Financial abuse? Or just him being flakey?

[misty75]

If someone lives with you, and you both work, and all the bills (utilities, mortgage, c tax etc) are in your name and come out of your bank account so you only have about £50 left each month, and only gives you money when you ask for it, and then only £20-30 each week, which goes on food and bus fares etc, and meanwhile pays his ex twice what the CSA would estimate as fair,

when you have already spent your life savings on paying 6 years of income tax arrears for him and negotiated on his behalf to avoid prosecution for tax evasion, when he goes on to fail to pay his ongoing tax and allows you (because you are worried) to take out a credit card and pay it off again for him, and then doesn't help you pay it back,

when you are unable to accept any social invitations or buy any birthday or xmas presents for family without using said credit card, and when you go out with his friends and he makes it obvious that he is buying every drink/meal etc whilst you can never make plans to see your own friends due to never having any money, is this financial abuse?

He is my ex now of course but it took 2.5 years to kick him out after trying and failing to explain all this to him, he never seemed to understand what my problem was. I'm trying to make sense of all this now (as well as deal with my debts, 3 years ago I had 12k in savings, now I owe about 6k and have no savings.)

is that financial abuse? opinions welcomed

dunno if it's financial abuse, or if it's just taking the piss you for a mug, it certainly clipped your wings though didn't it?

Well done for getting rid. I hope you can continue to dig yourself out of this mess he made for you.

Try not to beat yourself up, we all make mistakes. at least your are out of it now.

It sounds like he took advantage of you and you let him.

Never ever get into debt for someone you are with, if you are married you get joint debts never ones in your name only.

Love the new thing that is "Financial abuse."
I wish someone would throw money at me.

thats kind of along the lines of what happened to me; husband refused to give me his fair share of the bills which meant whilst I earned nearly double his wages I was left with no disposable income and he was left with plenty for fancy phones/ clothes/ out every weekend etc. I also ran up credit cards to pay bills and have any kind of life/ clothe kids. He borrowed £3K and then swore that I said he didnt have to pay it back

I always thought that financial abuse would be if a man didnt allow you to work/ kept all the money he earned and gave you an allowance- but I DEFINITELY feel abused. I am also trying to figure out if it is actually abuse- the more I read about the subject, the more I would say yes.

If this was a loan and you believed that you would be paid back I don't understand how your relationship ending matters. Can you not make a claim through the County Court for repayment plus interest?

This happened to a friend of mine (they weren't married but he still fleeced her for nearly £30k)... It's so easy for it to happen. You want to believe that the person you love is trustworthy and is not lying to you or taking advantage and so it goes on and on.

I think he's really taken the piss. I don't know the definition of financial abuse - I thought that was more about witholding money and using it to control one's partner?

I think you're well shot of him, frankly.

thanks everyone for replies, hissy and fabby it is great to have some understanding, bejeezeus it sounds like you were in same kind of boat as me, past tense sounds like you have also thankfully got away, I agree, it makes you unsure, classic financial abuse is when you are not allowed to work, or forced to claim benefit illegally etc, I know it has not been that bad for me (in this relationship) but still feel used and it is really helpful to hear others' views to help come to terms. It sounds awful what your ex put you through as well, please rant with me if u like, cd be fun

Chris, I stupidly trusted him and did not ask him to sign anything, the initial outlay for his tax was a gift, the following payments on cc were supposed to be a loan, but would be hard to prove in County Court as he could defend my claim and say that was also a gift, no of course our relationship makes no difference to that, i was just stupid to get nothing in writing.

bitofthisandthat, please elaborate? Of course it could be nice to have money 'thrown' at you, but why would you like the idea of financial abuse, or feel that it is a new idea?

I think she is saying that sometimes it is abuse and sometimes it is making poor decisions and choices

thanks belle and hecate, am well shot and it probably wasn't actually abuse, just bad decisions on my part. am moving on now anyway. just wanted opinions to help me make sense of my anger about situ.

cheers all : )

I don't think the lack of signed agreements makes any difference. Why would you gift money when you both work and he had no means to pay considerable arrears while you did. There was no incentive for you to gift this money and I think you could demostrate to the Court that it was a loan and should be repaid with interest.

chris even if i got a ccj against him, and if he bothered completing the 'admission and offer' part of the form, he would fill in the means to pay section and now that he has his own place (room in shared house) and bills he would be able to show that he can only offer £1 per week I guess. it would be pointless, it would cost me more to do that, he is s/e so no attachment to earnings is possible, and even if i wanted to be mean and ask the county court bailiffs to levy on his goods, he has no goods apart from a few bits of hifi equipment that would be worth nothing after the bailiff fees. thanks though x

I believe the technical term is "greedy bastard".

OK your call - County Courts work on balance of probabilities so I'm sure you could make a strong arguement. There are companies that will buy debt with a CCJ attached

I agree with Chris on at least attempting to recover some money. I could add stop making yourself a victim by doing that?
I don't know if it's financial abuse, because you always had choice about what you did, and it doesn't appear that there was any threat attached to you not forking out the money. Well rid anyway!