Angry, upset, confused and scared (long and rambly, sorry)

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DH got the weirdest phonecall today. In a round about way, his dad has found out that DH's exW - the mother of his eldest 3 DCs - is unwell. Could be very serious, even terminal.

It transpires that she was told four years ago that she had a pulmonary disorder and that if she didn't stop smoking she could be dead in six years. She still smokes. She actually used to tell their DDs that she needed to smoke or she would die. They've only just stopped believing this, at age 13. She hasn't told anyone except DH's mother, who she is very close to. My DSCs don't know, and neither did DH until today.

That is, if it's true. ExW was very manipulative, and emotionally abusive to DH when they were married. To complicate matters further (!) DH never speaks to his mother due to his terrible childhood (abuse which was never discovered by authorities) - I've never met her, though she has tried getting in touch and doing the injured neglected mum routine. She could be lying to try and get a rise out of DH - she is saying she will look after the DCs if the worst happens to exW - no fucking way. His mother has also told his sister, who is already moving her house round to accommodate the DDs (WTF?!) - again, his sister - who he's just started to build bridges with after barely talking for years - didn't tell him.

So, we are kind of hoping it's some sick joke from exW or DH's mother... Because what if it's true? What if she's seriously ill and she didn't tell DH, or their DCs? Don't they deserve to know? She gets sick a lot. What if something bad had happened already and nobody would have expected it. She's made no plans for the DCs (of course they'd come to us but ATM we are in a tiny 2 bed with our 2 toddlers) or prepared us and them for the fact they may need to live with us. She's always said to DH that she doesn't love the twins (they were separated before discovering the pregnancy) - but surely she could make arrangements?

I don't really know where I'm going with this thread. My mind is going a mile a minute. DH is somehow holding it in until he sees her next - they are meeting next week again to discuss DSD's schooling, and he's going to have to ask if it's true. I hope it isn't. But I'm scared she will lie because she doesn't want the DCs to know. What if it's true and she's just burying her head in the sand.

FUCK. What if they are losing their mum and they don't even know it. Nobody deserves that. They will be so hurt and angry. It's not fair.

I don't even know why I'm posting. Sorry, just had to get it out.

I'm a regular BTW - been on MN over a year under various guises (maths and psychology related, but please don't put my old names on this thread)

How should DH approach this with his exW? WTF is he going to say without really upsetting her? :(

he has to say that he has heard that she has a terminal illness, that he would like to support the children through this and if necessary make arrangements for the future.

Yes, I'm hoping that's what it is BNE. But she's always done the exact opposite - playing down the health issues - maybe it was a way of hiding the truth :(

I've warned DH he'd better be tactful - to be sympathetic, and offer help like Fabby suggested - but it'll be hard for him. He's quite upset, it's stirred up a lot of issues for him.

Look, there doesn't seem any point in getting so het up about what is at this stage just gossip and rumours from unreliable sources.

You are actually extremely removed from all of this.

This is about your DH's ex wife. You have never met his mother. He is estranged from his sister. You have heard very, very bad things about all of these women from your husband.

You are, it would appear, hearing everthing at 2nd or 3rd hand via your DH, so you are not in a position to actually judge for yourself what is going on.

If ExW and MIL were abusive towards your DH, and are presently in cahoots with each other, it would seem unlikely that either of them are reliable witnesses. His estranged sister seems to be involved somehow, and you have been told they are all manipulative and over-dramatic.

I would suggest the best thing you can do to help your DH is stay absolutely calm until you know for certain what is happening. Your FIL may well have got the wrong end of the stick, be-over-dramatising, or just stirring things up.

Don't panic just yet. Like BestName says - no-one gets given precisely 6 years to live etc. Lots of doctors tell you to quite smoking or else....

Ah yes it seems terminal is the wrong word sorry. Diagnosis 4 years ago was COPD (having read about it, and knowing her, this seems very reasonable) so chronic but with a wide range of possible prognoses. It ain't pretty reading though :( And fairly understandable the dr told her to stop smoking. She's got a shadow on her lung which she's having more tests for. I guess that's more recent if it's true at all.

Recently she stopped their DD from going to an extra-curricular activity involving an anti-smoking campaign. She was all excited but exW said at the last minute that she was not allowed because she would be rubbing it (ie anti-smoking propaganda) in her face. WTF.

Yes mrsF, I've heard very bad things indeed. All things considered, DH has had a pretty shit life really, and it all seems to be coming back to kick him at once ATM.

i the worst comes to the worst somehow you will cope, just before christmas my husbands ex partner died very suddenly (she was wrapping christmas presents the night before) totally unexpected she was only 43, and we had to make some drastic decisions very quickly, now stepdaughter lives with us, oldest lad wanted to live with her mom not his dad and youngest one is at college during term time as he is at residential specia lneeds college and stays at ours during holidays, yes it is hard and crowded but they are his children and they need thier dad so we cope

Interesting development...

DH's sister just texted him saying "omg I'm so sorry, dad just told me about exW being ill, let me know how I can help"

Erm... So the fact you told him in the first place is irrelevant then?

Bugger. I was really starting to like her, and DH was starting to move past the issues he had with her, and now she's stirring and lying.

I agree with Mrsflittersnoop - sit tight until you get your facts straight from the horse's mouth. What if she's got a terminal illness but continues to live for another five or ten years? DCs will be up and out then, it will have no effect on your lives directly.

There seem to be a LOT of chinese whispers going on. Does DH have parental responsibility?

I don't really know if he does - what does it mean legally?

And yes, Chinese whispers a-plenty! whatever the truth is, somebody is lying.

I'm not sure but it MAY mean that if he does not have parental responsibility his DCs will not be able to be cared for by him IF mother dies. But please find out for yourself I don't want to give iffy advice.

You really should know whether your DH has parental responsibility for his children - it's a very important legal status.

Certainly nothing has been mentioned about not having it - is it something to do with the birth certificate? He's done all the usual parenty stuff. They went through the courts in a custody battle (he lost obviously :() - they had a formal arrangement for access so presumably if they were taking PR away that's the kind of thing he'd remember?

Oh have looked on directgov and according to that, he does as they were married when the DDs were born and is on the birth certificate

What happened after the custody battle - what was the outcome - I think a sole custody decision would over-ride Parental Responsibility resulting from marriage...

Well he went for full custody and lost, he ended up with access arrangements. He didn't have his own place then. Got us worried now, but a bit more googling came up with this:

"Parental Responsibility does not end just because parents divorce or no longer live together. Even if there are formal orders regarding contact or residence, Parental Responsibility continues within the limitations imposed by these orders."

Anyway... DH spoke to exW today. It's all true. She's waiting for a biopsy to see what the shadow is. :(

So in efect she doesn't know what it is/what is going to happen.
COPD can be very serious just as a shadow can be a bad sign.
However, it doesn't automatically means that she has just a few months left to live.
On the children's point of view, I can understand why she wouldn't tell them if she doesn't have yet an official diagnosis. In a case like this, I would probably wait too to see exactely what it is and then tell them. She is happy to keep your DH in the loop and let him know what is happening which in very good because then you will be able to plan ahead if need be.

Yes, she was not upset or angry that DH has found out. And DH didn't show any upset about not being told earlier - just said we will do anything to help etc.

Regardless of the shadow thing, the doctors have told her it is very likely she will end up with an oxygen tank in the future because every year her lungs get a lot worse.

I do understand why she's kept it to herself - it was just a bit of a shock especially the way he found out. I really don't cope well with 'not knowing' things... A million times worse for her though of course. :( It's so scary, and the NHS is being very slow.