can be fixed... Does he want that?

My very very personal opinion would be to get out. Not simply because you clearly want a more physical relationship, but because 'staying together for the kids' is not a good reason to drag this out.

My reasoning is simply because my parents relationship was clearly (to themselves and most probably everyone else around) over around the time my youngest sibling was born (5 years younger than me) and yet it took them another 10 years to finally split up. I feel that this has tarnished my outlook on life/romance/etc - I'm so obsessed not to end up with someone that I'm not in love with that, at 26, I've had one 'serious' relationship (which lasted 6 months) and seem to be wistfully dreaming of some disney-esque happy ending that I know will never happen. This may not be solely related to my parents, but I do feel that in trying to do the best for us, they may have missed the point slightly.

So yeah; don't hold out for your kids' sake. They'll pick up on the lack of fun, the moodiness, even if you're making sure they're alays entertained and happy. Going it alone will be more difficult, even if your husband does his share of the childcare, but at the end of the day your kids will understand and will respect you more for having done it.

He has always loved me more than I think I ever did him ; I even had to initiate sex on our honeymoon which when I look back was rather unusual ; I don't want to fix the relationship ; I just muddle along at the moment just trying to keep the peace for the sake of my children and trying to find any excuse to be out of the house ; things have happened in our marriage which have made me question if my husband is gay / or neither interested in sex at all

10 years!!!!! Ye Gods! But apart from that he sounds quite mean. If he were a lovely bloke that you just didn't fancy any more, but were keen for your children to have two full-time parents, then I could see a good argument for staying in the family home and having a sort of co-parenting arrangement with maybe an 'agreement' that you could have other relationships - at least until the children were older.

But from what you are saying, there is not much to 'save'.

OP: there doesn't seem to be much to save, does there? You say, though, that you love him like a brother. I think the point is: has the love died altogether, or do you still love him like a brother ie do you love him, but in a sort of platonic, non-physical way? IMHO you are not going mad, love, - something is missing from your life - not just sex, but affection - not surprising that you are revelling in the attentions of other men!

Think tadpole is making an interesting point about co-parenting.

OP: Its time to be truly honest with yourself and admit that a sexless marriage is not acceptable to you. No one here would blame you for wanting to leave, for most people sex a fundamental need and if your partner is unable or unwilling or undesirous of fulfilling your needs (and i'm not only talking about sex) they have to understand that your desire to leave because of that.

The worse thing for me would be to expose my children to a model of marriage where the parents are miserable and unhappy. And FWIW my friends partner did finally have a revelation that they might be gay.... After years of mistaking a need for closeness with intimacy but having no real sexual desire at all. My friend remained loyal all that time but eventually pushed for honesty and now everybody is basically much happier because of it.

Good luck.

I can't believe there are people out there like you guys who make the time to respond - thankyou for your time ; really all I want is a guy to hold me close :; it's been so long to have even that ; I will be honest the thoughtvof intimacy now thrills me but absolutely terrifies me as I might be an absolute failure ; I am by the way accusing to my friends quite attractive but I don't see it anymore

robingofree: I think you know deep down that the marriage is over, and probably has been for some times. 10 years is such a long time to be so unhappy - I stuck with an emotionally cold, detached man, in a loveless marriage up until just over two weeks ago, when things happened that finally brought it all to a head. Every day, of the last year or so with him, was like a week - so how you've put up with this for 10 years is amazing. You're a lovely mum and have put the kids first. I stuck with my Ex because of the kids (4 teenagers). Believe me - teenagers KNOW far more than we think they do - I thought that they thought everything was ok. Now, as they reveal more and more, I understand that they realised how unhappy I was. I admire you for sticking with it for the kids - but they deserve to live with one happy parent (and believe you me, you will be happier) than a mum who is so unhappy and is not loved as she should be. Get legal advice (CAB is a good start) and ask him to go. You deserve so much more.

I think the reason you fear sex with someone is, is because he has made you feel that his coldness to you is YOUR fault - your problem - so your confidence in yourself is so low. You'll get this back, when you start putting yourself first. Understand that he is the one with the problem, it isn't your fault - you can't fix another person. Once I accepted this - I realised that I had to focus on me. It's hard for a mum who's always put her kids first to put herself first - but honestly, if you do this, your kids will see a stronger, happier mum emerge, and they will be in a happier, more relaxed home - and they will thrive.

