JUST GRANDPARENTS!!!!!!

[arabella2]

Hello
Mine or should I say my ds's (my parents) are a pain in the neck. Of course they love ds etc etc and want to spend time with him. Ds really gets on with my Dad and this is great... I think it's important for children to know and have a good relationship with their grandparents, I have a nice memory of mine and I think added to your parents they are another "safe" place to be.
However, my parents are overwhelming when they come here. They are all over ds and no one else can really get a word in edgeways, constantly taking pictures of him and only him, their whole air is of people who are kind of "collecting their due" and have a "right" to time alone with their grandchild. MIL equally loves ds but does not behave in this over possessive way. My Mum is Italian and my Dad English. We are only speaking English to ds for the moment (dh is Gujarati) but recently my Mum has started speaking Italian to ds sometimes - never when she is in the same room as us, ds is 22 months and I think it's too soon for another language to be introduced but she seems to be obsessed with the thought that he should know a few words of her language. However with us (me and my sister she has only ever spoken English really, we used to sometimes speak Italian at the weekends but badly). When I see them with him I sometimes think they think of him as their possession... My Mum is often asking him who she is - he has known who she is for about a year but she sometimes gets paranoid that he might have forgotten. I don't know it's all too much when they are here - it's all about them, they never seem to just sit back and just watch him play either by himself or with other people. They do play with him nicely and I suppose better this with all the over-possessive aspects that seem to go together with it than grandparents who don't give a toss.
They are over in England roughly every 4 to 6 weeks when they will spend a week to 15 days here, coming here definitely every 2nd day and sometimes more, by the end of their stay I am saturated... My Dad definitely only comes here to see ds.
Anyway, do I sound unreasonable???? I think it's because I just didn't expect to see quite so much of my parents. Before ds I saw them less and I feel like I have been dragged back into the family fold which I was free from.
Also I am pregnant with no. 2 and I am dreading them doing the same whole over possessive "WE ARE YOUR GRANDPARENTS" with him/her as well.

I might not have made it clear - when they come to England they stay in their own small flat close by but visit loads...

Why cant hey spewak Italian to him? I cant see anyhting wrong wiht that.

My inlaws admit that they .only want to see our kids and I am delighted - In 10 years time they will be three grumpy teenaged boys who grunt at their grandparents.

Think of the people who would LOVE to have involved parents

Oh dear typos galore.

i am deeply jealous of your son. i didnt (still dont really) have a relationship with my grandparents. they just werent interested. my kids have a great relationship with my parents and my ex's parents. i love it, because if i need to, i know they will watch the girls for me for a bit.
how about asking your parents to look after your ds whilst u have an evening off. take advantage of the fact they want to be with their grandson. ask if they want to take him out with them (even just to the supermarket), take him to the park etc. my dd1 begs to go anywhere with my mum if she is about. she was asking her to take her to nursery last week, all she kept on about was 'nanny take me nursery??'.
it must be hard for u to see so much of your parents when your not used to it, but just feel good they want to be involved unlike my grandparents.

Its probably got a lot to do with the fact that they don't live here and see him on a daily or nearly daily basis. My dh's parents live in Ireland and don't see my two boys very often at all, so when they do, maybe they do go overboard, but to be honest, it gives me a break.

I bet if they lived here it would calm down a bit.They probably feel they are missing out. Maybe if you left him with them for a day or so & made a big effor to keep in touch whilst they are away they wouldn't be so over-powering. Must be difficult for you, but must be hard for them as well. Good luck

No, I am glad they want to spend time with him, it's just how they behave which annoys me. The Italian thing stems partly from my childhood I think, but basically he is learning English really really well at the moment and I think it must confuse him when my Mum every now and then pops Italian phrases in and translates them - he will not learn Italian this way because she is not doing it with him all the time and she has only started doing it sometimes but she only does it when dh and I are not in the room. I think it is treating him a bit like a puppet - HER grandchild should speak some of HER language. They are both controlling types my parents. My MIL who is Gujarati only speaks to ds in the language he is learning at the moment which is English. I think 3 is quite a good age to start learning another language because then the first language is really well imprinted.
Also, I really hate it when my parents tell me things about ds which I already know. It's as if because of ds they want to be IN my life but I want more privacy and freedom.
There, rant over. I honestly do not want to get in the way of the relationship between ds and my parents and he does like them etc etc but I am just quite angry at the moment. Mum guessed I was pregnant and asked me, I was going to tell them after my scan... it's all too much.

Arabella2 your parents sound like stars IMO.
I would be really chuffed if my parents or in-laws acted that way towards my children.But I am not in your position and dont feel how you do, my situation is the other side of the coin and I know which side I would rather have and that is YOURS.

misdee and lazyeye I hadn't seen your answers - they do take him to the park sometimes and yes I should do that more often... you know I somehow hadn't expected to be having a baby for the whole family - so now I suppose I am carrying grandchild no.2...

