Should I contact my birth mother? And if so, how?

[neuroticmumof3]

I'm 43 and was adopted shortly after my birth. I've often thought of contacting my birth mother. Some time ago I applied for my real birth certificate and from that have managed to trace my mother's address. I'd really like to get in contact with her but don't know whether to or not. Or how to go about it. Do I send a card saying hi, you're my mum, i'd love to hear from you? What if her husband doesn't know about me? What if I sent a card and she never contacted me? I've had her address for about 5 years and still can't decide what to do or how to do it so advice is welcome.

Big decision --l have been it a similar position.
Firstly l would adviseyou get some counselling before you do anything, it sounds a bit extreme and l thought it wasn't necessary but l was so wrong. the emotional upheaval is enormous and impacts on my life even today 5 years further down the line.
In my case my mother had died but l met with my 1/2 brother who did not know of my existance but wasvery happy to have me and my family in his life. However the fallout for him was huge too. He couldn't understand why his mum (our mum) had not told him about me and in a way l believe l spoiled his memories of her.
You have to be prepared that she may not want anything to do with you, and that rejection could be awful, l remember the overpowering feeling of grief when l realised she was dead. l wept loads for someone l didn't and wouldn't get the chance to know.
There are many agencies that would get in touch with your mum for you and act as an intermediary, that might be a way to go, l believe the SS also have some sort of service. I think if you contacted her directly and she did not reply you may cause yourself a lot of emotional upset and stress.
However you have sat on all this information for 5 years--l sat on mine for 12 years and had left it too late. Please dont make the same mistake that l did, if you want contact act now.
I wish you all the luck in the world x

I don't know too much detail, but DH's half-sister got back in touch with their mum (she was adopted before MIL married FIL). She did it through social services, who also provided her with counselling before and during contact. (but not for MIL/DH and his brother).

I believe that the Salvation Army can also act as intermediaries in this situation.

In our case, DH and his brother had no idea of their half-sister's existence. For DH, it came at a bad time as he was not coping with some other issues, and it led to him feeling that his whole childhood was some sort of lie, and although he's always adored his mum he couldn't really deal with the conflict of feeling let down/deceived. He's since tackled this (and the other issues) in counselling.

I believe that MIL is still in contact, but it's very much at a superficial birthday/christmas level. She did initially meet up with her daughter, and then have her to visit and stay over for a week, but once questions on both sides were answered, both have moved on.

From seeing this, I really would recommend indirect contact initially.

Hi

You might find books by Betty Jean Lifton helpful, in particular 'Lost and Found' and 'Journey of the Adopted Self'. (She's a counsellor based in the US who specialises in adoption issues and is adopted herself). My situation is a bit different to yours - I'm donor-conceived i.e. my biological parents are my mum and an anonymous sperm donor - and it's my biological father I'm interested in tracking down. I figure that it's good to face the truth, even if it's painful. In terms of adoption and donor conception that means the truth about your origins and identity, and that means tracing your biological family. There is the possibility she won't want contact with you, but there is also the possibility she will welcome you with open arms. If you go ahead make sure you're well-supported throughout the process, whether that's in the form of counselling or good friends. Have you tried to make contact with other adopted people who will understand what you're going through? If not you would almost certainly find that useful. The British Association for Adoption and Fostering would probably be able to help: www.baaf.org.uk/

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.