Leaving Checklist

[rhoobabble]

Hello, i was wondering if anyone could help. I have decided to leave my partner / remove him from our house as soon as sensibly possible. He is emotionally abusive and i've basically realised i just dont like him anymore. I would go yesterday, but the house we're in is not mine (his and his mums) , we own a house we cant shift jointly, and we only moved 300 miles last august, so our kids 3, 6 and (mostly) 9 have already been dirsupted but have settled wonderfully in our unfortunately lovely and expensive village. i am looking to rent, improve my money and prepare myself mentally before i leave. if i gets horrid or scary i will go, he has hit me too. but if anyone has done this can you let me know how they prepared or how to handle it - is there a to do list?. My mum and dad are supportive but old and would do anything to help, my mum says she would be devastated if i left with the kids, because of the upset it would cause the kids.

Thanks so much.

also - have i the right to stay in the house. i dont want it for any financial reason its just that it would provide continuity for the kids and im not sure he can afford the upkeep anyway on his wages xx

Initially it is the finances you would need to sort out, I've seen Womens Aid recommended a lot here.

Ensure you have enough money to pay a deposit of a months rent, and a month in advance, if you will have to get benefits make sure the rental property accepts housing benefit tenants.

Be prepared to not get any money from your partner and have to go to the CSA.

If you already own a property together consider seeing if you can get this on the market and sold.

You do not say if you are married or just living together and it does make a difference when it comes to money.

If you are moving out of the area, consider looking into schools for your children to relocate to.

we're just partners, funnily enough i always had a niggling doubt. wedid try to sell when we moved but we couldnt, its let and the rent pays for it, but the cash would be useful towards a mortgage!

The first thing I would do is make sure all of your children's passports/birth certificates or any other important documents are kept at your parents or a friends house. I would try to stash as much money as I could, obviously without your partner knowing, and again let your parents look after it.

I would also keep a diary detailing as much as you can about your partners abuse towards you, but as you say if you are scared go immediately, or get him removed from your home.

Honestly, when you do make the break both you and your kids will eventually feel so much happier!

Good luck

The first thing I would do is ring Women's Aid and ask to meet with a floating support worker. They will help you with everything and you will feel empowered having the support. You will be totally supported whilst still living with him right up until you are able to leave. You don't have to go through this alone, there is wonderful help and support out there for you x

yes,take some advice from womens aid as this is the most dangerous part of leaving an abusive relationship.

what i found help me,was in my head,visualising each room and having a good think about what i wanted to take/keep......detaching mentally from my home and belongings bit by bit. it worked for me. 7 years on everything is replaced and life is much easier.

I did this last year. I asked my ex to leave and luckily for me he did. There are other ways and means to get him to leave if his is abusive and Womens Aid can help with that.

Once you have decided the relationship is over and you have told him that, put in a claim for Income Support and Tax Credits. Your claim will get followed up if your DH has not left the home and it is up to you to prover the relationship is over but you can still claim. Also claim for Council Tax Benefit and any other benefits you might be entitled to.

You do have a right to stay in the family home but can you afford it? Though it is worth bearing in mind that any maintainance you get will not be deducted from benefits so that does help.

Basically, you have to tell him and mean it and make it happen. Best thing I ever did, good luck to you xx

From DVIRP website;

What you can do in advance

Put together a list of phone numbers. Include friends, relatives, local police, Women's Aid, support workers, etc. Do not rely on numbers being stored in your mobile phone. Even well known numbers are forgotten in a panic. Keep the list with you, or put it somewhere safe that is easily accessible.

See if there is someone who lives nearby who you can tell about the abuse, ask them to call the police if they hear unusual disturbances at your house or anything that
concerns them.
Try and save some money for travel costs.
Get an extra set of keys cut for the house/car. Keep keys, money, documents & clothes for you and your children packed, so that you can get away quickly should you need to.
Think about where you could go, it is useful to have a couple of options.
How would you get there?
Talk to the children so that they understand and can help/co-operate in an emergency. Teach them how to dial 999; even if the phone is left off the hook the police can still trace it.

Womens Aid Handbook including leaving plan

i do need to do this, i am so scared, but imust.

It is scary sweetheart but you know what, it's the thinking about it that's the scariest part. I left my abusive ex last year and moved to a refuge. I had thought about doing it for a long time before I actually did it and I was petrified but it wasn't a fraction as bad as I had imagined it would be. Women's Aid helped me every single step of the way, they did my thinking for me, they were wonderful. Honestly, you would be doing yourself a massive favour by confiding in them.

Good luck xx