Incidentally some of their behaviour irritates dh as well who is a much more independent type than me so it's not only me. I am taking it in that other people with parents or inlaws who don't take an interest are hurt by this and I know I am lucky in this respect. Also with MIL who is very affectionate with ds (but much less possessive).

I was an au piar to a woman whos german sister had married an Italian alpha male!
He forbade his sons to speak German and hterefore the elderly grandmother sould not communictae with them and had to go to night school to learn Itlaian!!

I think that you are overreacting TB honest but these things are far more annoying when you are in the middle of them.

I know where you are coming from my mIL was like this with ds1 and I didn't like it but she calmed down with each subsequent child.She still absolutely adores them though.My dh is an only child and I think this had some bearing on the situation.Does your mum have other grandchildren? Try and bear with it as others have said it is a wonderful relationship andin the future may be to your advantage.My MIL had my kids for 7 weeks this summer whilst I was in the uK doing a course.

From the language point of view I would encourage it.And for you MIL to talk to him in her language.Young children can aquire several different languages simultaneously with no problems and I think its a wonderful gift to pass on to a child.She must be consistent though and only speak in Italian.Translating isn't necessary and is just confusing.

Like codswallop my in-laws admit that its the grandchildren they want to see.And as codwallop says that all changes when they get older.But for the time being take advantage of it let them babysit and when baby2 arrives they may prove to be a real help.

Sigh...I don't want to make anyone feel crap but I wish my DD had any grandparents around. They're all either dead now or out of the country. I'd give anything for her to be able to have a relationship with them. Make the most of them while they're still around I say...for the babysitting alone if not for the wealth of family history and the huge amounts of love!

My mum worships my son - she turns up unannounced on the doorstep, absolutely monopolises him, turns the house upside down to entertain him...and yes, sometimes it is a bit irritating...but, truly I'm happy about it. I think children need lots of people to absolutely love them with all their heart. There isn't enough love in the world and I can't begrudge my son any of it, even if I 'suffer' a bit because of it. Anyway, now, the minute my mum walks in the door, dh and I grab a cup of tea/glass of wine and run off into the garden to relax with the papers, read a book, chat etc etc. Use them - instead of sitting there feeling resentful, get them to babysit while you go out for dinner or to the pictures. Get them to take him to the park while you loaf about on Sunday with croissants and the papers - I promise, this really helps dissipate resentment! Your mum is probably really upset that she doesn't live in the same country as your son, and is frightened he will forget her if she doesn't see him (my mum's the same and she lives 10minutes away!)> Try to take it as a sign of love, not of over-possessiveness. Re the Italian, I think it's charming. IMO It won't confuse your ds or hold back his language in the slightest. I think it's lovely that she wants him to experience a little of his heritage when he's so young. My mum's a dancer and teaches ds (only just 2) ballet steps! I do feel the odd pang of jealousy because my son is obsessed with his 'grannyma' - he sometimes begs me to open the front door in the hope she'll be there! - but in the end we have a babysitter, a co-parent and a loving presence who I think enriches his life, so I do try to bite back those feelings of resentment. BTW my mum is also a better grandparent than parent, so I understand that feeling too. Some people just are like that. My mum also sometimes says that she feels particularly intense with my ds because she doesn't know how long she'll be around to enjoy him (she's only 63, but she won't see him very far into adulthood in all probability) and she desperately wants to make the most of the time she has with him, and I can understand that feeling only too well.

Yes it is about ds I know... yes and I will start taking the opportunity to do more things alone or with dh when they are here. I would never "forbid" my Mum to speak Italian to him and also of course she is able to communicate to him in English as she has done with us for our whole lives.
I think in the end I myself do not have a very good relationship with them. They are like bulls in a china shop and seeing more of them and also them with ds brings up issues for me which I thought were buried. They are or would be stricter with him than dh and I are... The other day Mum was asking him to say please which I think is totally unnecessary - he will do this through example and out of a feeling of love, not parrot fashion because he has been brainwashed into it. How do you deal with your parents or in-laws doing things differently with your child?
Probably yes I am overreacting, but more for my own personal reasons than anything to do with ds.

I think the most hurtful thing was when for months and months Mum had a photo of ds with my sister (favourite daughter) and ds with my Dad up on the wall, recently she has added one of me and ds and one of her and ds but I really thought that said it all.

Just to add to what others have said about the languages. I wouldn't worry about the Italian, or even adding Gujarati for that matter. Your ds will associate Italian with your mum and will not get confused or start speaking it elsewhere. It's really an ideal time for them to pick up other languages, even if it's only a smattering of each. I second what GRMUM said though - it is better not to translate.

