Should I cut my losses?

[whatnowhuh]

Will try and be as brief as possible - i suppose i'm looking for reassurance that I'm not expecting too much of my 'boyfriend'. We've been together 2 yrs next month. I have 3 kids from previous marriage. I am keen for us to move in together, he isn't so much. When I say move in together I mean him move in with me, as I am obviously settled with the children and his is only a one bed house.

The subject first came up 6/7 months into relationship - I asked what he wanted relationship wise and he said he wasn't sure, couldn't see himself living with anyone cos he's been on his own for so long (has never lived with anyone or had relationship that's lasted more than a year), but that might change, he just didn't know. So I ummed and ahhed but decided to carry on and see how things developed.

Fast forward another 7/8 months ish, and we talked about it again, he said he definitely sees it happening and wants to live with me and children and be part of our family, but not yet. So I thought well we're heading in the same direction, it's all good, what's the rush let's just carry on getting to know each other and enjoying being together.

I haven't brought up the subject since other than every now and then when each of us vaguely mentions "when we're living together....."... but last night he said something about how well I'm coping, and he can't imagine coming home to 3 'screaming kids' every night. He tried to back track by saying "oh i'll be ready for it one day but i'm just not at that place yet".

We see each other lots, we spend every weekend together almost without fail, and he comes over 2/3 times during the week too, we spend loads of time together with the children, almost as a family - and I really feel ready for the next step. They all adore him and vice versa, but I feel like I'm not getting what I want and need from a serious relationship. So at 2 years into the relationship, am I expecting too much too soon, or as I fear - are our views for the future just incompatible?

It depends .
What do you want and need ? Is it other stuff or is it just living together ?
Many people dont want to live together , its not for everyone and probably isnt a reflection on how he feels about you . Many people have a good relationship but live seperateley .

Im sort of in your boyfreinds position , we both have dcs , and he would like to live together , but i wouldnt . I like it how it is and i dont want to have to cope with his dcs and make all sorts of sacrifices and compromises . We had a conversation lateley where he was very disapointed when he realised this wouldnt be happening and offered all sorts of compromises . At the same time he acknowledged that he enjoys living on his own , enjoys his own space ect .

I queried if he wanted to live together because its traditional , expected , the social thing to do ect , and in some part i think it is. People want things to evolve , to move to the next stage or level , naturally so , but sometimes they dont need to if both people are happy where they are .

You may feel ready for the next step but I'm sorry to say that from your post it seems very clear to me that your boyfriend isin't.

No you aren't expecting too much by wanting a partner to share your life and home with at all. Unfortunately you cannot force your boyfriend to want to the same things. He is telling you loud and clear that he is not ready yet (saying he cannot imagine coming home to screaming kids says it all really, even if he did backtrack afterwards)

So you have 2 choices really, cut your losses and look for someone else who will meet your needs, or hang on in there and wait until he is 'ready'. This might happen in 6 months, 6 years or never. In my own personal experience the 'I will do it but not just yet' line is the favourite weapon of the man who doesn't want to commit but doesn't want to leave you either. My ex partner would tell me he wanted to get married and have children "In the future" (He was 41 at the time!!!!!!!!!!). I am 16 years his junior and eventually I got sick of his dithering and dumped his sorry arse.

Sorry I can't say anything more positive. I just know that trying to persuade him to move in with you when he doesn't want to is the quickest route to self esteem the size of a single cell organisim.

How old are you both btw?

People have sometimes made negative comments about me stringing my P along , im genuineley not . Ive been married and lived together and i just dont want to do it again . I dont want to become parent to extra kids or have to get involved in domestic drudgery . I like going out , i like seeing him , but i also like my own space and independance . Maybe at some point this will change and ill want to move in , but for now i dont .

It might be hurtfull to you when he says not yet , but at least hes being honest about it .

Well the Ops partner is being very clear about how things stand for him at the moment. Really it is a case of the OP deciding if she can cope with it or not.
I would never suggest anyone try to force someone to do anything they don't want to do. Recipe for disaster.
Diggs, I can't see how anyone can say you are stringing your partner along. You are being honest with him about your situation so therefore where is the stringing?

You are not in the wrong to want him to move in. You need to decide if you want him regardless of how long it takes for him to be ready, and he might never be, or you want a live in partner so will look for someone else.

I went out with someone who really didn't want to get married. I decided living with him was better than not having him. We did get engaged but he would never discuss marriage. I left him when he hit me and then took him back later as I was missing him and was wondering if I had made the right decision. Within no time I knew it was over.

I said I would never live with any one again as marriage was what I wanted. The next person I went out with moved in with me just under 2 years after we met as I lived nearer his work than he did. We are now married with children. I got lucky that the next boyfriend was the one.

Hi all, thanks a lot for your replies.

I'm 29 and he is 35.

