Need help keeping relationship going whilst DH away with work for weeks on end!

[goingwiththeflow]

I know there are bigger problems out there than this , but I am finding it really hard.
We have a slightly complicated family set up with me and DH with our DD and my three kids from previous relationship and his older DS ( who doesn't live with us but visit as much as possible)
He has always worked away from home to a certain extent but since DD was born over a year ago it has been mainly four days away working in the UK three at home (mainly the weekends) meaning I could keep my Sunday job and time spent with kids etc all worked out okay (ish)

For the last six months it has been work outside the UK and for periods of 3 -6 weeks away at a time with a weekend home ( usually jet lagged) then back for another 3 to 6 weeks.

I feel we have no 'proper' relationship just duty phone calls and emails and then when he is home it is (rightly so ) taken up with the kids then its a snatched evening or two (with jet lag etc ) and he is off again

Feel like we have two separate lives and meet in the middle occasionally ..I know I am not the only one who has to dea with this kind of set up so need advice on how to make it work am struggling not to fall into sulky moody wife at home mode !!

My Dh has been working out of the country for 6mths and comes back at the same frequency as yours. We've been out to see and stay with him twice, for 1 wk at half-term and 2wks over Easter.

Its tricky, initially we only talked or emailed every few days and we started to disconnect and it really bothered me. I wrote some heartfelt emails and we agreed that we had to make a better effort, both in speaking our feelings and being emotionally honest with each other, but we still struggled to find times when we could talk to each other properly for any length of time.

Anyway along with promising to email each other every day, even if about nothing, we skype and talk to each other via IM on skype every day. This helps a lot. When he is home i always get a babysitter so that we go out on our own at least once for dinner, and even if we don't talk about much its a date night and its important to carve out that time alone together.

But you need to tell him how you feel - say to him what you've said in your post!

Thanks for your reply ... this time due to the time difference when he is back in his hotel room I am up to my ears in the middle of bed & bath time so its usuallly a quick call before he goes to bed ( and he is not good at phone chat !)

I used to email all the time with , emails filled with 'nothing' what the kids were doing , how his veg plants were growing etc but it all seemed sooo boring that I stopped but like you say I suppose its all that that helps keep you connected so I shall start again tomorrow but will also tell him how I feel too

He is under a lot of pressure at work at the moment and I do not want to add to that but then on the other hand I think it would be so much better to manage on a lesser salary and have him here at home more ...

We have gone over this soooo many times about changing jobs but obv its easier said than done when you aren't in the country for an interview, currrent economic climate etc etc

suppose just feeling sorry for myself really ...will your husband be working away for six months at a time for the foreseeable future?

yes, the time difference is a problem we have, Dh is in the ME and 2 hrs ahead (3 in winter) and its just enough to be annoying. Our longest chats are on a weekend or we IM during the day when he's at work. I'm the one that actually hates talking on the phone tbh... I prefer email or IM... But we try to Skype every day, not always a video, often its just a call with the kids, and then later he'll IM with me, from his bed!

The current situation will continue as is until the end of July, then he's home for the entire month of August and we all move out to Qatar at the end of August. He is working for a start up and also working crazy hours - 12-14hr days, 6-7 days a week. So he has a lot of pressure too, but I really insisted that i was unhappy and it was hurting our relationship and he was forced to agree, that he has to make it a priority to stay connected with us...

Also once he understood that i wasnt expecting him to fix problems at home or that the reason i was unhappy wasn't actually because he was away but because i just needed to feel that he was still there and interested in us he relaxed and became much more receptive iyswim!

Good luck, I hope it doesn't go on for too much longer in your case!

yes we communicate better by email than by phone , have sent him an email saying that we need to make an effort to keep in touch more even if its just a few texts throughout the day and also told him how I felt ...so will see what that brings !

Good Luck with the move ! very exciting ! ... so what will your set up be , will you be living in a 'gated' community type place ?