I always make my children say please. It is my job to teach the manners - they would never do it themselves!!

I agree it is more about you and them than anythibgthey are doing wrong.

I suppose it is about personality types. MIL is more laid back (also has 7 grandchildren instead of the 1 my parents have which may say it all!) and though she loves ds fiercely, is content to sit back and do a lot of watching / observing of him as well as playing with him which she does really well and ds knows she is there for him and loves her. I find my parents rather insensitive, and my Mum certainly cannot understand that I am totally different to her and may not want to talk about certain things etc.. I was waiting until I had my scan to tell them about this new baby but they have asked me instead, if that was me with my daughter I think I would have thought - "she may not want to talk about it at present, I'll wait until she says something". But no, they asked me, they then said for me to let them know when it could go "public" (after scan) and then in the next breath my Mum was telling me I should tell my sister... blah blah. Before they left they asked again for me to let them know when they could tell everybody (everbody??? I think this means all of Mum's friends). Dh's family tend to let other people just be themselves a lot more which is really restful.
Codswallop, I didn't mean to sound rude about the "please" thing... I also think it depends in what way the parent / carer says this. I have heard ds say please simply because he has heard us use it with him and I am hoping that he will follow suit naturally.

true. Yes my sons are very polite to each other!
My dh is endlessly polite and as a Canadian says "youre welcome" all he time which they now say too!

Sound like a customer care team

Arabella2, Honestly, I do know how you feel, but I have made a deliberate decision to regard it all as a blessing and a way of having a rest, which honestly does help me tremendously. We've even had two nights away from him with my mum looking after him overnight which was wonderful (hope to do it again soon). I also think you have to tell yourself that different is just different, not better or worse in most cases. Ie Some people might feel offended if their mother failed to notice they were pregant and didn't seem excited (that's my mum!) and I found it a bit hurtful that she wasn't in any hurry to tell anyone or be excited. Also, the saying please thing is just a difference of opinion. I tend to side with you on this issue, I don't force it either much, though over the last couple of months (ds is two) I have encouraged him to do it more, especially to other people. At his nursery they are more insistent. I don't think it will harm him as long as it isn't a case of 'say please or else'.
I honestly think from personal experience that it might help to 'reframe your thinking' on this issue. ie look on them as a resource to be used to carve out more time for you and your dh, a great source of love and entertainment for your ds, and basically harmless, if irritating.

arabella2 - as well as the fact that your parents live abroad and so may feel the need to cram in a lot of your ds when they see him, do you think it has anything to do with the fact that your dh's mother is staying with you at the moment? in particular, telling your ds that they are his grandparents, teaching him a few words in a language that your MIL does not understand etc... I am not saying that it is delibrate, but just a instinctive reaction to a situation in which they may feel threatened as 'valued grandparents'.

For what it is worth, I am sure that many of us really sympathise with your situation as it is really difficult when grandparents very forcefully try and impose their parenting values on your children. I sometimes just want to scream "you've had your chance, now it's our turn to make a mess of it!!"

Sorry, a bit of a rant and nothing really constructive - but I do sympathise!

I kove my MIl but she doesnt half annoy me and I am sure I annoy her. She said to me once that as dh is an only child she decided years ago that she was going to get on with his wife regardless...as it is we do get on, but I htink that was a good mental attitude for her to take.

Also as the mother of 3 boys I am very aware of the examle I am setting to them about grandparents...

Wait till they all marry horrible women. I am going to keep tham at home forever

I have parents who take over when they are here and IL's who leave space and don't really jump straight in. I have to say I adore being able to pass the kids over and being able to leave my parents to get on with it. In fact we moved back to be near by parents as I needed the hand- mum helps out with tea/bathtime about 4 days of the week. It is wonderful. She also parades them round work and clearly adores them- I think that's nice. I also love both parents playing with them when they come and visit as it means I don't feel guilty for not playing with them loads on days they are coming in. I kind of think- oh I can get on with this and granny and grandad wil play with them later.

From a language point of view hearing bits of Italian isn't going to affect your son's ability to learn English at all (believe me I know more about language acquisition than I ever wished to).

I can see where you're coming from - I think you feel you are being bypassed in their affections. That would be very hurtful.

Perhaps if you could address that issue and clear it up with them, their huge affection for your ds would become a more positive thing for you. I'd love to have involved grandparents for my kids. They have my dad who is good with kids but has a busy life and they don't see him that often. My mum is dead and my in-laws may as well be.

I also think the language thing is a fantastic opportunity for your ds. Languages at that age come naturally and it won't be any effort for him to learn. When he's older it will be a slog.