Good luck

Thankyou for all your comments ; my husband is due to retire soon with a big pension and payoff ; I am playing a waiting game at the moment to see what he dies ; he has been promising me a new kitchen for years although I am not allowed a dish washer as that's for lazy people ; not allowed a cleaner even thoughvi work full time z- I look back in my marriage and countless times he has made our lives a drudge and made me feel everything is an uphill battle - is this a form if abuse ! He made a comment recently about me spending money my own ! On myself but he was able to go and buy a £13000 bike with me and the kids in a car where I can't open the drivers window as it is broken - I think he is mean minded, do people agree? Is it a firm if control ?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Something has kept you within this.

Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours; ALL that you have written re him in your last post is controlling behaviour. He bought a 13K bike but you can't have a dishwasher as that is for "lazy people"?. He's controlled you in all the usual ways such abusive men do.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your current H will be in those pages.

Your children are more aware than you think about him, they likely think he is a cold hearted and mean tyrant and wonder why you have put up with him for so long.

What are your children learning about relationships here; this current model is certainly not healthy. Do not stay for the sake of the children; you do not want also want them to think that you put him before them.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Ddamaging lessons to date have certainly been imparted here by both of you. This cannot continue.

When he retires he will be exactly the same if not worse than he is now.
I do not advocate leaving lightly but your marriage was over some considerable time ago. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. He will remain locked in his misery regardless; what he has done is drag you and by turn the children down with him. He is a very selfish and damaged individual. It is not your fault that he is this way, his parents likely did that damage.

I hope you do manage to get out, there is support out re leaving him. Womens Aid are also helpful.

It takes a considerable time to recover from such abuse and you may want to look into Womens Aid Freedom Programme as well.

remember robin - you will be entitled to half his pension if you split. I think Attila's advice is great.

How old are your children? As you will not be allowed to stay in the marital home if they are over 18. You will be entitled to half of any equity tied up in your home, as would he though, so if he moved out you would have to buy him out in order to be able to stay in it.

Can you get a mortgage to pay him off?

It might be that you could use his pension as leveradge i.e you forego a part of his pension in order to be able to keep the house.

You really do need proper advice though, it sounds like he would not leave voluntarily and it may be that you yourself have to leave and let the children decide where they want to live.

When he retires, being the parent at home, he can take over the bulk of the housework and child-related chores then, right?

Right?

?

My childre are 12 and 14 ; I have got legal advice and when i told him what I was entitled to ie two thirds his pension and half his payout he was livid ! Told me I should have gone for promotion to earn more money to contribute to the marriage even though I explained I had put my own career on hold and gave him two children ! My eyes are slowly being opened as to how controlling he is ; we went for coffee today and I tried to introduce interesting things to talk about ; got nothing in return just looks of complete what the he'll are you babbling on about looks ; so in the end you jet sit in silence feeling as though you are talking crap ! I am actually a reasonably intelligent person . He once said to me that he thrives on an atmosphere how sad is that ; hectold me recently that because o drink more than I should I was an unfit mother and that if I left the marriage and walked away from all we have he would tell the children it was all my fault. As I am writing all this I think god I really am in a controlled marriage but why haven't I realized this before ?

Controling abuse like this is often insidious in its onset. There were signs of control years ago as well but you did not pick up on it (partly because it is insidious and you've become so ground down as a result).

Do not give him any more details re any legal advice you have received or what you are entitled to. Tell what he deserves to know on this front - nothing.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Abusers as well can do nice/nasty very well but this is a continuous cycle and he now seems to be reverting back towards the nasty stage towards you.

It will not do your children any favours at all to witness such a controlling relationship as they will likely repeat these patterns themselves when adults by either being the controller or the one who is controlled. Leaving this man therefore will help them as much as it will you. Your children as well as you are being profoundly affected by this man.

I sincerely hope you find the strength within you to legally separate from this individual. It is not your fault he is like this, his own family made him that way inclined.

It is not and never is too late to leave.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

Another row ; about washing dishes which he insists the children do everynight like he had to as a child ; he is the product if an alcoholic father; having waited for a née kitchen for 10 years hexsaid necrotic consider letting me have a dish washer; I have noticed that as he is losing control if me he is trying to control the children more

Finally had the strength to say it's over and I want a divorce - horrible telling the children ; dh made me feel I had contributed nothing to the relationship even thoughvi have boight up two lovely children ; told me I didn't really know what I wanted etc ; first day of a new life x

Well done you, you'll have wobbles along the way, but just post on here and the lovely posters will help you through it.
I take it you are both still in the house? Do you know what your going to do practically or are you giving yourself a few days before you start on that.
How did the children take it?

The children were upset understandably; my son more so than my older daughter ; dh is suddenly really making an effort with our son ; male bonding stuff as though he is trying to win him over - does this manipulation normal in someone like this ? I don't know what I am going to do regarding staying in the house , can I ask him to leave ? What are my legal rights ?