Its been a slow painful decline but now I feel dead

[Gotitwrong]

together since aged 17......now mid 40's....3 kids....and feel dead!
many problems with H for many years but got much worse in last couple of years......wont bore you with the background as would fill many pages but basically had enough of the verbal, emotional abuse and just woken up to the fact that this is not the way to live.
Over the last couple of years the crime I have been punished for is as follows:
H feels unloved
H feels neglected
H does not get enough sex
H has no affection from me
I am an awful wife, I keep a messy house, I dont earn enough money, I am frigid, I think I am better than I am, I am an ice maiden, I dont pay H any attention, etc etc.
well the punishment has worked and I have now been reduced to a shadow of my former self. I am sad all the time, cry at anything, drink too much and basically can't even bring myself to look at H let alone give him any affection.
I am not perfect, never even suggested that I was but I loved my H and was happy looking after him, the children and our home. I was happy doing everything and the price I have paid for that is the fact that along the way I became guilty of neglected his more intimate needs and his way of dealing with the "neglect" was personal attack.
Been to councelling with not much success apart from the fact that H finally has accepted how truly unhappy I am. He is bending over backwards to show me love, help in the home, help with the kids etc and hasn't called me names for some months now BUT inside I am dead, I cringe when he cuddles me and kisses me, I cannot bring myself to have sex with him, I hate hearing his key in the door and wish I could just run away.......how can I fall back in love with him when all I can think about is the pain of the last couple of years...all the names I have been called and all the awful things that have been said?

To repair the damage of years of emotional abuse is going to take more than a couple of months of decent behaviour from your dh, so don't blame yourself for not feeling what you think you should.

Imagine a set of scales, on the one side is years of crap treatment and on the other is a couple of months of half-way decent. No way is that going to balance up. And nor should it.

If you want to stick with the marriage, then your dh has to continue to treat you properly and continue counselling jointly (& possibly separately as well), and maybe you'll eventually get loving feelings back for him.

But equally, it could be time to call it a day.

Who could blame you if you left him.

That is what I want to do I think......but when you have 3 kids the expression "leave him" does in a warped way make me smile :-)
I cannot "leave" him.....the kids are settled at school and can walk there from our home.....I can afford the mortgage payments on my own in this house but could not afford to rent somewhere on my own as rental property is soooooo expensive locally and on paper I do not earn enough to pay the rent :-(
I would need him to leave which is something he has told me he will never do....his home....his kids etc etc.....he is going nowhere!

You have to make him leave, tell him every day how he needs to leave, don't do a thing for him, no food, no washing, NOTHING. If he ever has cause to go away on a trip for any reason, get his stuff together and send it to a mate's house or his parents.

This guy won't change, you know that, we all know that. why would he? why would he give up his right to have someone to crap all over to make himself feel good? why would he suddenly be polite to you, kind to you, caring of you, that'd be WORK for him to do!

Read Why Does He Do That, keep posting and eventually you will get there. You can afford to stay where you are, he needs to go.

Can't you apply for an occupation order?

Get some legal advice. There are ways out.

he's in the nice phase now, trying to reel you back in, but the respect is gone and now resentment is taking over.

GIW,

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

What are you both teaching the children about relationships here and particularly if you were to remain within this abusive relationship?. This relationship is dead in the water. Joint counselling was and is a complete no-no given the ongoing nature of his emotional abuse; this is because he would want to dominate all the sessions and make it all out to be your fault.

Striking out on your own will be hard but it will harder still to remain within this and you will be further crushed. This man is quite happy to drag you and the children down with him. So far he has succeeded. Telling you he'll never leave is also deliberate, a veiled threat and designed to keep you in that hole he's dug for you.

