Do men collude in domestic abuse?

[toptramp]

I know not all men are the same but do you feel that men support each other in being macho and treating women mean sometimes? Knotch on bedpost type thing?

Some men might do. Inadequate, insecure people often seek out similar types to bond with. And sometimes (irrespective of what the actual behaviour might be) people behave worse if they have 'likeminded' associates and they all egg each other on, perhaps to drink more or take drugs or go shoplifting or something.

Some men do

So do some women

What springchickenGoldBrass said. There's a good section somewhere in this book explaining how abusers tend to seek out the friendship of other abusers as it validates their sense of entitlement. Certainly I've noticed that although my XP knows lots of men he could call 'friends', many of whom I am positive are not abusers, the small number he spends most time with and is closest too certainly are.

Thank you. have the book and will read it. i was just thinking how many people think my ex is lovely. it makes me feel worse as it makes me feel like i'm the one who's mental. He has lots of female friends who he treats like gold dust. If they snap their fingers he jumps.

With me however he treated me like shit. it's like the girlfriend is bottom of the pile. When we split up I asked if we could end amicably and be friends to which he replied ''what you and me friends? Come on?'' I realise now that I don't want to be friends but it still hurts that he was supposed to ''love'' me but didn't even see me as a friend.

Sorry to go on but am coming to terms with a recent breakup. He told me I was crazy and no doubt he has has told all of his friends.

"He has lots of female friends who he treats like gold dust. If they snap their fingers he jumps."

"With me however he treated me like shit."

Perhaps though they wouldn't want to continue being his friends if they were treated badly?

When we are treated badly we have two choices. Accept the other persons behaviour or communicate that what they have done/said is unacceptable. If disrespectful behaviour is repeated.... you end the friendship/relationship of whatever kind.

Of course he has. By their standards, you are crazy. They've got this fixed image of what women should do and what they should want, so if you will persist in behaving like an independent human being you've obviously got something wrong with you. Independent human beings are men. And yes, certain types of men do reinforce this between themselves.

If you ever feel like dating again (which you probably will once the trauma has subsided), look for one who treats you, not as a princess, a goddess, a fragile flower, or even a soulmate, but as a person in your own right.

AF is also right that some women do this. Be careful, then, that you look on future partners not as a white knight, a potential abuser, a big child or a fix-up project, but a person in his own right too.

Oh dear. OP, in the kindest possible terms, I think you really might need to take a bit of a look at yourself before you start dating again. Either your knob radar is broken and this man is a horrid individual who treated you badly or - and this is an impression I am getting from your posts on this and your other thread - you have some problems that you need to fix. Not everything is always everyone else's fault but yours. Particularly the amount you drink.

I cant remember who the lady is but I think she might have been a founder or early WA supporter.
She said she could spot an abuser at a party ,he was the life and soul,entertaining everyone and in his element .
Mine certainly fits this description loved being at the pub after work making everyone laugh and flirting with everyone .
They all would have thought he was a "lovely bloke"
But "Who cares ?"
I know the truth ,he has duped his current gf but then she is only 21yo he is 42yo.
Nuff said .
It doesnt matter TT how he is with others ,its how he is with you that counts.
It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks about him,its what you think about him.
Why would you want to be with someone that hurts you.
Dignity and serenity is the way to go ,cut all contact and move onto a more positive life x

I would run a mile from any man that treated me like "gold dust" or put me on a pedestal as some sort of "princess"

there is only one way to go after that, and it is down

some abusive men see women as "princesses" and when you act like a proper human being (ie. stand up for yourself), they see it as you "letting them down" and they are very quick to condemn you

these same men pigeonhole women into "princesses" versus "slags"

it is immature, sexist and should be a fucking massive red flag to any any self-respecting woman

I think Dysfunction does attract/support Dysfunction .

OMG; this is so bizare. One of the first love letters he wrote to me said that that two princesses (ie; dd and I) were better than 1! Red flag alert.

Thanks for the advice. Some of it has been very useful. I have poured my wine down the sink tonight and had a glass of coke instead of wine when I went to the pub with my dad earlier.

''dysfunction does attract/support dysfunction.'' Probably true but SOOOOO patronising and unhelpful. Why not give me tips on how to handle my obvious dysfunction patience?
Well I have the Lundy bancroft book and will read iy, will put in for cbt and have poured my wine away. Any other tips will be recieved gratefully!

