I really don't know if I am being a cow re my DH

[TheProvincialLady]

I never post about my DH but something is really bothering me. A bit of background - my DH has asthma and is a bit sickly at times. He has just finised a atressful period at work. He has had a chest infection that has been lingering.

I feel sorry for him, being a bit ill, but he is driving me crazy with his constant talk about being ill. Every symptom. EVERY symptom, literally a running commentary. It is all he talks about.

He - actually his whole family - has a tendency to make a song and dance about every minor ailment and to expect huge amounts of sympathy for them. They all are hympochondriacs IMO and last week DH actually had me call an ambulance because his chest infection was so bad he thought it was pneumonia (he had it twice as a child). He looked terrible, was retching and shivering etc....but it turned out to be a panic attack and he had whipped up his symptoms into hysteria.

IMHO he is feeling a bit rough now but nothing he couldn't get over with a bit of rest and a more positive attitude. But he LOVES being ill, I'm sure. I have to do everything, look after the children, cook and clean and most importantly be constantly interested and sympathetic.

But today I have just had enough and I am snapping at him. I am tired of how long this sodding half illness has gone on for, I am sick of spending half the weekend keeping te children quiet while he is in bed in the mornings (which means we can't even get ready and go out), and I am sick of hearing about phlegm and how he feels. I am losing all respect for him. If it was a one off it would be one thing, but this is a regular feature.

I come from a family that is the total opposite of DH, to the other extreme. I can be a bit uncaring and intolerant of illness. I genuinely don't know if I am being a cow about this or not. What do you think?

Well having grown up in a stiff upper lip/for God's sake just bloody get on with it household, and having lived with a parent with cancer (who died), I would be just the same as you.

My DH is a slightly less extreme version of yours - stresses about any minor complaint, goes to the GP if his little finger feels a bit funny, etc. It drives me insane. And I've probably gone too far down the Tough Love route as a consequence of my childhood.

it does not sound like you are being a cow at all. On the contrary you seem incredibly patient and longsuffering

Really? I sound patient? DH would definitely disagree with you. It is hard to keep perspective sometimes.

I would have called him a pathetic big baby who should belt the fuck up long before now.

If that makes me a cow so be it. If you're ill, go to your bedroom, shut the door the curtains your eyes and your gob and go to sleep.

PS Moooooo!

Mum, is that you?

He sounds like my dad used to be. If he got a cold everyone had to know about it. It was damp towels, Vicks by the bucket-load, darkened rooms and call the vicar to administer his last rights. Total overkill.

Well, I don't think you should be keeping the children quiet etc, I think that's pandering unnecessarily. I also wouldn't listen to much complaining, just send him to bed.

If he's ill, fair enough, stay in bed out the way, but it shouldn't be affecting everyone else in the household as well.

Although that he wound himself up into a panic attack, does suggest he's got some issues.

I think you are being far too patient with him as well. :) I have a husband who reckons he had swine flu three times last year ( no, it was a slight cold you fecking malingerer).. Every ache is a severe pain, and dont let him get started about his bad knee... I just laugh at him now because oddly enough, when I insist he make a doctors appointment, he says he feels better.

I come from a family where we just got on with it. Rarely had colds, nobody had any allergies, and the only time my dad was ill, it killed him, but for the 60 years previous to that, he had been in excellent health.

I used to get panic attacks, but I just shut up and worked my way through them, and have never had flu in my life. I have no time for people who take to their sickbeds at the first sign of a sneeze!

But he LOVES being ill, I'm sure. I have to do everything, look after the children, cook and clean and most importantly be constantly interested and sympathetic.

Well there you have it. I attended a lecture on 'sickness behaviour', from what I remember of it (not a lot ) this is what your husband is exhibiting. People do it because they are 'rewarded' for it in some way, in this case by getting out of all responsibilities.

So don't allow there to be any reward. As zikes said, don't keep the children quiet. Allow it to impinge on you and them as little as possible. Do not do everything. Expect him to pull his weight and look at him uncomprehendingly when he does the back-of-the-hand-on-forehead-dying-duck routine. Show no interest. Tell him he's behaving like a hypochondriac and that you're not going to pander to it. Feel entitled to show no sympathy.