I would seek legal advice if you have not already done so (some solicitors do a free 30 minute consultation). He can still have a relationship with his children - if they choose to have a relationship with him that is. They may well despise him and wonder why the hell you never left years ago. If you were to stay with him they could well wonder why you put him before them and why you never left. If you were to reply, "well for you, your school was within walking distance" they will call you daft. They have seen an awful lot with regards to you two in their young lives; the effects on them may not now be apparant until adulthood or when they are in relationships themselves. It takes years to recover from such abuse and Womens Aid Freedom programme would be helpful to you.

I would also speak to Womens Aid if you have not already done this.

Your H doesn't deserve your love and although he seems to be 'trying' to make an effort with you it's only a matter of time before his abuse of you will come creeping back.

Also, just because he says he won't leave does not mean he can't be forced to. He has a responsibility to provide a roof over his children's heads. Please go and get some legal advice.

Time to get your life back!

Also if you're on a low income, you'll be entitled to tax credits and possibly housing benefit/reduced council tax. Plus your dh would be expected to pay child support. Check out the 'entitled to' website.

Leaving yourself is a real option. A struggle maybe, but a step towards feeling alive and free and yourself again.

Sadly I don't know that anything he could do now can fix this. It's all going to be too little, too late. You can't play on broken strings. :(

If you want to give it one last attempt it needs both of you to truly want it, to be committed and willing to do anything. It doesn't sound like you are there (and please don't think this is a criticism, it's really not, I wouldn't be there either, I struggle to imagine how anyone could be in that place after so long of this treatment) - and he's most likely not there either. Couples' counselling isn't recommended in cases of abuse (emotional/verbal abuse is counted too) because it can make things worse. So where do you go from there?

If you do want to think about leaving, don't let practicalities stop you from thinking about it. There is a way out of any situation, there is help available. Is his name on the mortgage or just yours? Have you tried going to www.turn2us.org.uk (It's down at the moment but should be back tomorrow) and putting in your details to see if you could get some help in the form of housing benefit if you did have to rent? If you were to try and get your H to leave, mediation might help, or you could go down the legal route if you needed to. Do you think he would be open to rational discussion if you emphasise the point of making things as unstressful for the children as possible?

If you - yes you - decided that you wanted a divorce, then yes he would (eventually) very much be going somewhere.

It would take time but:

• the children would stay with you as you are their primary carer
• the childrens' right and need to have a home provided would mean that the majority of the assets would stay with you and them (either through the forced sale of the house and both of your buying somewhere smaller, OR the arrangement that you stay in the house and take on an increased mortgage, etc., he continues with mortgage and is entitled to sale of house and share of equity when youngest is 18, lots of other options - see a solicitor!)

You are married. You have made an equal contribution to the running of the FAMILY over the period of your marriage. He has been in charge of bringing in external money. You have sacrified career and pension, gone through pregnancy and birth, and brought up the children. He does not get to keep the money side all for himself any more than you get to keep the children side all for yourself if you split.

Not saying you should split, but do not be held back from ending the marriage through fear that you are stuck, financially.

It would be harder, but you certainly are not looking at a situation where you CAN'T end things because you can't afford to rent and he 'won't leave'.

His home? Ha, funny how that didn't come up when he was carping on about whose was the job of keeping it clean, eh?

If I were you I would continue with counselling with the aim of finding out what I REALLY wanted. Maybe staying in the marriage, maybe not...but doing it FOR YOURSELF. Stop thinking you have to try and work this out... you certainly don't owe him that after all he's put you through. And you certainly shouldn't stay 'for the kids' if it means you living a life of misery.

If the love has really gone, that's ok. And by the sound of it, very much not your doing. He would have to live with that.

Ever heard the phrase too little too late?

Even if it wasn't and you thought the relationship could be fixed (which you obviously don't want) how can you fix in a few months what has been gradually built in 20+ years?

Go to a solicitor and find out what you would be entitled to and what you maybe able to do with regards to housing, maintenance etc.

Go to CAB and find out what help you may be entitled to as a loan parent.

You may be surprised (although not as much as before the Torys got in but a whole new topic).

