Help needed, please. Any resources on how to deal with kids if divorcing but continuing to live together?

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I'm re-posting this in Relationships (also in Divorce/separation) ...

Can anyone recommend any books or resources that focus on guiding a family through a divorce where both parents have chosen to continue to live under the same roof, and who are then planning to live in close contact with shared parental responsibility? The divorce is amicable, but we know it's going to be painful and difficult too. It's the detail of it that we are tripping up on right now - who stays where, the impact on the kids, etc.. The children and their wellbeing are priority #1 for us.

TIA.

I have a bit of experience. At least on the impact on kids. I stress, its only my opinion. A divorce is always better than forced coexistence. Make sure you tell them what they need to know about both of your plans and dont stint in reaffirming that they are loved by both of you. I think living under the same roof with ex-partner is not a good idea but regular time together is. Dont get into badmouthing each other as that will do the kids no good. Make sure they know you and dad are ok with each other. Kids are very good at picking up bad vibes and blaming themselves for things they really have no control over and what gets planted in their minds, can grow with them into adulthood. Its great that you seem not to have any nasty bitterness between you. That will help your kids to be more relaxed about the whole thing. I don't think ive told you anything you dont already know.

Thank you, Thomas1969. It's good to get another point of view. We will be going ahead with living together unless things change drastically - at least until such time as we can find somewhere where we can have two separate residences in close proximity.

Because the separation is due to both of us realising that we want something else, i.e. that it is mutual, I think we probably have a better chance than some of working things out as we go along. We have always been very open and level-headed about talking things through. If that changes for any reason, then we'll think again.

It's the specifics that we're both wanting to deal with as best we can - most notably moving into separate bedrooms, and the impact that is going to have on the kids. I think we are going to have to tell them the truth from the moment that happens, and, as you say, reaffirm, and reaffirm some more, just how much they are loved, and to invite them to ask as many questions as they want and to allow them to feel what they feel about it.

I'm concerned we're not seeing some of the things that are going to arise. Oh well, I guess we'll cross all of those bridges, big and small, when we come to them.

Thank you again!

I get the impression you're all going to be just fine. Thank god for sensible people.

You do seem to have the children's best interests at heart and that will help everyone in the long run. Google parenting plans, lots of ideas on how to co-parent. The parenting guides tend to list areas to consider and can be useful to discuss upfront. Your children may react in different ways, mostly they will worry about the impact of the change however over time if they slowly get used to the different life and adjust well. Children tend to react if there is a direct impact on them - i.e seeing less of a parent, having a new partner move in, having to change schools, having to tell friends about the situation. If you can lessen the impact then they usually adjust well. I went through a divorce and my ex and I were as amicable as we could be. The mantra was genuinely what is best for the child. She is now a teen and reflects how positive we handled the situation. I am so proud of what I/we did manage, it did mean I had to be unselfish and let go of some issues but the outcome has been worth it. Keep bitterness out of the situation - even if provoked - get counselling/support if you need to and the 'prize' is the emotional health of your children.
www.helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm

How old are your kids?

I think it is all very much dependent on the ages of the children. Kids are very versatile, and if their parents are not screaming at each other, but handling things in a calm way without fighting and bitching, (as it sounds you are) then they will cope with it fine.

After doing an amicable split and living together for 8 months after separation here's my advice:

Take all emotion out of the split.
Every decision you make you have to justify to the children.
Don't see the children as more yours.
Let him parent his way.
Learn to bite your tongue

It takes time but you can do it.

Thank you, all! I have found a parenting plan; and all of your points are well taken.

We have two kids - our DS (4); and my DSS/his DS (6), who spends about three weekends a month with us. One of the reasons why we are choosing to live together is so that both brothers can be together when DSS has his weekends. Obviously we are only choosing this because we feel we are able to do it.

We're both in therapy.