If this is how his family operated, being ill probably partially equates in his head with being cared for, and cared about. Tell him you love him but he's taking the piss, making you pick up his slack.

And yes, with the panic attack, suggest he gets himself to the GP to discuss hypochondria. Above all else, do not pander. If there is no reward, he may be able to change his behaviour.

You are not being a cow btw, just normal.

There is so muc to think about here, thanks everyone for your thoughts. I am still in two minds whether I really am just mean or acting as an enabler. I'm going to bite the bullet and provide no sympathy or assistance now (as I am sure he is okay, just tired from having been ill and the comedown from a very stressful time at work). But I am sure it will lead to an argument where I am accused of being nasty.

I have arranged to go out drinking tonight and have asked my parents over tomorrow, so even if he is still wallowing I am not bored and listening to it.

You are not being a cow, and I feel your pain I really do.
My dh is the same, as is his family. I did get him to talk to his GP at one stage as he thought he'd got rabies :o I know I shouldn't laugh, but it's that or gin to get me through.

Just to play devil's avocado, how well controlled is his asthma? I'm asthmatic and had two chest infections earlier in the year that pretty much laid me out flat. BUT I use my inhalers religiously, take supplements, good diet etc and do all I can to pull myself together quickly. If he's a bit of a slack alice when it comes to taking his asthma meds it won't help if he's dealing with an infection too. Also has he had - and taken - antibiotics or steroids? There's also a very good self help book called Breathing Free which teaches a way of breathing which can help asthma, and also panic attacks if he's over-breathing.

Otherwise, no I don't think you're being unreasonable. Turning a bout of illness into a three ring circus doesn't help anyone and I'm not surprised your patience is wearing a bit thin

He made you call an Ambulance as he thought he had Pneumonia.

I'm suprised he wasn't fined for wasting their time. I've had pneumonia and I felt terrible but I continued going to work, thinking it was just a bad chest infection. I got myself to the Doctors and recovered at home.

He needs a very stern talking to. Ambulances are for emergencies, not things a GP can deal with.

I would attempt neither to reinforce his behaviour by sympathising, nor by dismissing it.
Simply ignore it in a neutral fashion. If he moans, say nothing at all. Change the subject straight away. Make it clear you and the kdis will continue to lead your lives irrepsective of how he chooses to live his.

(He sounds like a pain in the arse btw. Peopel whingeing about illness are sooooo unappealing.)

His asthma is apparently pretty mild but he does take the medication for it. It was just the blue inhalor but now he has been re-prescribed the brown one too. When he gets infections he takes the antibiotics as prescribed. He was prescribed steroid tablets too this time (different GP). He also takes copious Lemsip, Vicks, Nurofen and inhales something called Benzoin - an essential oil. He does have a healthy diet and gets a reasonable amount of exercise but could do more to help himself. I will recommend that book, thanks.

Isla- rabies! DH convinced himself he had gangrene once. It was a paper cut.

Pm me if you need advice when he thinks he's got Dengue fever :o

And if yours gets Beri-Beri (enormous balls) do let me know

Well he has emerged from the bedroom and is not faking wan-ness, so that is a start. He has detected my change of reaction and I am going to tell him that continuining in this way is decreasing his sexual attraction. It is very off putting. And boring as hell.

In his defence, this is not a constant thing, more periodic. He has been ill and he has also been under an enormous amount of stress, which has made the illness seem much worse than it really is. Hopefully my change of tactic and threats will prevent this happening again.

The sex appeal is a good tool... I have used that a few times when he has got amorous... "oh darling, best not if you are so unwell" says I .... "I am feeling fine" says he..... as I said, malingering!!!

I can manage sympathetic tolerance for about 24 hrs. Maybe 48 if I'm in a really good mood. Anything beyond that they get a bag of OTC medications chucked at them, and are expected to get on with it.