Interesting to hear your side of things, Diggs. I can totally understand your stance especially given that you each have children. I guess what I want and need is to share my life with someone, to have someone there to talk to if I've had a bad day, or to share good news with. I know to all that wouldn't mean living together but to me it does - I don't want to sit and cuddle up to someone all evening, watching tv, chatting, kissing, having a great time and then just saying goodnight to him as he leaves to go home at 11pm.

You're right MandW that he clearly doesn't want to move in. I would never want to try and force him to or even try and persuade him to - I want HIM to want to. He doesn't and that is what hurts and makes me worry for our future together. I'm just not happy with the way things are. I don't think I'm overly needy but he makes me feel like I am whenever we broach the subject.

Thanks for your reply TheOriginal.... food for thought, definitely. I don't know if I do want him regardless of how long it takes.... which possibly is a sign that he's not the one.

My ex-partner told me he would live with me when my children were grown up and left home. I waited 7 years until my dc's had left and he still wouldn't live with me. I dumped him.

He doesn't want to move in with you.

As that is not making you happy, you need to move on.

I agree that it is not always necesary for couples to live together. My DP and I have been together 8 years, but live seperately. I understand that he finds the noise and chaos of kids and daily life very stressful, and equally I like my own space. The question to be is whether you are happy to continue as things are, or if your need to live with him is greater than your need to be in a relationship with him. If he is like my DP, who adores the kids (DS is his son), I am not sure how long the relationship would carry on with us both being happy if he were forced to move in and it was too much for us both to handle!

Its tricky isnt it , because either way one of you isnt getting what you want . I suspect my P will raise it again at some point because i know he isnt happy with it. I did make this clear from the start , but for some reason he assumed things would change in time and was disapointed that they hadnt .

I occasionally feel similar when im going home at 11 pm , but then i weigh up the aggro about finances , children , in laws , domestic duties , pets ect losing my independance and not having my own space and decide its just not worth the trade off . Id raqther keep him and stay as we are instead of mving in and ruining everything .

Accept living seperately, or cut your losses. He doesn't want to live with you, he has said so repeatedly, and if you manage to up the pressure enough for him to agree to give it a try, you will have it thrown in your face every time the two of you disagree about anything and your relationship will be poisoned by resentment.

I wouldn't underestimate the benefits of living seperately. He just may be scared of doing it and it not working out, and then losing what he already has with you. Remeber he would be giving up his territory and coming into yours which will already be established with rules, norms, even the decor and lifestyle you like. I have done this with my DP and he has rules which I don't necessarily agree with. We also have different ideas about pets, cleaning, division of housework. How easy going are you? How comfortable will you be with him changing the dynamic you have with you and your children? Other options are to move into a new house so you are both on neutral ground but this involves a lot of change too... Also, men are less likely to marry you once you move in so legal / money stuff gets difficult....

What you have now sounds quite nice to me, OP: all the fun without the stinky socks, compromises and potential conflicts with him becoming a step-parent to your dc.

But if you want all that, it does sound like you won't get it from this guy any time soon and possibly never. I think when his first reaction of not wanting to live with anyone was the truth, and while he might've imagined living with you, the reality isn't something he wants.

So - is it a deal-breaker for you?

"I don't want to sit and cuddle up to someone all evening, watching tv, chatting, kissing, having a great time and then just saying goodnight"...

There is a strong chance you would NOT be spending your evenings like that after a few months of living together! That's the whole problem with living together. Sad but true.

your set up sounds wonderful to am outsider such as me

I should also say - not PC but true - living with other peoples DCs can be hard. I wouldn't punish him for seeing that in advance. My DPs DCs are gorgeous young adult girls, we get on fab, they only stay over now and again, and it still takes a lot of maturity from a partner to work out where they fit within your family structure. Don't be too hard on him and love what you have - and bs is right - cuddling on the sofa and watching tv gets very scarce one you live together for a while!!! ;)

Thanks for all the latest replies - more and more food for thought! I'm confused about how I feel vs how I should feel vs how he feels.... I love him dearly but just know that this set up (whilst still lovely in a way) isn't what I want long term. I need to stop and really think hard about it all. On paper it is a deal breaker, Zikes, but.... the thought of ending the relationship is pretty horrifying. Aaargghhhh!

The cuddling on the sofa thing is another reason why i dont want to move in !
I want things to stay as they are . At the minuite he makes a massive effort , hes decent and respectfull and always clean I dont want to watch him pick his feet or be a slob , i want to be treated niceley and not be treated like a nanny or a housekeeper , and i know that while that might be a bit of an exageration , you do tend to not apreciate people when youve lived together for a while , they become a pain in the arse .

I will say though , that initially it was a point blank No to moving in. Its still a No , but i have thought about it , and possibly if hes still decent in a few years i might . Fear of getting it wrong figures of course.