Children adapt.

What you are teaching them is that women in a relationship should just be emotionless drudges who is not entitled to happiness, love or laughter. That they are secondary to what any man in the relationship wants. Is this how you want your daughters to live until they are in their mid 40s and think it is too late? Is this how you want your sons to grow up expecting their partners/wives to behave and accept being treated.

You are doing yourself and your children a huge disservice by staying.

wow thanks for all the quick replies!!!!
I do feel rather pathetic really because although I feel like it is too little too late and I also feel like I have fallen out of love with him I do not despise him and feel really mean thinking about some of the options suggested :-(
I suppose my trust in him has been destroyed and I feel his words are empty and meaningless. He was cuddling me this morning, stroking my hair, kissing my cheek and calling me prescious but I kept thinking "no I am not prescious - you have told me how unhappy and lonely you have been in this marriage, you think I am a useless wife, you just want sex with me......he told me in front of our youngest that he loves me and she said "go on mummy tell daddy you love him too"..........
Couldn't say it....just couldn't......but likewise I don't hate him.
To say I am rather messed in the head is an understatement!

It's normal not to hate him, and to feel guilty - I know some of these options seem extreme. But, if you don't feel you can discuss the situation with him rationally, he's leaving you no choice. You can't live like this indefinitely. You can't - it's already destroying you :(

Herhissyness-I am sure what you advise OP to do to get her DP out would work, but at what cost-it would cause such conflict in the house. I would find that way too much to deal with, surely the kids would be affected by this?

Hope you have the strength to sort it out gotitwrong.

a brain, memory, heart and soul transplant might help me sort it out.........available on the NHS do you think?????

He is taking me out to dinner tonight!
OMG just do not want to go.......but he has organised the table, the babysitter........probably got some sexy new underwear for me too......

As I type the above paragraph I was thinking wow he sounds nice....would have been nice 20 years ago......

Get yourself some individual counselling.

Nothing you feel is wrong you need to understand why you are feeling it though and what you can do to make yourself happier whether that means staying or going.

It has been said here before, buying sexy underwear for your wife is not a gift to her, it is a gift to yourself. Think about it.

As for not being wooed by his current niceness, it's not just "too little too late" (which is perfectly natural btw); you would also be forgiven for doubting his sincerity. Maybe I'm doing the man a disservice, maybe he really has seen the light, but it all screams to me of persuading you to get back in the box. He spent two solid years being unpleasant to you, then when he found you were near the end of your tether he swapped it for treacley gestures and protestations. I don't blame you at all for not trusting the transformation. You'd be a bit of a fool to do so. Clearly he has mistaken you for that fool.

I totally endorse the advice you've had here about getting some legal advice as to how you could split up if you wanted to (there is absolutely no obligation to act on your findings, but knowledge is power).

He is manipulating you, this is cruel. Dunno about a transplant OP, an amputation seems less painful and far more likely to heal. A transplant still may cause rejection issues!

I know I am projecting, but sexy underwear? WTF?

HE'D BE WEARING IT before I would.

Are you still having sex with him? No judgement - I know I did - but if you are, you still need to do a lot of work on yourself.

I'm not sure I agree with the posts that say your h is being unfair or manipulative, it sounds like he is doing what he thinks he should do to show you that he loves you. It may not be the right things, and it may be too late, but hees probably not being intentionally bad.

The problem is that years of his previous behaviour has left you in a place where it difficult for you to love yourself, and until you can learn how to do this again, it's going to be difficult for you to accept love from him (even if that is what you want to do).

