Family asking questions about no contact

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

I stopped having contact with my mum and step dad last year. It had been coming for years but I finally had the courage to break away from their control, emotional blackmail - in the case of my step-father, his abuse of me. I never told anyone of the abuse.
My brothers have not asked why I have stopped contact. They are aware that my parents have been trying over the years but I have never told them of the abuse and the emotional blackmail from my mum. I have recently had contact on FB from a family member asking what on earth happened. I have tried to tell them that I won't talk about it but they are on about visiting to talk 'face to face' because they can tell I am still so upset....

I CANNOT tell them of the abuse...I was stupid not to stand up for myself at the time and so now it will look like I just made it all up. But if I don't tell them I am terrified that they will go back to my parents to get them to make contact with me - and that cannot happen either.

I have just shut myself off from family. I am so hurt my brothers never asked what happened - but then I think they are too scared about what I will say iyswim. Having contact with family has made me realise they still exist and are still waiting for me to 'come back' to the family. That can never happen.

I do not really know what I am asking here by the way...

except - what do I tell they family member to make them stay away and keep out of it - I cannot confront them. It is all too much.

No advice really - just sorry to hear of your situation. Have you had any counseling

No - I have had some email type support from the Samaritans when everything came to a head and I wrote a letter ceasing contact. I won't be able to do counselling as I cannot 'talk' if that makes sense. My husband only found out when I asked him to read the emails because I couldn't tell him. Thanks for your reply.

I'm sorry about your situation. I think you have to say to this family member that you're not willing to discuss it and will not see him/her if they want to try to make you talk about it. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

I don't think you should assume you wouldn't be believed 'though.

I think it would be a good idea to seek counselling, but maybe in the longer term if you're not ready yet.

I think all you can do is reiterate, calmly but firmly (in writing?), to the family member that it is your decision, you do not wish to discuss it and can they please not bring it up again. If they persist in trying to broach the subject, keep repeating yourself. They will probably eventually get bored and leave it alone.

Re. counselling, if you did want to access something like that, might you be able to write down what happened and give it to your counsellor? Not necessarily straight away, but once you had built up a trusting relationship with someone. It sounds like you could benefit from some outside help in processing what has obviously been a grim experience.

I agree. If you feel that this person has got to go away then you are going to have to be firm, going to have to be nasty in fact -

"I am not going to discuss it with you or anyone else. Don't try to come to my house. Please don't contact me again. If you try to get in touch with me again, I will consider it harrassment and will contact the police and a solicitor. Please understand that I mean what I say and leave me alone."

and then block them, right away. don't open any email from them or anything.

Although, do you think there could be another reason this person is so desperate to find out what happened? Could they have suffered too?

I'd be inclined to tell the relative that I understand their intentions are good but at the moment I am not in a position to discuss my no contact in a manner that would not lead to me being extremely upset...therefore I would be very grateful if, for now, they would leave things be until such a time as I am better able to discuss the matter.

If nothing else this would hopefully buy you some time with which to build up the confidence to tell them leave it be permanently.

Tbh no contact is such a difficult thing to maintain I think some counselling would be very helpful to you.

Thank you for all your replies.

I realise now that I do not need to discuss anything I do not want to. I just do not want people thinking that I have stopped all contact because of something petty. This is what I feel my mother will be saying to people.

On one hand I want to shout to everyone the exact reasons and that I need to protect my children. But I can never do that as I just do not feel up to it.
I hate the thought that my mother is getting her side of the story out to anyone that will listen and that my step dad will be thinking he has got away with everything.... But I just cannot admit what happened to anyone.

Hecate: This person would not have been abused....he is my step fathers son in law. My step dad's daughter didn't live with him growing up so no real chance of him knowing what happened.

I do not know how to even go about counselling. Not sure what my husband would make of me doing it really. I hate the idea of having to sit and talk about myself and my 'feelings'!! Would probably bore myself...

Unless your mother is giving her version of events to people you actually care about, who gives a shit what she's saying? Every time you catch yourself thinking that, remind yourself that she is nothing, she is of no consequence, she is in the past. You have freed yourself physically from her - stop letting her back into your thoughts.

Your stepdad probably will be thinking he's got away with everything, sadly, because abusive shitbags generally do feel smug about themselves - the people with the least reason to big themselves up are often those who do it most. But he is not in your life, not in your children's lives (if you have children). That is incredibly valuable. He has no power over you, and neither does she.

Thank you for all of your replies. I need to get angry enough to just be able to tell everyone what happened. I guess it will come out eventually. I feel like I have been holding everything in for too long and I might explode with rage any time soon.

All you need to say to this person (who btw has no business asking you anything at all) is :

"I made the decision to protect myself and my family. I will have no contact with them. They know why. I know why, that is all anyone needs to know."

Repeat the same thing, over and over and over, make it a standard response to any and every question on this subject. Never deviate. Be your own best PR!

Then drastically reduce what this guy can see on your FB profile.

Meant to say, this bloke is not family. He is a guy that married your sted-dad's daughter. He is just dishing for dirt.

Unless step-dad abused his daughter of course....

Yes - I like the response of 'They know why and I know why'. You are also right with him dishing for dirt - he was unnaturally forceful and also said that what I told him would be 'just between us'. I said that he could tell whomever he wishes what I have said as I didn't tell him anything specific and yet he re-iterated 'It will be our secret'....I didn't like the tone and got my husband to read it. He asked if I would be on fb again tonight so I am going offline for the considerable future now.

Thanks again everyone - as ever- you are a help in restoring sanity and perspective!!!!!!!!!!

No need to go offline, just cut back what he has access to, or better yet delete him. why should you live your life curtailed because he won't respect your words.