Still Heartbroken!!

[feelingheartbroken]

I last wrote I think back in March when he first left. Its now eight weeks since he went and I feel that me and DCs have come on a long way in the scheme of it all. It just still gets to me that he's so mean and aggressive still. He's the one thats gone off with OW now living with her but he still won't give DCs the address - says its the woman that doesn't want him to as she's scared. He didn't get them an easter egg. It doesn't matter that they're teenagers it would have still been nice. When he phones he shouts me down all the time and now he's advised that she doesn't want him to speak to me as she feels threatened! He says he's suffering because the DCs won't text him back. They still don't want contact with him and say they never want contact with OW. I'm sure it might change in time but there again sometimes I think he might have blown it! He's got history of having done this before so don't hold out much hope really. I do try and encourage the contact but he never listens - he always knows best! Not sure how its going to go when finances are discussed. He and OW are so self absorbed think I'm going to have a fight on my hands. I can't believe we were together for 20 years - how can it go so wrong? How do I stop being affected by his behaviour so that we can get on with getting on? Any advice would be greatly received. You all made me feel better last time. Thanks.

20 years is a long time, yoiu can't expect to be hover him in a matter of months.

Yes, he does sound totally self-absorbed, but that's probably his cowardly way of dealing with his guilt until the dust settles a bit.

As awful as this situation is now, it won't always be like this.

You can't force him to see the children so I wouldn't continue trying as it is obvious how much it upsets you.

Don't blame yourself for what he did.

Let me give you some perspective as a child who not so long ago went through this. Your kids love you, and they hate their dad for what he did to you, but leaving you is also a symbol of him leaving them, and he's not correcting their view by trying to change it. When he decides he wants to be a dad he'll be received with caution, and eventually with love, but until he decides to do that, you trying to keep things alright between them is going to make it all worse. My mum tried so hard to keep my father involved in our lives, and it mucked things up far more than it needed to be. I'd also cease contact with him as much as possible, if he's doing that who knows what other BS he'll pull. Not sure how your system works there, but keep all contact in written form such as email if possible, and through attorney's or arbitrators or whomever beyond that.

I think it'd b strange if u wern't affected ay what he has done. My guess is he will be onto yet anuva woman soon coz he don't know what he wants. 20 years is a long time. You seem more 'together' than i wud b

Hi heartbroken

Read your post. I think braidedsilver has a really good view here. Children get to the age whereby they can make their own arrangements to see the absent parent, and if they're angry and hurt they'll naturally not want to see him, although they may secretly wish for their D to be back and not being such an arse.

He's doing a number on you. Clumsily absolving himself of his responsibility for repairing the relationship with his kids, trying to make it yours, and then putting his OW between him and you to take the blame when he doesn't rise to the job - what a cowardly and supremely selfish man.

You are well rid of him. Let your DC's make up their own minds when and how they want contact because you can't force it and they won't thank you for it if you keep trying.

From now on, maintain distance from him, don't have any contact with him unless it's absolutely necessary to sort out finances etc. See a solicitor for some preliminary advice on your rights re the house, maintenance and mediation to discuss things with him with a third party - and don't mediate until and unless you're ready.

Relationships go wrong for all sorts of reasons OP, but your H made a choice to do this and it's not your fault. Trying to think about how you can get on with him may be setting yourself up for the unachievable right now - up to now he's had all the cards, you are still shocked and confused, and what you want now may not be want you want in a few weeks, or days even.

It's natural to want to escape the hurt by trying to figure out where it all went so wrong, and it's natural to want to escape, full stop. But if you can stay with it and allow yourself just to accept this is going to hurt and you may not get the answers you are looking for, particularly from him, you will make your own sense of the why's and wherefores, and that's the most important thing for you to do.

You know this is a good place to come and get support and very good advice. Use it and it will help, I promise you. And look after yourself.
x

I feel for you. My DD was 17 last Jan when my DH went off after discovering his continued affair (he'd "sworn on DD's life" to her that he wasn't, I took him back when discovered he was, then again). She has a relationship with him of sorts, but despises him for what he has done to us both.

She is an adult now and makes her own choices in life with regards him and his family (who most of shunned me - and her for a few months which was unforgivable in my book).

Just concentrate on yourself and your kids - forget your DH, he's not worthy of any more thought than what you have to settle financially for YOUR future.

I was with mine for over 22 years and it's just beyond comprehension how life can suddenly be changed - that horrible feeling of everything being totally out of control. But you know what, life gets a hell of a lot better. It REALLY does. There's just a lot of adjustment to be made for you and your children. They're with you, you are a family. It's his loss. He will realise, at some point, what he's lost - but it's too late.

Good luck - take care of yourself and holler if you need to talk, chat, drink cyber coffee or whatever.

You are way stronger than you can even imagine
~x~

I'd drop contact with him, other than via email and only for vital stuff. Explain he will have to maintain contact with the dc himself.

Your children are teenagers, they know how to contact him: tell them it's up to them and their father.

Take a big step back.

OK, my dad did this, but he was nice to us all after he left. One thing he did do in common was never to stand up to the OW WRT his children. She prefers if we never existed, and he didn't rock the boat.

Yes they are self absorbed, such is the nature of an illicit affair, it creates a little private, secret bubble.

Please be kind to yourself, this is an almighty shock and not one that you will get over in 5 minutes. You will get over it though. I promise.

Right, let's get started...

he still won't give DCs the address - says its the woman that doesn't want him to as she's scared

FINE, that's his problem, not yours, and certainly not your DC. Tell him if he doesn't fight to keep the relationship with his kids right now, it'll be down to him that they won't be bothered. I somehow care a lot less for my dad, because he never fought for us. I was 16, they were married almost 22 years.

When he phones he shouts me down all the time and now he's advised that she doesn't want him to speak to me as she feels threatened!

Don't EVER allow him to address you with anything less than respect! Hang up on him every single time he raises his voice to you, or if the conversation goes somewhere designed to make you feel bad. Keep this up until he learns to speak to his betters with the respect they deserve. He is not worthy of your time, you are doing him a favour in talking to someone with morals as low as his.

He says he's suffering because the DCs won't text him back. They still don't want contact with him and say they never want contact with OW. I'm sure it might change in time but there again sometimes I think he might have blown it!

Boo fucking hoo! Unless he stands up to this creature*, he WILL lose them. Be really clear on that. He needs to understand that not giving them his address, not giving them an easter egg, not treating his mother with respect and not fighting to make sure they know he loves them is exactly how he WILL lose them. Up to him. He needs to MAN UP.

If he can't treat you with respect, then tell him to formalise it all through email only and go for a divorce. That ought to scare the shit out of him.

*btw, entirely possible that the OW is being blamed totally without foundation.

I only text my X now.
I was horrified he was going to stop seeing the children 4 and 5 yo.
I put myself under a lot of stress because I watched him turn up like dad of the year ,minimum effort ,not see them again for 6 weeks ,then appear again and fill their heads with nonsense.It really irritated me how he could put their emotional stability at risk .
Anyway best thing I ever did was to opt out of any arrangements.I've let it go now,if he wants to be a father its up to him.
If sporadic visits continue and it affects the kids ,sol says I can stop visits.
Thanks braided silver for ur post.
I have now handed all responsibility re visits over to X.
Previously I turned myself inside out trying to make it work,just like my marriage.
Eventually the penny dropped that the real reason he didn't see the kids was he is a selfish bastard that has an excuse for everything.

Thank you so much to you all - a couple of you have reduced me to tears but thats OK. Your opinions are much appreciated.