Also I am not dating agin until I feel better.

TT, I think patience was talking generally, just like your original post was

I do agree that women enable the abuse too. Me included.

I know. I am being defensive because I feel like such a tool at the moment. I feel like a failure at love and a failure at spotting red flags. I feel dysfunctional. Sorry guys. I am still very raw and taking it out on everyone. I feel like I've been in a boxing ring with Tyson and to top it off that it's all my fault.

We are still here, yes ?

Even though you shout at us

You are quite hard to help on here, because you present your story in pieces and soundbites

Could you put together an organised post and put it in relaionships ?

Sort of like a summary (without the shouty bits) of the bad experiences you have had with blokes

Can you recognise a pattern and/or triggers ? Can you articulate it ?

Your own thread, a reflective and calm one, might help

It would certainly be useful for when you see a CBT counsellor to have explored, if only superficially, some of the bargains you have made with yourself for the sake of a relationship with a man who was never good enough for you in the first place ?

You shouldn't blame and castigate yourself, try to get to the bottom of it instead

Does that make sense ?

The roots of this sort of thing usually go way back, TT. Were you your dad's little princess, indulged but at the same time a bit scared of crossing him? Or was your first love/first boyfriend the sort who alternated worshipping you with wigging out when you disagreed with him?
Also, did you learn while growing up that drink blots out troubles (only to find that it sometimes makes them worse?)

Yep AF that was a reply to the original question.

That is the problem with typing out stuff on a website.

Interesting that you reacted like that TT,as if i was getting at you .
2 yrs ago I would probably of been offended by your reply ,whereas now Im happy in myself and its totally up to you what road you want to take .

One of the funniest things my abusive bastard of an X ever said to me was "Patience,you've got all empowered "
He just went elsewhere after that ,he had lost his power and he ended up with a 21yo ,with issues.
Like I said,dysfunction attracts dysfunction.Well it was never going to be someone emotionally developed was it ?
It gets easier to predict the patterns the more you read and learn.I wish everyone was made to learn the basics of relationship abuse ,our children would be safer and happier for a start.
Just to let you know how twisted my thinking was TT ,after 16 yrs I thought I had a good marriage ,i just thought the fact that my X throttled me now and again was because he had a bad temper.Everyone thought we were the happiest couple they knew .Fuck ,how many other women out there are there still accepting this abusive ,mysogynistic SHITE !!!!!

X POST .... no worries TT ,

Oh by the way ,when I was going thru the "How could I have put up with it so long ?" realisation bit, I always consoled myself with the fact that I wasnt with him any longer .If I do nothing else in my life I got my kids away from that life and broke the cycle of dysfunction that was alcoholism,dv and co dependence.

If your going right back to childhood ,I really loved " The Homecoming" by John Bradshaw.

I am in tears because I read the article on dating a looser and I have some of those traits too.

I am so confused. I hate breaking up and the way we are supposed to go from loving intimacy to no contact at all. It's such a shock. I am sorry for the mean things I said but it's too late to say sorry. he just dosn't want to know.

I wanted it to work because I loved him. When I asked if we could be friends he just said ''what you and me friends? Don't be stupid'' As though I am an awful person and I guess I am. I am still smarting when he said that I don't deserve my dd etc. I still feel like I have been in a ring with Tyson.

I am trying to focus on other things but there is so much pain.

I am also confused because I am alternating blaming myself and him and then both of us. Not that it matters now.

He called me crazy because I was so upset when the relationship ended. I wanted it to end deep down but I was so confused and hurt and emotional.

The first and best thing you can do for yourself is make yourself a promise - no dating or sex for a whole year. And use that year to boost yourself esteem and recalibrate your knob radar. It's broken, and you need to rebuild it along with your self-esteem.
You can do it. Best of luck.

No sex but as I can't do sex with no emotion mabe it's for the best/.

I'm going to do the freedom programme anyway.

You can have sex with yourself . But at the moment, until you have sorted yourself out and are feeling happier and stronger, having sex with someone else is a bad idea.

Women enabling abuse- rubbish. We have got to learn, violence can only happen if the person being violent wants it to. I might be pestered, annoyed, insulted, spat at etc, but i am the one who decides how i react. Abusers choose their victims and choose to be violent. Why blame the abused. That don't work for me!