Are you still going to counselling? With him? On your own? Can you work with your counsellor to re-estabalish your own self-esteem and self-love. Your dh will be part of this, by continuing to show his support and love for you, by continuing to help in the house, and also by giving you enough space so that you can work out what YOU want to do in the longer term.

newname- no not having sex with him (actually have not for about 6 months) he finds this very difficult as I was going through the motions (I know, I know - how could I)?????? for many months during the height of the troubled times - I did it cos I was desperate to show that I still loved him, I was desperate to show that I wasn't all the things that he had said I was....but I hated myself for it.........
Now I am being honest with myself and with him too in that I have told him that I am not able to have sex, that I feel totally unconnected and totally withdrawn from him in that way......doesn't stop him trying though!!!
He does stop when I say no but I can tell he is not happy and thinks that this is the route of the problem. He has always been unhappy with our sex life even when I thought it was good before the troubles started. I know that I never really initiated sex but I always enjoyed it when we got going and we used to have very regular sex 2/3 times per week even when the children were very small.....quite an achievement I think when you have 3 young children and a career!!!!
Trouble is this was never enough for him and I find it very strange that when I remind him that this was frequent and fullfilling and he says that firstly we did not have sex that often and secondly it was not fullfilling it was boring as he had to initiate it and it would have been nice for me to have done so!
If he had been a more decent supportive H then maybe I would have had the inclination to be more vampish but when you are worn down with domestisity, career, kids and have very little help relationships start to struggle.
Incidentally when I have in the past asked for help H has said things like
It's womens work just get on with it (which he denies saying)
That is what mums/wives do (denies saying it)
that doesn't need doing / your only asking me for help because you resent me
dont try and manipulate me
Correct me if I am wrong but would you want to sleep with a man like this?
Apparantly I am the weird one and everyone else is at it like rabbits.....
So maybe you can see why I feel nervous about the big change....is it for real....has lasted a couple of months which is good but how long will it take my mind to forget the past and move on in a positve way?
Will look to renew the councelling but on my own.
Thanks - sorry about long post :-(

Hi Gotitwrong, so much of your OP echoes my own life, that I had to write.

I had enough a couple of weeks ago, and booted X out. Like you I'd been put down, criticised, etc for a long time. There were other issues too (there's a thread of mine if you want to read it for more background, I was given some amazing advice on there and it may help you). I have 4 kids all teenagers. Married for 22 years.

You can do this - the trouble is, that your self-esteem is rock-bottom, because it suits him to have a wife with low self esteem. I think your marriage is over - but only you know deep down what you want.

If you want out - you can do this. You and kids stay in the family home - you will manage. It's scary, and takes guts. But your kids need a happy mum - they need a good role model who respects herself - so that they respect themselves. If they don't know now, I assure you they will in years time realise that your marriage is not a good marriage - they too will feel the effects of this.

Take small steps at this stage. See CAB - then see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You may be able to get half hour free - and may qualify for legal aid. Go on tax credits website and fill in the calculator, as if you were single now - you'll get an estimate of what you would be entitled to if he left.

He says he won't go - well, see a solicitor and they can explain just how he will have to go if you decide the marriage isn't working.

It's liberating for me and the kids - and it's only when you're no longer living under a cloud, and feel a prisoner at the mercy of a cruel man's moods - that you find yourself (and happiness) again.

I have one regret though - that I didn't do this a year ago.
Good luck.

Re sex, mine used to say all of that, but in the end, when he was trying to get me back on side as it were, he told me it was the best sex he ever had. Not denying him that, but the anti comments are to subjugate you.

It's all manipulation and techniques

I can see alot of this advice is so black and white "JUST LEAVE" doesn't seem like a practical solution because of your kids but sweet heart he is manipulating you. Look at your posts you are questioning yourself which is exactly what he wants. I'm sure on the surface he is trying to be genuine but underneath it all he just wants to control you. You may think that ending the relationship will be harmful to the children but kids soak up so much you could be doing more harm than good by keeping up appearances.

You deserve better. You are focusing on what you don't want right now but try and focus on what you do want. Love, support, honesty. A man who doesn't make your skin crawl. You deserve these things.

But be honest with yourself do you really want out? or do you really want to make another go at it?